I had to say no to a busy-work position this week.
And I am a people pleaser.
What I did frame it to my manager as saying ‘yes’ to my current work-state, which everyone agreed was going really well. Don’t want to mess up a good thing :)
How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
121–130 of 280 posts
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#122Earlier quoted context omitted.
The >"radical free speech" crowd understands hurting other people's feelings, they just don't believe anyone should be compelled by law not to hurt someone else's feelings.
I dont think it is entirely true. I have many times seen people argue that something like offence does not exist. Or that "hurt feelings" are basically your own fault. Or that put downs or insults are all just about your own weak feelings. Including on HN.
Yes there is some overlap in the groups but they are not the same group.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#123Earlier quoted context omitted.
I’m a fairly blunt, “pithy” chap. This has not always won me friends, but this bluntness comes with a couple of important caveats: 1) I always treat people with respect . This is different from deference . I’ve spent a significant part of my life dealing with people that are sometimes emotionally challenged, coupled with a propensity for dealing with problems violently. Many of these folks react very badly to “snooti…
> less-than-optimal, but I would do it, anyway. How did those things turn out? (Been in similar situations at my previous job)
Both good and bad. In some cases, the boss was right, and I was wrong (always a good idea to tell the boss they were right). In other cases, I was right, and the boss was wrong (seldom a good idea to tell the boss they were wrong).
Human relationships, as another commenter pointed out, are the real meat in life, and tend to present the biggest challenges. My self-discipline and self-awareness have almost nothing to do with my career, but are the result of a lifetime of personal self-development. Long, boring story.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#124Book recommendations in that respect: - "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Robert A. Glover: A great book on identification and elimination of nice guy behaviors with lots of exercises. - "When I say no I feel guilty" Manuel J. Smith: Techniques with lots of examples on how to stay assertive and deal with attempts to manipulate you into doing something. Relevant for dealing with colleagues, spouses, shop clerks, ... There are ot…
Reading "No more Mr. Nice Guy" was like someone peering into my brain and describing it. I'm cautious in taking the psychological explanations for granted, but the behaviors themselves were scarily accurate.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#125I used to be exactly the person the article describes. Then I became an engineering manager. A year later, I cannot even recognize the old, people-pleasing me. Saying "no" by default, not jumping into commitments, pushing back on unreasonable demands (from both above and below) - all come so naturally to me now it's unbelievable.
> Then I became an engineering manager. A year later, I cannot even recognize the old, people-pleasing me
How did that transition happen? How was the first time as an eng manager, did you get bitten by saying Yes sometimes in the very beginning
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#126Often it's closely related to miscommunication between High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people. A people pleaser usually is from the high context, and implicitly by accepting to help there is an expectation that the person asking is at least just not merely exploiting them for personal gain and at least aiming to increase the collective value. Once you have identified what type of culture someone t…
What are "High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people"?
Also, "Once you have identified what type of culture someone tend to follow" -- what are good ways to do that sooner rather than later?
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#127Earlier quoted context omitted.
What has your recent experience been as these opportunities arise in the face of COVID? How does the potential for danger in even mundane social gatherings affect your decision now? In the last 18 months I came to the same conclusion as you and started socializing more, but then COVID happened and then quarantine and while the rest of my office rushes back to doing team lunches and whatnot, I find myself hesitating.…
I wish there were actually opportunities in my life. My office is still closed, I tried to have a reunion with university mates in my home country (I always meet them when I travel back to my birthplace), but 3 out of 4 of them bailed out. I tried to reach out to other friends, but (except one or two) they are also opting out of meeting anyone for the foreseeable future. I'd obviously try to play it safe: meet the ot…
What I started doing during the 5 month lockdown in Bogotá is going for extended walks every day and convinced friends/coworkers and some dates to join. Less risk than meeting indoors and free so it is easier for those who lost their job or have reduced salary to do something.
That said, many people I would meet on a regular basis before, I haven't seen in person since it started. E.g. because they moved out of the citg for the time being or are taking care of their parents and don't want to take risk. With those we started having semi regular group videocalls just chatting to a glass of wine or beer. Not ideal but it did had the upside to connect more to people living elsewhere I interacted less with before the Pandemic.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#128Earlier quoted context omitted.
There have never been laws against hurting people's feelings. And no one is advocating for laws against hurting people's feelings. We're telling you, if you act like an asshole other people might not like it and that's fair. And that you can get fired for being an asshole. And that the law is merely that the government will not imprison you for being an asshole.
The obvious example is misgendering and the whole Jordan Peterson debacle comes to mind. >We're telling you, if you act like an asshole other people might not like it and that's fair. Trust me abrasive people understand this, some of them get off on it. >And that you can get fired for being an asshole. I agree if you're an asshole it is grounds for firing. I've worked with some real abusive dickheads before who shoul…
Jordan Peterson railed against a guideline that, from what I understand, had no consequences to him. He blew it up as if he was being persecuted but the actual law was just “hey please consider using people’s preferred pronouns”.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#129My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is nothing compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared expe…
This is one of the main reasons why I prefer living in big cities. Compared to other places I've stayed, it makes it a whole lot easier to build and maintain human connections with people whose preferences and interests overlap with mine. I also do plenty of activities I'm not really interested in for the sake of socializing. But always just adopting to whatever is most popular at a given time would be soulcrushing t…
I have the excact opposite experience. The closer you live, the more people protect their privacy sphere around them and more often avoid real connections with people they run into, like neighbors. After we moved from living close in the city to outside the city limits, with way more space around us, we went from "hello" when meeting a neighbor to now stopping up and talking for real and taking a real interest in eachother, helping eachother out, etc.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#130Often it's closely related to miscommunication between High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people. A people pleaser usually is from the high context, and implicitly by accepting to help there is an expectation that the person asking is at least just not merely exploiting them for personal gain and at least aiming to increase the collective value. Once you have identified what type of culture someone t…
What are "High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people"?
GP was not trying to be racist, such a concept does exist: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_c...