Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#1

Post by watermelon59 » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 3:16 AM UTC

I'm not in a good place mentally.

The pandemic has taken a massive toll on my mental health. Not only because I can't socialize like I did before, but also because I had to stop practicing my sport. My sport was one of the main things that kept me sane. I work out at home now, but it's nowhere near the same thing as going to practice 3-4 times a week.

On top of that, my wife left me in January before the pandemic hit. We're now going through the legal stuff, which is pretty stressful.

And I'm potentially dealing with some health issues. Still waiting for an appointment with my primary care provider.

I'm doing therapy. It's been keeping me barely sane. My weekly therapy session is the thing I look forward to the most during the week.

I'm a senior engineer at a large tech company. I'm paid a very handsome salary and quite a lot in RSUs to care about some of their systems. Given my position as senior, I'm expected to make big, important decisions, and to mentor people in the team.

I can't do any of that right now. I've been feeling like I'm scamming the company, because there have been entire weeks where I literally didn't work. And it's not because I don't want to, but I sit in front of my laptop and feel totally overwhelmed by everything and completely blocked mentally. My manager is actually aware of that and has been very understanding, but I still feel really bad about it.

I don't want to quit to take time off though. I feel like that'd be worse, and I'd probably just spend my days in bed not doing anything. I can still code - I do my own coding in the evenings, and that's been going quite well (nothing that will make me money though). I just can't be expected to care about stuff and to be involved as if my life depended on the services we build. There's no space in my head for that.

If I could get a job where I'm basically assigned tasks to code things to spec, done, next, that'd be perfect.

Does that even exist though?

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#2

Post by chovyfu » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 3:21 AM UTC

I was in your shoes about 2.5 years ago. I quit my highpaying job and its been fun for awhile, but since the pandemic hit I'm finding zero work. I keep getting passed over after going through all the hoops of tech interviewing. It's exhausting.

One thing you should talk to your doctor about is temporary leave of absence. I took 3 months off although it wasn't nearly enough it was enough to get my shit straight. I quit shortly after because corporate America is a toxic shithole especially for people like us with mental health issues.

Even if you quit and worked part time, the only real option out there is upwork. Pay is crap and you're competing with India.

I would say find a way to stay where you are until this pandemic nonsense is over.

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#3

Post by ibraheemdev » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 3:30 AM UTC

chovyfu wrote: post #2

I was in your shoes about 2.5 years ago. I quit my highpaying job and its been fun for awhile, but since the pandemic hit I'm finding zero work. I keep getting passed over after going through all the hoops of tech interviewing. It's exhausting. One thing you should talk to your doctor about is temporary leave of absence. I took 3 months off although it wasn't nearly enough it was enough to get my shit straight. I qui…

> I would say find a way to stay where you are until this pandemic nonsense is over.

Problem is, we don't know when that's gonna happen. I've seen reports ranging from 6 months to 10 years. Not to be a downer, but its probably not a good idea to rely on the pandemic ending any time soon

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#4

Post by austincheney » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 3:58 AM UTC

I separated from a high paying job where I literally didn’t do anything and was severely micromanaged. There were several factors to account for that scenario including fragility of the software product, fragility of the work requirements, challenge communicating tasks, and so forth. So I drove to work everyday and sat there, but because of the micromanagement I had to toggle the mouse all day to appear active on the computer.

Then COVID and I got to do the same from home. I missed my coworkers because the people I worked with were great, but considering the work I was actually doing it was better being at home. I could toggle the mouse while holding long conversations with the wife or do more entertaining things on my personal computer at the same time.

This left a lot of insecurity and depression about the employment. I never became a software developer for the money, but because I like to build things. I wasn’t doing anything enjoyable and felt the roof could cave in at any minute.

Now I am away on a military deployment where I am often very busy. I have a team to manage and a great many things to produce. I am away from the family for many months but this change of environment is so great for the mental health. I can directly and measurably see the results of my teams productivity.

Am I concerned though. Military deployments are temporary. I will have to go back to that which was so depressing. I have been building a side project. I am thinking of turning this into a business when I return, which is scary. I am a developer, not a business person.

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#5

Post by caryd » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 4:38 AM UTC

I do a lot of hiring in this field. I have zero interest in anyone who changes jobs regularly. This might sound mean, but I promise I mean it as sincerely as possible. Grow up, focus on your life, and stop worrying about the things you can't change. You got to where you are for a reason. People rely on you. The first thing you should do is work extra hours to make up for the slacking. You will feel good. You also need to take care of yourself. A proper diet and exercise is extremely important. After that, get a wholesome hobby you can pour yourself into. Master something.

Good luck. Honestly

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#6

Post by caryd » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 4:46 AM UTC

caryd wrote: post #5

I do a lot of hiring in this field. I have zero interest in anyone who changes jobs regularly. This might sound mean, but I promise I mean it as sincerely as possible. Grow up, focus on your life, and stop worrying about the things you can't change. You got to where you are for a reason. People rely on you. The first thing you should do is work extra hours to make up for the slacking. You will feel good. You also nee…

Down vote an honest opinion. Nice. Enjoy your echo chamber.

