Hard agree.
You don't describe the business problem, but go into incredible detail about technical details that either nobody reading the email[1] cares about.
Even more than that - you're basically asking them to run random bash commands from the internet.
They shouldn't trust your advice, anything you say would have to be verified by their own team, so the level of technical info is useless to them. In fact, including all the technobabble mnakes it look even more like a scam.
Remember, not that long ago it was a common scam to ask employees to make changes to the phone system, which would give the scammer free international calls. Your email is idenitical[2] to one of those scams.
A better email would be (and this isn't perfect):
"Hello,
I am a recent customer of yours and noticed that all your confirmation emails aren't being sent properly and won't be delivered at all for most users.
I'm a sysadmin, so had a look at the the problem using public data, and it looks like your tech team overlooked a setting when they set up your email system. Its a easy mistake to make and would take them 5 minutes to fix.
The technical details are that there is an "SPF" record which says who is allowed to send emails as your company - this is correctly set up for your office emails through outlook, but not set up for the automated emails from shopify.
If you let your tech team know that shopify is missing from the SPF records, and they'll quickly see the issue and fix it within minutes.
If you would like more information about the issue, I'd be happy to advise further[3]"
[1] The people who do care won't see your email.
[2] To the untrained user.
[3] I mean, I wouldn't, but you seem like you would ;)