Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows • Hacker News Board

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#281

Post by Grimm1 » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

bradlys wrote: post #214

Grimm1 wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm a high earner in tech like I imagine many people on the forum, and also like many people on the forum my life is super busy. My last relationship ended really badly took like two years to get over it and then I was suddenly really busy and I've kept being really busy as my titles have changed and my personal interest in starting my own business has increased etc etc and now we're in a pandemic. I'd argue that the…

The amount of men in your position is much lower than you are thinking. You're in a bubble. The US male populace has maybe 10% of people in similar roles such as yourself. Not many men earn $100k+/yr - period. Most who do are well past 30. If you're in FAANG making $300k+, then you're part of the 1% of /all/ men (not just men at your age). Are you going to say that the top 10% of earners overrepresent the amount of p…

Oh for sure I recognize my position is a minority, and no that's not what I'm arguing. Even people making much less than I do typically have goals they want to meet though and I wonder how many young guys in general are burning away at their goals at the expense of their time for physical non-commital encounters. Especially and not in-spite of the fact its very tough to get by in general right now.

Edit: And earning a lot doesn't entirely correlate with how hard you work, I agree. I learned selling yourself the right way makes it a lot easier. Which is why for people outside of my bubble as you put it I imagine they are grinding even more.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#282

Post by cmdshiftf4 » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

This is one aspect of my belief that Western society, especially that in North America, is crumbling before our very eyes and yet with each piece that hits the ground, instead of seeing concern we're hearing "PROGRESS!".

As part of a couple now considering bringing children into the world, the absolute shitshow that I predict the West to be constantly embroiled in 20 years from now when they would be adults is something that's weighing heavily on my mind.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#283

Post by doc_gunthrop » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

cortesoft wrote: post #196

csharptwdec19 wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It is these men who are having all the sex. Seems like a powder keg over time as the excluded men become bitter and forced to postpone getting married and starting a family. I believe many of these men will eventually find someone once enough of the women who are now rejecting them face biological realities and are forced to settle if they want to have children. Yep. The problems will be generational. On one hand y…

> any relationship they find will be tainted by knowing they weren't good enough to party with but good enough to marry. I am confused by this.... I would feel much better about myself knowing I was the one good enough to marry rather than the one who was only good enough to party with.

Your premise is based on a fallacy.

The guy who is among the top 10% of men is the one who is good enough to party with AND good enough to marry. However, though this guy has a plethora of women at his disposal, he can only select one for marriage.

For the women who weren't chosen, their first choice guy is no longer an option, so they have to settle for a plan B (that is, a less desirable man).

So even if you were "good enough" to marry, you weren't first choice in that either.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#284

Post by tonystubblebine » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

starpilot wrote: post #225

tonystubblebine wrote: post #175

There are two coaching perspectives that I think are useful for single men. We don't have many dating coaches in the coaching community I run, but I've been in long conversations with coaches outside that community whose job it is to help men date. One perspective is that it's almost always faster to focus on being more interested rather than more interesting. That means focusing on status and alpha male activities i…

Or you can pretend to be a hot, high-status guy on Tinder and see how much easier life is for them. Spoiler: it's an entirely different world.

People should read @starpilot and ask themselves how much of their dating goals are about love and relationships and how much has nothing to do with women and everything to do with impressing other men.

I 100% agree that someone else has it better than you. Pick any facet of your life and this will be true. There's no practical value to focusing on your status among other men unless status is actually your goal for dating.

You're going to have to do X amount of work on yourself and on the process. That doesn't change just because some other guy has to do .25X.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#285

Post by celicaraptor » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

starpilot wrote: post #158

toomuchtodo wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some citations for your thesis below. To your last point, IMHO, you're going to continue to see a decline in the total fertility rate (US is roughly ~1.77 this year, lowest on record) as women shift from casual seeking in their 20s to relationship/nesting in their 30s and find the market for partners to be much smaller than they would've anticipated, while also nearing the end of natural fertility (fertility rates st…

Check out some of the women's dating subreddits. The magnitude of sexual activity reported there is staggering.