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#7

Post by blitz_skull » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 5:07 AM UTC

caryd wrote: post #6

caryd wrote: post #5

I do a lot of hiring in this field. I have zero interest in anyone who changes jobs regularly. This might sound mean, but I promise I mean it as sincerely as possible. Grow up, focus on your life, and stop worrying about the things you can't change. You got to where you are for a reason. People rely on you. The first thing you should do is work extra hours to make up for the slacking. You will feel good. You also nee…

Down vote an honest opinion. Nice. Enjoy your echo chamber.

Honest opinion != Reasonable opinion

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#8

Post by watermelon59 » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 5:26 AM UTC

caryd wrote: post #5

I do a lot of hiring in this field. I have zero interest in anyone who changes jobs regularly. This might sound mean, but I promise I mean it as sincerely as possible. Grow up, focus on your life, and stop worrying about the things you can't change. You got to where you are for a reason. People rely on you. The first thing you should do is work extra hours to make up for the slacking. You will feel good. You also nee…

Sorry, this isn't helpful at all, and I feel the need to address it.

> I have zero interest in anyone who changes jobs regularly.

I've been on this job for several years. I don't change jobs frequently.

> Grow up, focus on your life

Considering I was married and raised a kid, I think that covers the growing up part. The therapy part covers focusing on my life.

> The first thing you should do is work extra hours to make up for the slacking

That'll just be extra hours of not doing anything productive. I've tried it multiple times over the past months.

> A proper diet and exercise is extremely important.

Check and check. Already taken care of. Not making a difference. Sleep is also fine.

> After that, get a wholesome hobby you can pour yourself into.

That used to be my sport. I've picked up a few things that interest me and they're fine. They don't make a difference wrt job situation.

The main issue right now is that my life is falling apart around me (there's even more to what I wrote in my post but I don't feel like sharing everything) and I have a job that demands that I care too much about things. It's very hard to care about a handful of online services that bear no impact on my life, when almost everything else is falling to pieces.

I need a less demanding job for my present situation. One that doesn't require emotional involvement in what I do. Something task-oriented: do it, call it a day, do the next thing, call it a day... collect paycheck. Repeat. I'm just not in a position to decide what's the best tech out of five options to build our next service AND mentor two junior devs AND review code from seven different people making sure it's all coherent with the existing code base. Too much going on in life to care that much about things at work.

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#9

Post by watermelon59 » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 5:31 AM UTC

austincheney wrote: post #4

I separated from a high paying job where I literally didn’t do anything and was severely micromanaged. There were several factors to account for that scenario including fragility of the software product, fragility of the work requirements, challenge communicating tasks, and so forth. So I drove to work everyday and sat there, but because of the micromanagement I had to toggle the mouse all day to appear active on the…

> There were several factors to account for that scenario including fragility of the software product, fragility of the work requirements, challenge communicating tasks, and so forth.

This definitely plays into why I'm feeling overwhelmed. I get these big projects assigned to me with zero clarity on what exactly needs to be built. I reach out to the people who'll use it and not even they know what they want, they just want "something." It's very hard for me to make progress on things because all our infra is managed by an operations team, so anything I want to explore needs to be done by "human proxy".

Communication is a huge issue for me as I'm in the spectrum. How I wish neurodiversity was as recognized and catered to as gender and racial diversity! There is virtually zero empathy for those of us that are quite challenged when it comes to dealing with other people who are not immediate team members who we've gotten used to.

Are you in the US armed forces? I have considered enlisting and not trying to move up the ranks as a way to basically give up my life for a bit and be ordered around without having to make big decisions.

Re: Ask HN: I need help finding a job that fits my current mental situation

#10

Post by austincheney » Wed, Oct 28, 2020, 7:11 AM UTC

watermelon59 wrote: post #9

austincheney wrote: post #4

I separated from a high paying job where I literally didn’t do anything and was severely micromanaged. There were several factors to account for that scenario including fragility of the software product, fragility of the work requirements, challenge communicating tasks, and so forth. So I drove to work everyday and sat there, but because of the micromanagement I had to toggle the mouse all day to appear active on the…

> There were several factors to account for that scenario including fragility of the software product, fragility of the work requirements, challenge communicating tasks, and so forth. This definitely plays into why I'm feeling overwhelmed. I get these big projects assigned to me with zero clarity on what exactly needs to be built. I reach out to the people who'll use it and not even they know what they want, they jus…

I work as both a senior developer for a large corporation and am in the US military. Right now I am temporarily just military.

As for communication spend some time with your QA people. In my past employment the people who really mastered precision are always the QA. The clarity and detail they dive into with their written word is nothing short of astonishing compared to what many developers produce.

If you want to depth of detail that goes into communicating a well written plan spend some time with a good PMP certified project manager.

To produce better communication about product direction/features you need a huge level of empathy for your users. The end user generally knows what they want intuitively but often cannot communicate that into a feature request. You need to watch how they use your product see where they struggle and repeat steps. Again this is far different than what many developers communicate. Many developers communicate what makes things easier for themselves, the developer, without ever considering the impact to the user and is then completely inept at communicating the difference, which is incredibly frustrating.