Live data from Hacker News

I am lonely will anyone speak to me

en.wikipedia.org

201–210 of 230 posts

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#201

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it's pretty simple: Women look to men for strength, so showing weakness takes a man out of consideration as a partner.

These are very broad generalizations, and not at all representative of anything like a truth. I concede that it may have been true in your experiences, but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. Let's try not to limit what's possible by inflicting on the world what we expect. Specifically, statements lik…

So I willingly broke a taboo, and I was misunderstood. Such is life :) I'll address each separately.

The misunderstanding:

It looks like you read me saying all women look for strong men and/or that women should look for that. I have no interest in either. People should follow their hearts, be themselves, etc. I am saying that empirically, and with big individual variation, on average, that is a fact. An important fact.

I'm also not saying that men should pretend to be who they aren't to get women. For one thing, they usually see right through that. But at the same time, if you don't understand what your potential partners need from you, you're probably not going to fulfill those needs.

The Taboo:

Saying it's "a toxic pattern" to talk openly about these things is a way of saying this is a taboo topic.

And of course I know it's sensitive, but I don't think it should be. These are very important things, and they need to be talked about and understood. Even though it's uncomfortable.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#202
post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there's something to what you're saying but the terms are slightly wrong. Individualism is ordinarily set in opposition to collectivism, but it's the bastardization of both that have created the problem. On the one hand, social clubs have been evaporating. Bowling leagues, rotary clubs, ham radio clubs etc. They're fading, and this predates 2020. These things are compatible with individualism -- it's freedom…

I don't see how i could go to bowling league regularly and simultaneously keep full time job, be actual non absent parent for kids and maintain at least some relationship with extended family. Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

> Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

Is this it? Widespread social isolation as the fallout of the two income trap? It could be.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#203

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive.

Doreen, I always find your posts and comments to be very insightful. I've never thought about it this way, but it makes a lot of sense. Fixating on one's own desperation is basically a waste of time. One could be doing the things that removes them from desperation instead of fixating on not doing those things. It really does seem counterproductive.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People don't like complainers. Plain matter of fact is your significant other sees you as the rock in the relationship, which is likely why the relationship works, and by complaining the foundation their attraction was built on was shaken.

That sounds like something the likes of Jordan Peterson would say. One of the best things my therapist did to me this year was get me off of Jordan Peterson. I was spiraling down in self-doubt because I listened to him so much. It’s one hell of a miserable relationship if you can’t rely on your partner to have a receptive ear to listen to the things that bother you or make you sad.

The most confusing thing about the Jordan Peterson popularity was how some people seemed to take the opposite meaning from what I heard him actually saying. I don’t mean his detractors which took uncharitable interpretations but his fans. It was really bizarre since I listened to him enough to realize he wasn’t saying much he was just saying it in a way some group listened.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#205
post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

> I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel better, youll make friends without even trying. Its impossible to go through an hour of physical suffering every day with the same people and not end up gradually talking more and getting to know each other. I really encourage people to try a martial art like boxing, muay thai, or brazilian jiu jitsu once COVID lockdowns are over. These sports are…

How are you doing with lockdowns?

A very dedicated martial artist got a concussion, then spiraled into depression. His blood work was all messed up. Doctor after doctor couldn't figure it out.

Finally landed on an occupational therapist who told him to start training again. Cleared it right up. Apparently going from 6 hours a day of training to 0 is rough.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#206

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel compelled to share that after 30 years, my social anxiety only started improving once I stopped seeing stuff like this as "corniness" and "artifice" and instead as mundane BS that is step 1 of 100 towards a meaningful relationship. I was not the one blessed person on earth who was going to have lifelong friends fall into my lap from going to work[1] and the grocery store [1] _Small_ FAANG team, artifact of a r…

Exactly right. "Corniness" is a symptom of the beholder's mental health challenge, not the conversation.

Mental challenged? That went from 0 to 100 quickly. It's isn't a DSM diagnosis to decline to be co-opted by feel-good but ultimately vapid, cloy gestures.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel like I might have ended up in your position if I hadn't been inoculated against it early. I'd like to tell you how even objectively bad circumstances do not demand subjective suffering, that there exist treatments and substances that can genuinely help, to try to point you in the direction of Standard Official Resources, and that the future can be better and so on, but I also know that all of that can sound em…

>Please stick around and help, because no one else will replace you. That's a touch arrogant to say, isn't it? 7.5 billion people, I'd imagine that most are not only replaceable, but trivially so.

No, absolutely not. I was not clear enough.

People are dying constantly because not enough people are helping.

Relative to the number of people trying to help, the size of the problem is nearly infinite.

If someone who could help, doesn't, the people they would have saved just die. No one else will save them.

This is the unreasonable burden. This is why I don't suggest it lightly. I'm telling a person who is already suffering enough to want to opt out, that people will die unless they choose to stay and do a truly unacceptable amount of work.

I'd certainly like to see people in better circumstances help, but there seems to be a problem of perspective. The full scope and seriousness of the problem tends to slide off and not stick for 'healthy' people. Not always, and I appreciate everyone who does even the smallest bit, but... apparently it's ignored often enough that it continues.

(To be clear, I don't really blame people who never think about it or shy away from actually engaging with it. No one can be expected to tolerate it or to carry the burden of doing something about atrocity. That the world contains these evils is not really their fault, they're just people that happen to be in slightly different circumstances than the ones currently dying.)

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#208

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah. When it goes like that my internal reaction is typically "Good riddance. Don't let the screen door hit you on your way out. Thank god I don't have to listen to one more minute of your whiny shit ever again because we are so done."

People don't like complainers. Plain matter of fact is your significant other sees you as the rock in the relationship, which is likely why the relationship works, and by complaining the foundation their attraction was built on was shaken.

I like to hear about my friends' inner lives. Not all the time, and I have to already care about the person first, but it gives me a sense of intimacy and trust. It feels impersonal and dissatisfying when someone maintains a "crushing it!" front too well. Like we are just Facebook acquaintances.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#209
post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. > a huge part of it was just a fundamental misread I think you are on to something in the first part about you yourself learning stuff but in the last part you just put the burden of those around you. My take is that men in general lack training in identifying/naming their own feelings/emotions. Then when yo…

You're rather jumping to unfounded conclusions. I can assure you that I communicated directly and clearly what my emotional state was, why I was behaving the way I was behaving, and actively tried to avoid inflicting my feelings on other people by being non-expressive. An example of an action I took that one person considered "aggressive" and "abusive": There were three couches, shaped in a U configuration. Ex and fr…

Yeah I don't know your situation, although it sound like an intense one, so my observation was more a general one. But you also don't and didn't know the situation of the others in that cabin so your interpretation of how "they misread you" not true either. Maybe that "white knight" was worried that you would get in the way of him getting it on with your ex, maybe scared of not measuring up to you, but couldn't navigate those feelings and acted aggressively towards you by intentionally misreading you. My guess is as good as yours...

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

These are very broad generalizations, and not at all representative of anything like a truth. I concede that it may have been true in your experiences, but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. Let's try not to limit what's possible by inflicting on the world what we expect. Specifically, statements lik…

So I willingly broke a taboo, and I was misunderstood. Such is life :) I'll address each separately. The misunderstanding: It looks like you read me saying all women look for strong men and/or that women should look for that. I have no interest in either. People should follow their hearts, be themselves, etc. I am saying that empirically, and with big individual variation, on average, that is a fact. An important fac…

Alright, I'll bite. How did you arrive at this fact?

Was it through science?

Personal observation?

Did you read it in a book? If so, which one? And how did they establish it as a fact?

Post reply on HN