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The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

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Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#151

Post by dspillett »

jgilias wrote: post #64
tppiotrowski wrote: post #37

The article talks about his ability to be friendly to strangers but abusive to his long term acquaintances. I have observed this pattern and curious if anyone knows what drives this? My personal theory is that you have some sort of obligations to long term acquaintances but you owe nothing to strangers on the trail. It's this feeling of obligation that leads you to resent people over time.

I believe it's called a mask. People with some personality disorders gradually develop a sort of behavioral mask to wear in public in order to fit in into the wider society and be able to achieve one's goals. However, having it 'on' is apparently taxing, so it comes off around people who are in one way or another part of some inner circle for whom there's no point to pretend.

> I believe it's called a mask ... a sort of behavioral mask to wear in public

It is indeed fairly common. I'm affected (thankfully not strongly these days) by bipolar behaviour. I try to present a more average me as the mask.

> in order to fit in into the wider society and be able to achieve one's goals.

It can be more selfless than that. In work life it is about fitting in (or at least not standing out in an inconvenient way) but in personal life it is more that I don't people to worry overly. I have things well managed, I know I can push through, I know it will pass, there is no need to cause stress in others.

> However having it 'on' is apparently taxing

During a bad patch, the extra concentration adds up over time if you find yourself having to work at it for a while. I don't have many prolonged bad patches, I imagine it can get exponentially harder for those more severely affected than me. It is why a lot of people experiencing mental health issues retreat away from interaction even if they are not otherwise particularly introverted.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#152

Post by atotic »

S_A_P wrote: post #82
tppiotrowski wrote: post #37

The article talks about his ability to be friendly to strangers but abusive to his long term acquaintances. I have observed this pattern and curious if anyone knows what drives this? My personal theory is that you have some sort of obligations to long term acquaintances but you owe nothing to strangers on the trail. It's this feeling of obligation that leads you to resent people over time.

Maybe this is oversharing, but maybe not. I have shades of this in myself. I have a much smaller friend group than many folks and a cynical take on most peoples motivations. I can say that some of why I feel this way is just "how Im bent" and some is from childhood experiences of having my trust betrayed or my naivety taken advantage of. Throw in a bit of unpredictable mom behavior and I generally dont want to owe an…

I can relate to some of your quirks. I am now 50+, with 3 kids, and I've left most of the quirks behind.

I used to always try to please others. My dysfunctional family liked it that way. It made their life easier. That was one of the last quirks to go. It was only after being forced into being assertive to defend my kids, I've realized that it is ok to stand up for yourself. Life's been much better since, surprisingly, most people appreciate assertiveness. And being assertive is not nearly as exhausting as being nice.

It was a long journey, started with therapy 25 years ago.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#153

Post by throwaway6299 »

rel-throwaway wrote: post #146
tppiotrowski wrote: post #37

The article talks about his ability to be friendly to strangers but abusive to his long term acquaintances. I have observed this pattern and curious if anyone knows what drives this? My personal theory is that you have some sort of obligations to long term acquaintances but you owe nothing to strangers on the trail. It's this feeling of obligation that leads you to resent people over time.

I struggle with this in my personal life. To most friends and acquaintances I can be friendly, personable, interesting, and engaging when we meet. But at home, with close family, and especially with my wife I struggle to be that person. My default state is that I mostly want to be left alone. All the people closest to me seem to want something -- time, attention, help, emotional support etc. none of which I seem to n…

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account).

All I wanted my whole life was a happy family with a happy relationship like my parents had. That didn’t happen and now all I want is to be left alone, and it’s like everyone wants something from me but I don’t need or want anything from them. I have a great job now, so the only thing I look forward to each day is hopefully reaching financial independence before I’m 40. At least then I can “buy” some alone time.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#154

Post by demadog »

rel-throwaway wrote: post #146
tppiotrowski wrote: post #37

The article talks about his ability to be friendly to strangers but abusive to his long term acquaintances. I have observed this pattern and curious if anyone knows what drives this? My personal theory is that you have some sort of obligations to long term acquaintances but you owe nothing to strangers on the trail. It's this feeling of obligation that leads you to resent people over time.

I struggle with this in my personal life. To most friends and acquaintances I can be friendly, personable, interesting, and engaging when we meet. But at home, with close family, and especially with my wife I struggle to be that person. My default state is that I mostly want to be left alone. All the people closest to me seem to want something -- time, attention, help, emotional support etc. none of which I seem to n…

Just a thought, but what if you set a daily time limit of being fully engaged and present with your wife, say for an hour or two, but then it is understood that you need ~3 hrs of alone time.

