The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’ • Hacker News Board

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#201

Post by CalRobert » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 9:34 PM UTC

tyre wrote: post #172

godot wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The thing is for many other people it's not about enjoying work or not. I enjoy my job a lot, it's the best one I've had in the past decade. I also have a toddler. After I finish work promptly at 5 (sometimes before, and I work from home), it's a non-stop series of "work" bathing for the kid, either playing with the kid (while my spouse cooks) or I cook (and she plays with the kid, so either way it's busy work for bo…

When I read things like this, it makes me not want to have children. From friends, it doesn’t sound like your experience is much different. I’m sure you’re biased and it’s culturally unacceptable (to say the least) to say that you’d rather not have had kids, but I wonder how often you think about that loss of individuality? Maybe it’s that what you’d do were you to have the time wouldn’t be as “productive” in a broad…

"I’m sure you’re biased and it’s culturally unacceptable (to say the least) to say that you’d rather not have had kids,"

Why? I think not having kids is generally seen as the most responsible course of action. I adore my two but the planet is likely to be worse off, ecologically at least, for their existence.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#202

Post by rimiform » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 9:43 PM UTC

godot wrote: post #161

_9omd wrote: post #92

Everyone is talking about shifting time around by doing things like getting up earlier, but that doesn't get around a fundamental problem of not enjoying the working part of your day. You still have the same amount of time, just shifted to a different end, and maybe you're a bit better off that way, but it's still the minority of the day. The real solution is to figure out how to love a larger percentage of your day.…

The thing is for many other people it's not about enjoying work or not. I enjoy my job a lot, it's the best one I've had in the past decade. I also have a toddler. After I finish work promptly at 5 (sometimes before, and I work from home), it's a non-stop series of "work" bathing for the kid, either playing with the kid (while my spouse cooks) or I cook (and she plays with the kid, so either way it's busy work for bo…

I'm gonna sound like an asshole either way, so let's just get it over with.

Obviously I feel sorry for everyone who suffers for whatever reason, but I find it really difficult not to feel as if parents have very little right to complain about the suffering they willingly brought on themselves. I mean, it's not like it's a mystery that childbirth is painful and that raising children is a mostly miserable affair. It's kind of like someone who set themselves on fire complaining about the heat.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#203

Post by PragmaticPulp » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 9:46 PM UTC

smallnamespace wrote: post #186

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #182

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> When I read things like this, it makes me not want to have children. From friends, it doesn’t sound like your experience is much different. If you're seriously considering the question, you owe it to yourself to seek out parents who specifically enjoy and thrive with parenting. There's a serious imbalance in conversation about children. Most of the internet comments you read about raising children will sound negati…

> Chances are good that the majority of parents in your community, office, or social circle are actually very happy most of the time. There's just not much to talk about because being happy with your family is the boring, normal state. Slightly off-topic, but this isn't limited to parenting feedback, it's true of nearly any topic online. Some forums are full of people venting, some forums are full of people showing o…

Very true. Even worse, there's a significant selection bias that occurs where people pre-filter for opinions that match their pre-conceived notions.

On the topic of children, someone can spend their entire life around coworkers, extended family, and friends who are happy parents without thinking twice about it. Yet as soon as they read some comments online about someone struggling with their children, they have an "I knew it!" reaction.

As a parent, I don't try to push other people to have children. I do, however, roll my eyes at how out of touch the anti-child rhetoric on the internet has become. It's almost as if young people are convinced that all parents are actually secretly miserable but we're all collectively lying about enjoying it out of a sense of societal obligation.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#204

Post by 2arrs2ells » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 9:56 PM UTC

godot wrote: post #192

thesuitonym wrote: post #184

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have kids that same age, and our bedtime is 8:00. Usually they're asleep by 9 but there have definitely been days where they are up and fighting until well past 10. Certainly the gp was exaggerating, but just because my kids are in bed doesn't mean it's my time. 8-9 is lost policing actually being in bed almost every day. That said, I agree more with you, because as much as I like to say, "oh I could be doing x or…

Bed time used to be 8:30pm but a few weeks ago she just turned the age where she absolutely needed someone to be beside her until she falls asleep. All hell breaks loose if we don't, and I've thought about implementing cry-it-out but looking at her mode of crying I'm not sure that's healthy. Anyway, I'm staying with her for 2 hours until she falls asleep (she does take that long) because my spouse already cares for h…

That's a totally unsustainable routine for you and for your daughter... I'd strongly recommend hiring a great sleep coach!

