I am lonely will anyone speak to me • Hacker News Board

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#61

Post by hiddencost » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:10 AM UTC

sn41 wrote: post #24

hiddencost wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've volunteered fairly regularly on one of the member hotlines, and have personally attempted suicide. Out of 1000 calls I had one person attempt, maybe 10 people decide not to attempt, and the rest were just people who were anxious or sad or scared and were having thoughts. There's a very broad spectrum, and for someone who is hopeless or just lonely and sad, talking to a caring human who listens and is comfortable…

It will be also great if you can briefly outline some of the things you tell them. I can't imagine the responsibility on the shoulders of a person who is trying to save a life at the other end of the line. Thank you for your service.

You don't tell them anything, you listen to them and encourage them to talk, and you help them understand the things they're struggling with by expressing the feelings you have in response to what they're saying.

At some level, what people really want ultimately isn't an idea, it's a feeling, and learning how to soothe people is usually about being calm and attentive. The people who want me to provide them a solution to their problem usually get angry because I keep redirecting them back to their own feelings, and then we talk about the anger and see if they can find a way for that anger to not be the end of the conversation.

Sometimes though it's a bit different. The self harming teenager in foster care, for example, responds really well to people not getting upset. People that cut themselves are used to adults freaking out, so for self harmers it's usually some variant of "oh man, I'm sorry. Is the bleeding managed? Glad to hear. ... Hard day?"

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#62

Post by glouwbug » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:19 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #59

glouwbug wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People don't like complainers. Plain matter of fact is your significant other sees you as the rock in the relationship, which is likely why the relationship works, and by complaining the foundation their attraction was built on was shaken.

I was actually thinking of the year when I was bedridden for several months and my life hung in the balance for the entire year and a female friend -- my best friend when I was a military wife stationed in Germany -- managed to get hold of me after not hearing from me for several months while I fought for my life and she went on for 45 minutes about her really minor whiny shit without so much as asking me how I was a…

I hope you're doing well now. Happiest of holidays to you, Doreen.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#63

Post by DoreenMichele » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:21 AM UTC

glouwbug wrote: post #62

DoreenMichele wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was actually thinking of the year when I was bedridden for several months and my life hung in the balance for the entire year and a female friend -- my best friend when I was a military wife stationed in Germany -- managed to get hold of me after not hearing from me for several months while I fought for my life and she went on for 45 minutes about her really minor whiny shit without so much as asking me how I was a…

I hope you're doing well now. Happiest of holidays to you, Doreen.

Other than my perpetually dicey finances, I am doing well. My health seems to have stabilized recently and, with that, I seem to no longer be suicidal.

Happy holidays.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#64

Post by underseacables » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:30 AM UTC

In my humble opinion, it is critical that we become OK with being alone. I believe that only when we are comfortable by ourselves, can we truly ever be happy with someone else.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#65

Post by sweetheart » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:30 AM UTC

hoka-one-one wrote: post #57

colmvp wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

This seems like a very dangerous generalization.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#66

Post by cosmodisk » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:32 AM UTC

colmvp wrote: post #44

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

The reality is that 99% of people don't really want to hear other people's problems. Most people want to have someone to tell their problems. The other 1% can be considered as very good friends.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#67

Post by hi5eyes » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:33 AM UTC

sweetheart wrote: post #65

hoka-one-one wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

This seems like a very dangerous generalization.

not really

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#68

Post by ineedasername » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:36 AM UTC

ip26 wrote: post #40

tonymet wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it’s a fine service , I’m questioning the ubiquitous copy pasta of sharing the number as if that’s what’s needed . The number itself is everywhere

The idea behind resharing it is basically to grab someone's attention who is contemplating self-harm and redirect them. The number is always available , but from the sound of it, someone about to commit self-harm is often feeling hopeless, alone, and has severe tunnel vision . So you have to get the offer of help right in front of them. This is why the number is posted all over bridges. It's also allegedly a very acu…

I can absolutely second the "tunnel vision" aspect of that state of mind. the more you put this number and other resources in front of people, the more likely it is to sleep into that tunnel.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#69

Post by smeej » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:38 AM UTC

tw25532050 wrote: post #42

tonymet wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this number actually help? It’s shared kind of automatically but I find it trivializes suicide

It might help folks that can be helped by talking to someone. For someone like me, it would only make me feel bad, like I'm burdening someone else with the knowledge that I'm going to end my life; I know they won't be able to "talk me out of it". I have no friends, no family, nor any coworkers since July. No one will notice me being dead then any more than they notice me being absent now. When the money runs out, I h…

For some of us, it's not about changing your mind. You're right--life isn't for everyone. Death comes for everyone, one way or another, at some point. Normally we don't pick when, but maybe you're right and this is how it comes for you. That's not up to me.

If you don't want to go through it alone, though, you don't have to. We could look that mystery in its face together. See what's there. I'm not expecting to go through it myself yet, but I'd stand there with you while you do.

I'm not any kind of counselor. I'm a longtime lurker who just made an account to say your confrontation with and even path through your own death isn't a burden for everyone. If you want to talk with someone about it, that option is available to you.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#70

Post by ineedasername » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:40 AM UTC

tonymet wrote: post #15

systemvoltage wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People who comment and provide whatever help they can - they're not doing this out of malice. They have good intentions. Whether it helps or not - people in trouble have the choice to accept the consolation or ignore it.

It’s not malicious, I’m saying it’s patronizing and hollow

I don't see how it's patronizing. And if it does help people, it's certainly not hollow.