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Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

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Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#41

Post by allenu »

I think this post boils down to two things: finding meaning in one's life and using external validation to define oneself. I think the shift to "competing with oneself" is an attempt to move away from the external validation to give one meaning.

That said, I think these are issues that are always going to come up in life. I wouldn't necessarily describe it as a quarter-life crisis. The crisis part is the realization that these are real issues one has to reckon with, essentially forever. That's life.

I think with age (being 42 and knowing how much more driven I was in my youth), you do eventually start to realize competing with others or even oneself is not necessarily a great goal. Life is about experiences and living. Sometimes things go your way, sometimes they don't. A lot of it isn't in your control.

Trying to be better than others or yourself a year ago is very hard to sustain. You eventually have to be okay with who you are where you are right now. That doesn't mean you give up on dreams, just that you hold them in their proper context.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#42

Post by TechBro8615 »

rconti wrote: post #15
lowiqengineer wrote: post #10

I had my first quarter life crisis at 18, when I came to grips with the fact that I had accomplished nothing in my life so far, as evidenced by my lack of good college admissions - I graduated only 2nd in my class with just a 1500 SAT, which isn't good enough for top schools. Unlike OP, however, it was less of an aimless drift and more of an aggressive, angry depression. Had another one at 20, when I realized that no…

I didn't realize anyone (who cares about company 'status') considered Amazon to be lower-status than Facebook or Google. I mean, hell, it comes after F and before G in FAANG :) At the very least, Amazon is probably considered to have better ethics than Facebook, if that helps.

Some people consider employment itself to be low-status.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#43

Post by tidepod12 »

rconti wrote: post #15
lowiqengineer wrote: post #10

I had my first quarter life crisis at 18, when I came to grips with the fact that I had accomplished nothing in my life so far, as evidenced by my lack of good college admissions - I graduated only 2nd in my class with just a 1500 SAT, which isn't good enough for top schools. Unlike OP, however, it was less of an aimless drift and more of an aggressive, angry depression. Had another one at 20, when I realized that no…

I didn't realize anyone (who cares about company 'status') considered Amazon to be lower-status than Facebook or Google. I mean, hell, it comes after F and before G in FAANG :) At the very least, Amazon is probably considered to have better ethics than Facebook, if that helps.

There are certain circles or communities where that's the case, unfortunately. I casually browse Blind sometimes and the overwhelming attitude there is that Amazon is the "lesser" FAANG and is where you work if you couldn't cut it at Google/FB/Netflix. There's a lot of negativity about things like "Amazon doesn't provide free lunch? why even work there? Google gives me free lunch and free dinner!"

There's also a huge emphasis in such circles on compensation, and Amazon supposedly has a somewhat lower total compensation for entry level engineers than Google et al. That's a huge deal to status chasers who only measure their self worth in money.

FWIW I do not recommend browsing Blind because it is full of toxic mindsets like that, nor do I agree at all with it... I'm just sharing some context that such communities do exist.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#44

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

That was an interesting read. I enjoy it when folks write about things other than the technical. We're human; first and foremost.

For myself, I won't get into it, but I have spent the last 40 years living a life of rigorous self-honesty, and self-evaluation. I take daily personal inventory, and often immediately admit wrong and move to correct any errors.

I'm not very competitive. In order to compete, one must win, and when one wins, someone else loses. I have found that we can often work together to achieve far more than is possible alone; no matter how talented and energetic we are. I can be on a team that may be competing against another team, but often, there's no need for competition, and I never compete against my team members.

I've also spent that last 40 years helping others, and being of Service. Many of those I help have been the victims of someone else's competitiveness, so it gives me a good baseline to reflect on what "competition" looks like, on the losing end.

My lack of competitiveness has often been read as weakness. People that know me, know that's not a particularly helpful approach, when dealing with me.

I just find that we get a lot more done, when we stop trying to beat each other, and see how we can use our differences and orthogonal viewpoints as a concrete mix.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#45

Post by inglor_cz »

yitianjian wrote: post #27
seibelj wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are 24 and work at amazon (I assume in engineering) and you think others consider you a disappointment? I honestly think you need therapy, you have some major self esteem issues. Part of being an adult is not caring what others think, you need to be happy for yourself.

I think it may be the "working at Amazon" part, considering its been under fire quite a lot in the last few years

TBH being under fire is (being in the spotlight) squared.

