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How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

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Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#91

Post by partyboat1586 »

ritchiea wrote: post #74
Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

What's wrong with being kind and speaking to people with respect while you disagree with them? One of the big problems with the "politically incorrect" or "radical free speech" crowd is that your words can hurt people's feeling. And your tone can hurt people's feelings. And there's no good reason to tell someone "fuck off" when you can politely say no other than maybe you have things you're angry about that you haven…

The

>"radical free speech" crowd

understands hurting other people's feelings, they just don't believe anyone should be compelled by law not to hurt someone else's feelings.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#93

Post by Longhanks »

ritchiea wrote: post #82
bananaface wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What makes it difficult is the fact that people respond like this. What did he say that you even disagreed with? He has an "anger issue"? wtf.

So just to be clear, it makes it hard for him to be polite because if he complains about doing a minimal amount of work to not be rude, I say something?

It’s really ironic that the very argument you’re trying to provoke is what makes discussing with people like you hard.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#94

Post by raziel2p »

qz2 wrote: post #44
thelightthat wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Interesting. Could you give an example of rephrasing and being tricky/evasive?

My wife is a fine example: Problem: coffee machine not working. Her representation of the problem: we need to buy a new coffee machine. Really what’s going on: coffee machine needs cleaning properly but it doesn’t match the rest of the stuff in the kitchen now. Edit: I'm sure this analogy probably works better for the folk downvoting when you look at it in terms of computation. Perhaps I should have write "the develo…

There are 2 problems: The coffee machine doesn't work, AND it doesn't match the kitchen. Possibly 3, the machine is high maintenance. In your comment, you neglected 2 of those problems.

Yes, there's a bug in the production services, but maybe it's a nightmare to maintain and there are more and more bugs creeping in and a microservice might help make it more stable - and maybe the developers want more experience with new tech to grow professionally as well.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#95

Post by partyboat1586 »

Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

>Many times, no is a polite way to say f-you.

Sometimes, not many times. If you interpret the majority of No's as f-u's then that's on you.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#96

Post by partyboat1586 »

GistNoesis wrote: post #40

Often it's closely related to miscommunication between High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people. A people pleaser usually is from the high context, and implicitly by accepting to help there is an expectation that the person asking is at least just not merely exploiting them for personal gain and at least aiming to increase the collective value. Once you have identified what type of culture someone t…

What are "High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people"?

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#97

Post by partyboat1586 »

royletron wrote: post #42

I see it very often that people who say 'yes' = good people, and people who say 'no' = bad peoples. I've certainly worked in places where turning down drinks after hours isolates you socially. I have also worked in places where those that say 'yes', typically are quite insufferable. I think for many years I have tried to be a 'yes' person but undercover. For example if I agree to drinks and I am aware there is anothe…

It doesn't make you a bad person it makes you a good leader. You anticipated a bad social situation and smoothly avoided it making things better for everyone.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#98

Post by berdario »

cheschire wrote: post #88
closeparen wrote: post #29

My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is nothing compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared expe…

What has your recent experience been as these opportunities arise in the face of COVID? How does the potential for danger in even mundane social gatherings affect your decision now? In the last 18 months I came to the same conclusion as you and started socializing more, but then COVID happened and then quarantine and while the rest of my office rushes back to doing team lunches and whatnot, I find myself hesitating.…

I wish there were actually opportunities in my life.

My office is still closed, I tried to have a reunion with university mates in my home country (I always meet them when I travel back to my birthplace), but 3 out of 4 of them bailed out.

I tried to reach out to other friends, but (except one or two) they are also opting out of meeting anyone for the foreseeable future.

I'd obviously try to play it safe: meet the others at a distance, wearing masks, etc.

It seems that most people who are shying away from meeting friends are those who cohabitate, which makes it even more frustrating to those of us who aren't :/

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#99

Post by watwut »

closeparen wrote: post #29

My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is nothing compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared expe…

I used to do this. But it lead to one sided relationships where I was not equal party. I liked people more then they liked me and while I would say yes for sake of relationship, the favor was rarely returned. These relationships were contingent on me being passive and having no preference.

I was liked, but did not had real friends (as I found out later).

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#100

Post by dxdm »

GistNoesis wrote: post #40

Often it's closely related to miscommunication between High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people. A people pleaser usually is from the high context, and implicitly by accepting to help there is an expectation that the person asking is at least just not merely exploiting them for personal gain and at least aiming to increase the collective value. Once you have identified what type of culture someone t…

I've never heard of the concept of high/low context culture. Are there any good links to explain what is meant by that?
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