Care to share a link?

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#286

Post by inv13 » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

I surprised how the article or any of the comments did not address pornography. Having been given up on it years from now, so I can talk out of experience. The number and clarity of with which women kept and keep on signifying to me to have sex with them, or just they interested in me, are just crazy. Usually when I start a friendly chat, it takes 2 minutes without me trying anything to make them come closer to me and make em do their shit, whatever they do when they are into you and willing to show it to you. I don't want to go into story telling, because you can have your own research and read some other peoples experiences about this. Search for nofap in google.

There is of course a lot more to than just not doing something, but it is a really huge leap towards the correct road. (which is in this case getting more sex :))

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#287

Post by Nav_Panel » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

vsareto wrote: post #190

wutbrodo wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's not how it's worked out in any society where family formation has been limited for large numbers of young men. The research on the calming effect of family formation on young men is very straightforward: when a population of young men doesn't have the opportunity to form families, _they_ become the powder keg. It's true at multiple scales, from individual criminality to societal unrest.

So, "give us families, or we'll do crime and destabilize society"? Sounds like mental health problems are even more rampant than we guessed. We should probably handle that.

Remember that "mental health" is inseparable from "society", in that the categories of "mental illness" are constructed based on some idea of "normal within society" (to those who doubt this: how else could we go so quickly from "homosexuality is a disease" to "homosexuality is perfectly normal"? The values of society changed and the DSM changed to reflect that. This is simply the nature of "mental illness", there is no recourse to a more [although not completely] universal notion of biological health like with physical illness. Plenty of philosophers and psychologists like Thomas Szasz and Michel Foucault, himself a gay man, have written about this at length).

If society's "normal" (which tends to include a "healthy sex life" or at least a supportive social community) becomes impossible for many to achieve, the question for many is no longer "maybe something is wrong with me?" and becomes "maybe society is the problem?"

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#288

Post by Vysero » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:04 PM UTC

88840-8855 wrote: post #266

Vysero wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am not sure I can buy this. Most "hot" guys aren't going to sleep with ugly girls just because the can. Perhaps the OP's answer does not hinge upon that concept, but it certainly seems relevant. I think the issue is much more complex than this, and has far more to do with male insecurity than anything else.

My best female friend is ugly. She is writing to model-like guys on instagram, visiting them and is having sex with them. EVERY SINGLE TIME they never text her back, she still falls in love with them and is heart-broken for 2-3 weeks. This has become already pathological. She has done therapy and still falls into depression again. The only thing she can do: find hot 10/10 model guys that jet around the world for thei…

Perhaps it's just me then. I have standards when it comes to looks, body type and economic/intellectual factors.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#289

Post by watwut » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:05 PM UTC

ravenstine wrote: post #207

tenebrisalietum wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> getting married and starting a family This assumes people really want to do that. Children are too expensive unless you have a lot of resources already. I think if costs of basic living keep increasing the future is increasingly childless for many people.

I'm 30, and I only know one person in my peer group whom owns a home, and he can only afford it because it's way out in the boonies. If people my age find things like home ownership out of reach, having children becomes a roadblock and therefore becomes undesirable.

Having home should not be requirement for having children. You quite literally don't need it.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#290

Post by onetimemanytime » Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 8:05 PM UTC

tharne wrote: post #12

They buried the lede here. > Sexual activity was largely unchanged among unmarried women, along with no notable decline among gay men, researchers reported. Basically sex is following the pattern of wealth. Men as a group aren't having less sex, instead there's a winner take all effect where a small number of men are having a lot of sex with a lot of women while a large number of men are having little to no sex. It'l…

>>Men as a group aren't having less sex, instead there's a winner take all effect where a small number of men are having a lot of sex with a lot of women while a large number of men are having little to no sex.

Isn't this normal? Males in the animal world fight to death for the right to pass down their genes.

Women don't care about all men getting sex...everyone wants the "best" possible mate for themselves to have sex and/or kids.