Ask HN: How to fix expectations and set up path for life?

I'm maybe not the kind of FANG(m) hotshot HN user your seeking an answer from here... But... Time spent in the selfless service of the betterment of community and humanity, the assistance of those less able than oneself, and the propagation of one's values into the future, on reflection doesn't often feel meaningless. Maybe think about how you can expand your thinking of your life to be more than just your own successful career path and you will find more fulfillment, and be more comfortable keeping high expectations. As FANG and software eat the world, there is a lot of community, open tech, open source, decentralisation projects that need peoples help to keep the balance of power slipping away from us common plebs. Another option is to look into the cosmic perspective.. get some sense of scale of humanity, and it's interconnected place in the long time line of the web of life in the world.. botany and geology are great for putting humans into perspective, and spending time outdoors looking at plants and rocks will also fight depression in many ways. Maybe search of some blog where people write about their career paths in IT to get an idea of what others have done before.

Consulting a psychiatrist seems like a great move!

It kind of seems like you're missing a philosophical framework. I'm not sure what framework would appeal to you, but finding one that makes sense could help you understand what would give your life meaning.

People can derive satisfaction from all kinds of jobs (but not necessarily any job) with the right mindset and perspective. Understanding your own motivations will also help you work towards a social life that you find rewarding.

I too have suffered from depression. The work of Dr. David Burns have proven to be most helpful to me! I'd suggest checking out his website feelinggood.com or his new book "Feeling Great" - he also has a podcast. FWIW, Dr. Burns is not some kind of "self-help charlatan" He is a Stanford MD/Psychiatrist with decades of experience treating depression. Best wishes!

Start by expelling any false expectations you may have and then analyze what you have accomplished as compared to alternatives from peers or the marketplace. If you are not happy with your current path then make a change. This is challenging if you have dependents, but if you are single then just go do something else. Nothing is stopping you from a life change more than yourself.

Here are some common expectations to dispell:

* Unless it is in writing and legally binding nobody owns you anything. This is deeper than it sounds and many people struggle with this in a very infantile way.

* Don't be a freeloader. Don't expect people to give you assistance. Assistance is wonderful when you need it, but if you are dependent upon assistance people will come to think of you as a disease.

* Don't wait for somebody to tell when you when to start. Waiting is a waste. Just go. If you are wrong about something you can correct for it later.

* Don't expect all of life's problems to be solved by social structures. I have spoken with teenagers who expect to get into a good school or expect to have the most wonderful job once they graduate. Imposing false promises upon yourself results in more disappointment than action. If you want a wonderful job then start by working your ass off to be wonderful at your job.

* Don't expect somebody else to do your job for you, which includes tools and frameworks. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to solve a problem. Reliance on helpers to do your job for you is great until they can't solve a given problem then your fucked. Even worse is when that tool is no longer available, which is worse because the result is defensive behavior that nobody wants to associate with.

* Be goal oriented. If you know what you are striving for you can backwards plan the steps necessary to accomplish it. If you manage a team write those goals down and expose them to your team so that the team moves towards the goal as a collected unit.

* Understand the nature of vanity. Vanity is necessary to set positive impressions and satisfy customer experience. Beyond that vanity carries a diminishing return over time with an inversely proportional cost.