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#205

Post by michaelleslie » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 9:58 PM UTC

toyg wrote: post #125

gnulinux wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm the absolute opposite. Mornings are for endless procrastination, what can be done in 10 minutes before sleep can be done in an hour in the morning, even if I drink a lot of coffee. This is a really unhealthy habit as sometimes if the activity proves engaging, it keeps me from sleeping, obviously. What's weird is psychoactive substance rarely seem to change this productivity dynamic. Even if I'm well rested and dr…

I do the same. It’s typically a symptom that I don’t really care for the job I’m supposed to do. When I do care, I can barely brush my teeth and I’m right at work. When I don’t care, the morning is full-on procrastination; the boring but necessary stuff gets done mid-afternoon, often out of restlessness. I reckon something happens at the physical level that triggers a tiny bit of adrenaline in the afternoon, so I get…

Logging in to note that these are classic ADHD symptoms, should you want to investigate that aspect of your psyche further.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#206

Post by pojzon » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 10:01 PM UTC

tyre wrote: post #172

godot wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The thing is for many other people it's not about enjoying work or not. I enjoy my job a lot, it's the best one I've had in the past decade. I also have a toddler. After I finish work promptly at 5 (sometimes before, and I work from home), it's a non-stop series of "work" bathing for the kid, either playing with the kid (while my spouse cooks) or I cook (and she plays with the kid, so either way it's busy work for bo…

When I read things like this, it makes me not want to have children. From friends, it doesn’t sound like your experience is much different. I’m sure you’re biased and it’s culturally unacceptable (to say the least) to say that you’d rather not have had kids, but I wonder how often you think about that loss of individuality? Maybe it’s that what you’d do were you to have the time wouldn’t be as “productive” in a broad…

Thing is - not kids are the problem. The problem is 9-17 work so many companies force us into.

I can finish my work in 2h of my 8h workday. Just let me leave at 11am. I’ll have plenty time to learn new things, play with kids, get enough sleep, maintain a healthy social life.

TBH current covid situation is like a blessing for me. I don’t have to “be there”, my work is still done and I can finally spend some time with family.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#207

Post by blunte » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 10:01 PM UTC

Oh my god. I never knew this had a name, but it very much fits my behavior. I crave solitude and control over my own time and attention, and the only time to get that is while the rest of my timezone sleeps.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#208

Post by godot » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 10:02 PM UTC

tyre wrote: post #172

godot wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The thing is for many other people it's not about enjoying work or not. I enjoy my job a lot, it's the best one I've had in the past decade. I also have a toddler. After I finish work promptly at 5 (sometimes before, and I work from home), it's a non-stop series of "work" bathing for the kid, either playing with the kid (while my spouse cooks) or I cook (and she plays with the kid, so either way it's busy work for bo…

When I read things like this, it makes me not want to have children. From friends, it doesn’t sound like your experience is much different. I’m sure you’re biased and it’s culturally unacceptable (to say the least) to say that you’d rather not have had kids, but I wonder how often you think about that loss of individuality? Maybe it’s that what you’d do were you to have the time wouldn’t be as “productive” in a broad…

I think those are great questions to ask actually, my only real answer here is that, one should be very aware of the fact that this current stage is temporary (both for my sanity, as well as for a perspective of cherishing it). As others have said and you already know, the first couple of years of a kid is the toughest for parents. It gets better from there and I know I'll get more free time back pretty much as soon as she starts school, and I'll have more and more free time as she grows older gradually. By the time she's in high school I'll probably have just as much free time as before having kids.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#209

Post by dimnsionofsound » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 10:08 PM UTC

WA9ACE wrote: post #181

tyre wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I read things like this, it makes me not want to have children. From friends, it doesn’t sound like your experience is much different. I’m sure you’re biased and it’s culturally unacceptable (to say the least) to say that you’d rather not have had kids, but I wonder how often you think about that loss of individuality? Maybe it’s that what you’d do were you to have the time wouldn’t be as “productive” in a broad…

I experience much the same things GP does and I like to take a stab at replying to some of your fears. It would have been perfectly acceptable to my circle of family and friends to say that I and my wife would not have kids. Having children is not for everyone, especially those that are afraid of losing their personal time. I definitely miss the amount of personal freedom and time I had on my hands before and kick my…

This sounds like a healthy perspective and I appreciate you acknowledging that having kids might not be for everyone, as someone who is leaning that way myself. Thank you.

Re: The psychology behind ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’

#210

Post by kaybe » Tue, Dec 01, 2020, 10:22 PM UTC

airstrike wrote: post #170

kaybe wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I just saw a note this week that in cases like this it might be good to ask 'what have you tried?' before giving any advice. Maybe HN should get into that habit.

Why? If they decide to share their personal story online, at the very least they should expect to get replies from people who may relate to it and are willing to share their own experiences for what they're worth. If they get offended by that advice, the issue is on them, not me. Also, ironically enough, your comment is actually the unsolicited advice in the thread...

I guess you're right, both comments are, since nobody asked for advice.

I chose this point to invite this discussion, but could have used one of the many others in the same vein as well. What is a good reaction to someone stating their plight but not actually asking for help?