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Ask HN: Are you depressed?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#481

Post by Fumtumi »

marcinostefano wrote: post #335
aspaviento wrote: post #296

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday This is something I'll never understand. How can someone be with another person for so long and be able to end up things in such drastic manner (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship)? I mean, if you hadn't any idea that this could happen then did your partner never try to fix whatever problem you had before taking that decision?

Briffault's law, once girl doesn't have any benefits from relationship, she leaves, simple as that.

Oh boy :|

My relationship is a giving and taking on both sides.

We talked through a lot of things and still do even now after nearly 10 years.

A real relationship is not a one person show.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#482

Post by Fumtumi »

mettamage wrote: post #314
aspaviento wrote: post #296

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday This is something I'll never understand. How can someone be with another person for so long and be able to end up things in such drastic manner (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship)? I mean, if you hadn't any idea that this could happen then did your partner never try to fix whatever problem you had before taking that decision?

> (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship) That's a big assumption. Maybe it's me, but when I look around, I see a lot of hidden tensions in people who've been together for a long time. In most cases, I'd say it borders toxicity. Relationships are tough. IMO what predicts that people stay together is that they're capable of navigating it, it doesn't even matter if the navigation is unhealthy (i.e. lik…

I'm very direct sometimes.

Like it could be that my wife wants to be nice to me and buys something specific and i just say 'ah you shouldn't buy that, it produces so much garbage (lots of wrapping)' and she answers 'yeah i know but i thought you like it so i bought it for you'.

Might not be the perfect example but whenever something similar happens, it feels to me that i took a little bit of 'fun' and 'nice gesture' out of our relationship by saying this kind of things.

On the other hand, if i would never say something (and of course vice versa) we would be stuck but we would not have those small disappointments in our relationship.

But i regret those things because it is much nicer to see your significant other being happy about making you happy.

It is so much easier not to offend someone when you just follow your own set of rules for yourself. Like not telling someone, who just 'drooped' garbage that they just 'drooped' garbage. It is 100 times harder when it is your partner.

Now we don't have any secrets between each other anymore. But that was a long long way and not easy.

Now imagine a Relationship which wouldn't do that. You can easily start living next to each other over a longer period of time and then suddenly you realize that you crossed that border.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#483

Post by sundvor »

farnsworth wrote: post #454
sundvor wrote: post #395

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Garage gym. Ideally bought before the lock down. Or anywhere with a floor strong enough for a squat rack and some weights. The rack, an Olympic bar plus Olympic sized Ezy bar, a bench and an assortment of plates and ideally a plate holder and some thick rubber mats is all you need. Has been an amazing help for myself through some tough periods lately. Also ditto on Stronglifts 5x5.

Nobody who lives in a city can do this. I can't even do jumping jacks in my apartment without pissing off my neighbors. And this time of year, it's always raining so I can't do it outside. It's incredibly depressing.

That's horrible. :( I've seen a lot of strength mobility movement training program ads, not sure if that could be something?

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#484

Post by Subsentient »

delusional wrote: post #291
Subsentient wrote: post #246

I was miserable before it was cool. Before the pandemic, I had a development job in the neighboring city. I'd take a 2 hour commute each way, and when I got home, I'd immediately collapse, sleep, wake up, and head right back to work. I didn't check my phone, my voicemail, my email, or call anyone. Just sleep. I rarely ate. I listened to a lot of death metal during that time. The pandemic hit, and I lost my job, then…

I couldn't imagine living your life man. You must be a really strong person. I hope you turn it around.

On the contrary. I'm a ball of melted down, gibbering insanity. And, the people who parrot "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" have clearly never met a quadriplegic. :^)

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#485

Post by cercatrova »

hutzlibu wrote: post #445
regularjack wrote: post #375

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think dismissing the end of a 13 year relationship with the "plenty of fish in the sea" argument and saying "stop wasting your time" is probably not what OP needs to hear right now.

Well, if after 13 years of relationship he planned a marriage and did not noticed his girlfriend planning to leave, there was probably something deeply wrong with that relationship in the first place. A marriage would not have likely not changed that, only cemented. Probably also nothing what he wants to hear, but maybe what he needs to hear. Truth can hurt. Alternative is digging into self loathing of how he should…

Exactly, it sounds harsh but if someone was with you for 13 years and leaves 6 months after you're jobless, it probably wasn't just the unemployment that made them leave, it was probably a lot of other factors.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#486

Post by ktm5j »

throwaway512092 wrote: post #447
ktm5j wrote: post #419

Well yeah. At the start of covid, I was dealing with ptsd from a difficult childhood.. and after some time with a good therapist (for once) I've managed to work past a lot of issues, and finally built up the courage to come out as transgender. Now I'm working with an endocrinologist on transitioning to female with hormone replacement therapy. Now I've been queer in intolerant environments before, but I have been pret…

I implore you to reconsider. I was "supportive" of my friend who came out as trans. I regret this. Like the vast majority of men, he never had a realistic chance of passing, especially since he did not start taking hormones until his mid-twenties. It was a sad delusion, and I was one of many who enabled it. For me, it was the path of least resistance: I didn't want to lose my friend. I wish I had just told him my tru…

WOW, please don't say shit like this to people. You have no idea what my life has been like and you have no place projecting your single anecdote onto others. I "reconsidered" once already and it was the biggest mistake of my life and wasted the past 10 years where I could have been making progress towards my goals.