Sounds like you’re an introvert and need time to recharge from managing a team and you’re burnt out from that.

I think she’d be delighted with an hour a day of full presence, perhaps more on the weekend.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#155

Post by oh_sigh »

stuckindider wrote: post #136
thefurman wrote: post #52

Was he abused by his father or something? Sounds like it should be investigated further. People usually don't just become like this without a good reason.

Sounds like it none of your business. Speculating about the metal state of others and playing internet doctor is insulting.

Dead people generally don't have the need for a doctor.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#156

Post by objectivetruth »

trianglem wrote: post #84
elliekelly wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> On a Saturday night in September 2016, K was injured when a terrorist set off a bomb on West 23rd Street in Manhattan. “I had pretty bad PTSD to which he hated caring for me, even kept a dated log of every time I needed help, to the point where he left me outside in the dark—knowing that at that time I couldn't be outside alone or be in the dark without panicking,” she recalls, before adding, “and this is only the…

Not to diminish her problems, but at the same time this is extremely reminiscent of girlfriends that are super attention seeking and constantly have “problems” that need to be resolved immediately. Sounds like this guy wasn’t super emotional and was distressed by incessant calls for attention.

> Not to diminish her problems, but at the same time

proceeds to diminish her post-terrorist-attack PTSD and compare her to his ex-girlfriends

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#157

Post by brobinson »

tppiotrowski wrote: post #37

The article talks about his ability to be friendly to strangers but abusive to his long term acquaintances. I have observed this pattern and curious if anyone knows what drives this? My personal theory is that you have some sort of obligations to long term acquaintances but you owe nothing to strangers on the trail. It's this feeling of obligation that leads you to resent people over time.

"Familiarity breeds contempt"?

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#158

Post by demadog »

throwaway6299 wrote: post #153
rel-throwaway wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I struggle with this in my personal life. To most friends and acquaintances I can be friendly, personable, interesting, and engaging when we meet. But at home, with close family, and especially with my wife I struggle to be that person. My default state is that I mostly want to be left alone. All the people closest to me seem to want something -- time, attention, help, emotional support etc. none of which I seem to n…

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole li…

She’s likely wanting your presence and testing your loyalty or something? Definitely would help to see a couples therapist but if not, I think setting clear boundaries - like work time is work time - but also scheduling time together would put her at ease and prevent random requests.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#159

Post by agloeregrets »

UI_at_80x24 wrote: post #98
dkarl wrote: post #46

Maybe Rodriguez’s story is similar to Cody’s. He was alone in a vast, unfamiliar city. He’d destroyed his relationships. He left his apartment in anger. And then, as he traversed the mountains, walking through sugar maple and oak, hickory and poplar, stepping over roots and rocks, he tamed his demons too. The many people who met him didn’t sense the dark, brooding, sometimes dangerous person who left Brooklyn. People…

> People who decide to commit suicide sometimes appear to others to be feeling a lot better in the time between the decision and the final act. To misquote a line from a favorite TV show; "Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty." -Ka D'Argo, Farscape I have attempted suicide, and that line fits for me. As another reader has pointed out there is also peace that comes from making a choi…

Having been on that edge and (luckily) not having the guts, I found that the moment when you can't give yourself the certainty to just do it is somehow even darker than contemplating it.

I hope you have that certainty in hope for a better future with you in it and that things are better for you now.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#160

Post by astura »

throwaway56745 wrote: post #40
IfOnlyYouKnew wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The unsettling truth is that he was deeply troubled, and, at times, an abusive asshole who didn’t necessarily warrant quite as much compassion from strangers as he was given. I’m open to the idea that it may not really matter, and everyone deserves the dignity to not be buried anonymously. But there were a lot of resources invested in this case because he looked very relatable in photos. He was very different from wh…

It's a slippery slope (and mildly sociopathic) to start judging people's worthiness of being murdered (or sought justice for) based on whether they were a good or bad person. Allocating resources based on how charming someone's photo is is also wrong, and worthy of discussion, though presumably people at least aren't doing that consciously. Edit: I'm fairly disturbed that this appears to be controversial.

The article says one thing the investigators are sure of from the beginning is he died of "natural causes."

Toward the end it seems like he might have starved to death or maybe of dehydration.

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