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Being kind to others is good for your health

bbc.com

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Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#161

Post by xyzelement »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

Your last paragraph is key - once you establish boundaries for yourself, you're free to be generous and kind because you are clear with yourself on what's Ok and what's abusive.

Once you have that, the other factors (industry, city) don't matter - you are able to act the way you want independently of how people are, because you're confident that you won't let their transgressions cross over into "you."

It's been a long process learning this for myself as well.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#162

Post by rhencke »

iamcreasy wrote: post #117
rhencke wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a book I'd like to recommend, that has helped me, in growing up around aggressive and manipulative people, learn to both identify these behaviors in others as well as learn tools for calmly and clearly enforcing personal boundaries, even in the face of the other side throwing temper tantrums or bullying. Can send it to your contact info, if it's something that'd interest you.

I'd like to read it. Is there any way for you to post the book information anonymously?

I couldn't think of one so instead I'll just go with obfuscation. (it's ISBN 1432763962)

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#163

Post by rhencke »

vincentmarle wrote: post #160
iamcreasy wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd like to read it. Is there any way for you to post the book information anonymously?

I am interested too, why is the title of a book so secretive?

It's really just I didn't want to pull things into a discussion about someone's personal life.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#164

Post by xyzelement »

harimau777 wrote: post #156
enriquto wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. A complementary but closely related problem is that many people mistake unkindness for aggression.

Isn't it though? At least if it's intentional.

>> Isn't it though? At least if it's intentional.

I suspect what the grandparent refers to is people who are offended at hearing "no." Example - someone asks to get in front of you at a line. If you're feeling kind, you say yes. Saying "no" is just neutral, but many people perceive it as a "fuck you."

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#165

Post by xyzelement »

anonytrary wrote: post #143

In my experience, being kind results in self-interested people taking advantage of you. People who want to climb the corporate ladder often prey on the kind, so I feel that kindness is "taught out" of people. There is a fine line between being kind and being a doormat. I don't really know where the line is though.

I made a similar comment above but it's -all about- that line. AKA boundaries. If you are clear on what's OK with you and what's not OK, then you are liberated to be kind and generous as long as people are on the OK side. If that line is blurry, you end up oscillating between doormat and asshole and it's just an unhealthy place (speaking from past experience.)

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#166

Post by vecinu »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

> I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive.

This part made me think of this video on the NY subway that exemplifies exactly what you're talking about: https://youtu.be/yVzAC7mLxJw

This guy is doing something extremely kind for this lady that it brings her to tears and yet the way he does it almost seems aggressive and demanding but it's such a nice act!

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#168

Post by dukeyukey »

momokoko wrote: post #130
dukeyukey wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think morlockabove meant that thanks to the size of the US, the density of different cultures in many orders of magnitude higher in Europe than the US. Th cultural difference between Texans, Washingtonians and a New Hampshireite is minuscule compared to France and Germany, let alone France and somewhere like Estonia.

I believe it misses the fact that there are very different cultures within Washington or Texas. For example, Austin is very different from Houston and even north Houston is very different from south Houston. Eastern Washington is completely different culturally than western Washington(Seattle etc). No where else in the world has the massive amount of diversity that the US does at the scale of the US. It’s not even cl…

I completely believe there are differences, but are they really that different compared to areas of similar size in Europe, where you might go through a dozen different languages, different religions, massively varying political party support? And if you look at India or Indonesia, the cultural diversity becomes even more again.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#169

Post by CPLX »

galeaspablo wrote: post #123
swat535 wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can be kind and not be a doormat. This takes practice and experience but the gist of it here is that you have establish and understand boundaries. Kindness is giving someone a helping hand when they need it, but not going overboard and letting them take advantage of you over and over again. In my experience, the less you let vampires suck out your energy, the more you'll be able to give to people and the way to t…

This resonates. Executed correctly, kindness is not mutually exclusive from assertiveness. E.g. It is possible to make a complaint at a restaurant in a factual way and with a smile. E.g.2. Giving hard feedback with a smile, and constructively. It comes down to empathy, and the basic rule of treating others as we wish to be treated.

I’d go a step further. Not only are they not exclusive they are not really on the same axis at all. They’re just different concepts.

The primary thing they have in common is they are considered opposites by people that have neither.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#170

Post by IfOnlyYouKnew »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

This argument sounds true, but I like to think of myself as being occasionally kind, or helpful, or benevolent.. whatever. And yet I just can't come up with a single example of something like that.

In fact I don't believe I even think of myself in categories such as "weak" or "strong". I know I'm extremely averse to conflict, which, I guess, would be considered "weak". I'll let you have your way (within reason), but then that's the last time you'll see me, which is probably not the outcome someone trying to exploit you is hoping for.

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