If you convince even one person to give up on their identity because of this pettiness then you should know what an awful thing you've done. I'm glad you put "supportive" in quotation marks, because based on how many times you've referred to your friend with male gendered pronouns (and other evidence) I doubt very much that you were actually supportive. Sounds like a good thing that your friend has "gone away", which I hope just means that she got far away from you.

Also it's disgusting and ignorant for you to imply that childhood trauma causes people to become trans. I was also abused as a kid and I've heard this argument too many times from people who don't know what they're talking about. Queer kids are targeted because they are queer. Because of the shame society puts on being different, they are far less likely to report something. Your causality is backwards.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#487

Post by ktm5j »

bstar77 wrote: post #427
ktm5j wrote: post #419

Well yeah. At the start of covid, I was dealing with ptsd from a difficult childhood.. and after some time with a good therapist (for once) I've managed to work past a lot of issues, and finally built up the courage to come out as transgender. Now I'm working with an endocrinologist on transitioning to female with hormone replacement therapy. Now I've been queer in intolerant environments before, but I have been pret…

I don't understand what compels people to go out of their way to hurt others that just want to live their life as anyone would. That said, if you really think your neighbors are a threat to your well being, you might want to setup some cameras to record any altercations or harassments.

I've got cameras.. but these things don't happen in front of my house. I have witnesses, I've thought about pursuing the police option.. but I don't exactly see that route improving my popularity, nor do I expect the good ol boy cops around here are going to have my best interest at heart.

Up until July, it was legal for me to be discriminated against based on my gender identity O_O. I'm getting out of this area as quickly as possible.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#488

Post by ktm5j »

throwaway512092 wrote: post #447
ktm5j wrote: post #419

Well yeah. At the start of covid, I was dealing with ptsd from a difficult childhood.. and after some time with a good therapist (for once) I've managed to work past a lot of issues, and finally built up the courage to come out as transgender. Now I'm working with an endocrinologist on transitioning to female with hormone replacement therapy. Now I've been queer in intolerant environments before, but I have been pret…

I implore you to reconsider. I was "supportive" of my friend who came out as trans. I regret this. Like the vast majority of men, he never had a realistic chance of passing, especially since he did not start taking hormones until his mid-twenties. It was a sad delusion, and I was one of many who enabled it. For me, it was the path of least resistance: I didn't want to lose my friend. I wish I had just told him my tru…

Honestly this shit bothers me so much. You're worse than the people who call me a fag, because at least they aren't under some delusion that they're being helpful.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#489

Post by kls »

So for years I was diagnosed as depressed, but I never really felt depressed just tired, really, really tired. After a suicide attempt I decided to just let go and find a therapist who I could really really relate with and let it all hang out. Low and behold this gentleman figured out what I had a feeling about all along but could not put a finger on it. What he figured out was that I had PTSD comorbid with ADHD, when I would get down in a hole via the PTSD the ADHD would leave me in a pattern in which I could not figure out how to put one foot in front of the other, which would leave me in the hole watching the world stack on top of me.

He said he had seen this a lot with "resistant" depression because it is not depression at all, it is PTSD coupled with ADHD/ADD which is a really bad and many times fatal combo. ADD makes you feel just as worthless as depression, and PTSD is a match in a dynamite factory coupled they can look a lot like resistant depression. I user anyone who suffers from resistant depression to at least have the checks for comorbid PTSD and ADD.

Re: Ask HN: Are you depressed?

#490

Post by kls »

swat535 wrote: post #186

Nowhere else to post this so here it goes. I lost my job in January. From January - March I started looking for a job and then COVID hits at the height of my search, now suddenly no one is hiring and all the businesses are slowing down. My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday in June before I had a chance to propose to her, I had to return the ring, she had no idea and I never told her about it. I…

Sorry buddy, throw the politics out, the reality is it's not worth investing your emotions in. Especially if you are in this state. On your girl sorry man pretty shitty to do it the day after your birthday. But the reality is she is gone, women rarely come back get it in your mind that she is gone and free yourself from it. I know that is easier said than done, but the point is to get back to happy and hanging onto that is not going to get you there. Shit if you have to hire escorts every damn day until it makes the though of her fade. Seriously you need to do something to make that fade, do not hold onto hope there. Focus on your job, make it the #1 priority, ensure that you have done a good job there before you move on to other things such as browsing the web. Finally find an interest, get involved in it, and meet people with similar interests, try to avoid sitting in the house alone until you feel like you have found balance and are comfortable in your own skin sitting alone at home. As I tell everyone in this situation, my contact info is in my HN profile, you can ping me if you just need someone to talk to, sometimes strangers are the best people to talk to.
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