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I am lonely will anyone speak to me

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Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#81
post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If people just want a chat there's a Twitter thing called #JoinIn. People get together for informal chats on Christmas day. It has a UK focus, which affects the times it'll be busiest.

Honestly, most of those of us who are lonely also hate corniness and artifice. And that sounds like both.

I feel compelled to share that after 30 years, my social anxiety only started improving once I stopped seeing stuff like this as "corniness" and "artifice" and instead as mundane BS that is step 1 of 100 towards a meaningful relationship. I was not the one blessed person on earth who was going to have lifelong friends fall into my lap from going to work[1] and the grocery store

[1] _Small_ FAANG team, artifact of a reorg of a reorg

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#83
post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

Citation needed. Complaining is one thing, sure, but expressing a wide range of emotions (including healthy expressions of sadness, frustration, fear, etc.) is considered pretty positive and good by the women I know. Crying is important, normal, and healthy.

Most men I know have experienced what he describes; why not believe it? I agree with the sentiment though that there should be research conducted so that it can be understood and be cited to back up men's experiences. Could also be false, but I'm inclined to believe men's experiences.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#84

In my humble opinion, it is critical that we become OK with being alone. I believe that only when we are comfortable by ourselves, can we truly ever be happy with someone else.

I disagree with this mindset. Humans are a social species and require some sort of interaction to thrive. Perpetuating this idea of going at it alone is a problem in modern society imo. This is coming from a pretty extreme introvert.

I reason that filling loneliness should not be the primary focus of a relationship. If you’re lonely, you’re making decisions because you’re lonely. However if you’re not lonely - meaning you’ve found happiness in being alone - then you would seem to be more free to choose partners based on other things than filling your loneliness. I guess in short, loneliness seems to be a really shortsighted reason to date someone.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#85
post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

I think it's pretty simple:

Women look to men for strength, so showing weakness takes a man out of consideration as a partner.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#86
post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

Citation needed. Complaining is one thing, sure, but expressing a wide range of emotions (including healthy expressions of sadness, frustration, fear, etc.) is considered pretty positive and good by the women I know. Crying is important, normal, and healthy.

There actually is research about men and women both turning away from men who are seeking emotional support. College age researchees, so YMMV. Research is referenced in Terrence real’s “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. I had to train my therapist girlfriend not to freak out when I have strong, negative feelings. She would constantly make it about herself (I’m not doing enough, you’re not acknowledging what good I’m doing). There was very limited space for simply expressing how I was feeling, and having it acknowledged without being punished.

You also just can’t expect most people to be skillful listeners, or give good advice. Even if they want to help, you need some pretty darn well developed theory of mind to conceptualize how the other person is feeling, and what would be useful for them to hear.

I’d also comment that you when men are stressed, it is often incorrectly read as anger, and thus threatening. I was in this terrible situation where I was in a vacation cabin rental with an ex and 20 other people- we’d broken like a week before. I was in anguish, but several people misread stonefaced non-emotion as anger and aggression. The fallout ended up being really immense, and a huge part of it was just a fundamental misread (combined with “all men are abusers and liars!” style distrust. It was real dumb.)

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#87
Look at the signal that is the net today. As long as you see something that cannot be adequately explained with simply increasing entropy, there's a chance it's someone just like you speaking. Don't be afraid to speak up and reach out.

Even those who wish for censorship to protect their own interests, at the very least their agents, are most likely humanists - for now.

As long as we have reason to hold on to this assumption, know that you are not alone - even though most of those who you would like to speak to may prefer to stay silent over having every Syllable of their public speech recorded for perpetuity and likely analyzed for exploitability, not unlike a software bug allowing privilege escalation.

IMO, it has never been a better time to speak up. We may be the last generation to know the true meaning of free speech, where it is still possible to express or share an opinion before an Al evaluates, scores, judges it.

Even those tasked with watching us must realize that the short term goal is to make them redundant, to replace their weary eyes with an automaton that will never question the morality or ethics of their surveillance of us and thereby,their future selves. Trust them not to rat you out simply for extending the courtesy of assuming good intentions.

Guess why everything is now being recorded unconditionally: The hardest idea to contain is that we're all equal, which is incidentally the singular proof necessary that the 'net community transcends nations. It blows a hole through any| nationalist or elitist rhetoric, it turns into a leaky sieve any argument justifying war. You will find that those who oppose this view most likely do so because they have come to rely on control through fear. They'll find It hard to keep you afraid if you do not feel alone.

And you are far from alone. you've got a worldwide communications network at your fingertips. Say hi, stranger!

Merry Christmas!

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I disagree with this mindset. Humans are a social species and require some sort of interaction to thrive. Perpetuating this idea of going at it alone is a problem in modern society imo. This is coming from a pretty extreme introvert.

I reason that filling loneliness should not be the primary focus of a relationship. If you’re lonely, you’re making decisions because you’re lonely. However if you’re not lonely - meaning you’ve found happiness in being alone - then you would seem to be more free to choose partners based on other things than filling your loneliness. I guess in short, loneliness seems to be a really shortsighted reason to date someone…

A person certainly shouldn't choose to have an incompatible relationship to assuage their own loneliness, but the argument that I'm making is that people tend to get lonely when alone regardless of their own self contentment. And it's quite fine for a person who's uncomfortable being alone to start a compatible, healthy relationship. Humans should seek human interaction to some degree regardless of their degree of loneliness.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#90
I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise.

Thats all there is to it.

Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga.

I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel better, youll make friends without even trying. Its impossible to go through an hour of physical suffering every day with the same people and not end up gradually talking more and getting to know each other.

OR, you could sit at your computer with the curtains shut, feeling like shit while you wait for friends to appear out of thin air.

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