If a corporation is not under fire, in all likelihood it is not saintly, but too mediocre to be interesting.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#46

Post by agumonkey »

rconti wrote: post #19

Part of becoming an adult is learning how to (be able to) do what you want. It's not an easy transition, from one of having your identity and goals shaped by others (family), and being released into a world where you define your own identity and goals. Maybe you'll be happy with your achievement graduating from a good college, and use that education to do satisfactory work and earn a satisfactory living, and pursue y…

Another part is also realizing that society is a very mild and highly relativistic compromise minefield and not to pay too much attention to how things work.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#47

Post by agumonkey »

sweetheart wrote: post #12
lowiqengineer wrote: post #10

I had my first quarter life crisis at 18, when I came to grips with the fact that I had accomplished nothing in my life so far, as evidenced by my lack of good college admissions - I graduated only 2nd in my class with just a 1500 SAT, which isn't good enough for top schools. Unlike OP, however, it was less of an aimless drift and more of an aggressive, angry depression. Had another one at 20, when I realized that no…

I mean this with only compassion and a deep sense of empathy - you should consider therapy if you aren’t already going. What you’re describing sounds like Hell, and my first thought is that life doesn’t need to be that way for anyone. You are a source of immense value to the world, and if you don’t agree, it just means you can’t see what others can yet.

second this somehow, don't grind long term like this, life is supposed to be acceptably cool, and even if it's a battle a times, it's better served with a goal that you find worth fighting for so no anger but just drive

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#48

Post by lowiqengineer »

bb611 wrote: post #31
lowiqengineer wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> but I caught myself sleuthing on your github and LinkedIn and feeling that familiar sense of envy He works at AWS? Is that considered particularly impressive to be envious over? Sure he went to Hopkins but that's not atypical in the Princeton area. I'd imagine for most of his peers from high school he's considered a disappointment for working at "only" AWS, they're probably all ML Engineers at FB or Google or Two S…

> I'd imagine for most of his peers from high school he's considered a disappointment for working at "only" AWS I went to school at about the same time at the other high school in town (technically 2 towns, 1 combined school district), my family mostly still lives there. A job across the country in a well known tech company is reasonably top 25% of the class or so. Not standout, but nothing to be embarrassed about, a…

If your parents don't talk about it (as mine don't, presumably because they're ashamed?) I don't know if it's "nothing to be embarrassed about".

What did the top 1% do? What did your valedictorian(s) do?

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#49

Post by lowiqengineer »

tidepod12 wrote: post #43
rconti wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't realize anyone (who cares about company 'status') considered Amazon to be lower-status than Facebook or Google. I mean, hell, it comes after F and before G in FAANG :) At the very least, Amazon is probably considered to have better ethics than Facebook, if that helps.

There are certain circles or communities where that's the case, unfortunately. I casually browse Blind sometimes and the overwhelming attitude there is that Amazon is the "lesser" FAANG and is where you work if you couldn't cut it at Google/FB/Netflix. There's a lot of negativity about things like "Amazon doesn't provide free lunch? why even work there? Google gives me free lunch and free dinner!" There's also a huge…

Same at the top schools. I've never heard of someone at a top school be proud of going to Amazon - it's only something they do if they have no other options in my experience.

Re: Competition and Quarter-Life Crises

#50

Post by dang »

lowiqengineer wrote: post #10

I had my first quarter life crisis at 18, when I came to grips with the fact that I had accomplished nothing in my life so far, as evidenced by my lack of good college admissions - I graduated only 2nd in my class with just a 1500 SAT, which isn't good enough for top schools. Unlike OP, however, it was less of an aimless drift and more of an aggressive, angry depression. Had another one at 20, when I realized that no…

You've created multiple accounts and posted hundreds of comments about this. I'm sympathetic to whatever pain is underlying that, but that doesn't make it ok to keep posting like this. Single-purpose accounts are not ok on HN, and such repetition is not in keeping with the site mandate.

Readers who encounter any single comment along these lines are naturally going to feel sympathetic, but that can't continue past a certain threshold of repetition. In that sense these conversations are illusory. Bringing it up again and again is not helping you, and it's damaging this site. Commenting so repetitively, even about a topic like personal pain which obviously matters, is functionally in the same category as spamming or trolling.

We banned your previous account that was doing this and asked you to stop. I'm going to ban this one as well and ask you to please not do this again.

I wish you well—I'm sure we all wish you well—in finding a way out of this into more satisfaction and self-kindness.

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