11–20 of 46 posts
How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/14...
It's definitely worked for me in helping tackle my problems problems with social interactions.
Put energy into a system, energy has to come out somewhere.
In other words, if you make an effort with relationships, said relationships will make an effort with you. Personally I often simply forget to do this (rather than being fueled by some sort of anxiety), but really with modern means of communication there's just no excuse.
Go sit on facebook, when a person says something communicate. Like it, post a comment. Whatever. This alone is enough to build at least a bit of a relationship, then just ask them out for coffee. You'd be surprised how easy it is to get people out for drinks if you just so much as ask.
From that point on it's just about maintaining a sufficient level of contact, because that's really all that friendship is - closeness.
Oh and another thing to remember: "Hi" is an excellent ice breaker.
Regarding social anxiety: I was pretty much the same at your age, and I think the reason was simply a severe lack of self-esteem resulting in excessive self-consciousness. One thing that helped me was to realize that everyone is insecure to some degree, and that everyone is at least a bit worried about what other people think about them. Once I had realized that, I tried to make other people feel comfortable around me instead of worrying why I felt so uncomfortable. But this takes practice and time, which is why I still recommend seeing a professional. And when I say it takes time, then I mean that it takes time to to overcome the fear to do the things you're afraid of. Once you've done this a few times (or even just once), change can happen very quickly.
Try to worry less about people thinking of you as "the quiet guy". They probably don't think as much about you as you believe they do. They mostly think about how they appear to others, just more moderately than you (hopefully).
I'm confident that you'll overcome your anxiety sooner or later if you don't just ignore the issue, which you're not doing. So chin up!
You shouldn't really have to 'try' in a conversation. If it feels that way, it's fine to just be quiet until you feel like talking (if ever). Learning to be comfortable with silence around others is one of the keys to beating social anxiety. That horrible awkwardness you feel when you can't think of the 'right' thing to say is the core of it all. Friendly quiet people are as well liked as anyone. If the other person…
I like the do idea. I've always been passive and waited for others to make decisions and organize the activity. I'm embarrassed that I made this post now as I'm sure this is obvious to most people.
Another great divider that I've observed is that there are two kinds of people: emotional and analytic. The trick is to know (at least at the time) which one you are and which one the other person is, as they don't mix very well. Between an emotional and an analytic personality there's very little to talk about really because the world looks so different when seen mostly through emotions versus mostly through analytic cognition.
For example, if we have even an excuse for a common interest I hit it off easily with the same kind of a person yet despite the fact that I do have some social skills it's a fucking deadend with the other kind of a person. There's just nothing to share and nothing to tell that resonates at all with the other. Not even the weather actually.
Here is my short guide.
1: Read everything written here - http://30sleeps.com/blog/ , particularly the old stuff is relevant.
2: Find 2-3 groups of people who you know none of. Many people do this at university. This is a clean slate. Worst case, you never talk to these people again.
3: ( This plan does not involve becoming a drunk ) Booze. Varying quantities of it. In different situations. Watch how you act, if you act differently or get over your social anxiety, watch how you do it, and the results that you get.
4: Back to sober. Make an absolute fool of yourself being overconfident. Don't be a huge asshole, people do have feelings. Keep in mind things that you learned in steps 1 and 3. Watch what happens. Make mistakes. Do it wrong.
5: Apply lessons learned in everyday life.
That is abstract. Tangibly, I did 1, 3, then 2. Step 2 was local games of Manhunt, and university Debate. Step 4 was me acting much like my drunk self. Mixing in the behavior I saw in more confident people. I did this at manhunt and I did this on trips to debate tournaments. When it got too stressful, I listened to "Come on Sea Legs" by Immaculate Machine. Over and Over again. Gradually ramped it up, made myself say yes to every opportunity. Went out on a limb more and more.
It probably helped that debate forced me to stand in front of people and talk with no more than 15 minutes preparation. I was really really godawful at first, and got better. Remember, you will fail a lot. Don't do Toastmasters. Do open mic night, do karaoke, ideally do debate at your local university ( they will have absolutely 0 problem with this at most universities )
My end result was a personality which shares a lot with my drunk ( more honest, to the point ) self. It also shares a lot with the more confident friends I have had through my life. In no way do I feel that I am "faking" it (anymore). Getting rid of the social anxiety wholesale solved everything else. Including the not knowing how to have an interesting conversation.
I can tell you one thing: it gets much easier later because when you're older you'll think less about what other people think about you and more about what you think about other people. The other side of the coin is that you'll become much more picky about who you would consider an interesting person. Another great divider that I've observed is that there are two kinds of people: emotional and analytic. The trick is…
Wouldn't seeing the world differently offer more to talk about?
This is a problem that I had down to the word ( except being able to give presentations, you got me on that ), and fixed. Here is my short guide. 1: Read everything written here - http://30sleeps.com/blog/ , particularly the old stuff is relevant. 2: Find 2-3 groups of people who you know none of. Many people do this at university. This is a clean slate. Worst case, you never talk to these people again. 3: ( This pla…