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Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

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Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#81

Post by diehunde »

loxists_locusts wrote: post #65
BLKNSLVR wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very difficult to see the other side of the fence. It's nigh-on impossible to see what parent-life is like for someone without kids given how hard it is for parents to picture life without them even having lived it for a number of years. That feeling of having a child is impossible to impart to someone without. The vileness of the question is directly resultant from that fundamental intrinsic change that comes f…

It seems to be a recent cultural development though. It wasn't that long ago that a man or woman would not be seen to have truly come of age until having a family of their own, or at least marriage. Tune into any popular media today though and it's all bumbling dad and overworked mum tropes demonizing healthy happy families while our rates of depression and mental illness soar. Funny, that. While the pro-family minds…

> It wasn't that long ago that a man or woman would not be seen to have truly come of age until having a family of their own, or at least marriage

Many views in society were different not that long ago. You can't just cherry pick the changes and say some were good or bad without rational arguments. People have more options these days, and there's no rational argument for wanting kids. It's just a biological instinct that just like many others (polygamy, violence) can be avoided because it doesn't make sense in our current times.

Also, many people see as a taboo to acknowledge that having kids destroyed dreams or leaves them without the energy to do things they would like to do, so you only hear stories about how amazing it is.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#82

Post by [deleted] »

cdubzzz wrote: post #54
basseq wrote: post #12

Kids—I have 3—reinforce attributes that should be valuable in the workforce. * I ruthlessly prioritize — you have to when you're balancing a family. * I don't dwell on mistakes – milk, quite literally, is spilled on a daily basis. * I'm a better manager – kids teach you to be clear and immediate in your feedback, not to mention more empathetic * I speak better – reading bedtime stories means you practice public speak…

Beautifully said. I have two little ones, one came a few months ago with my current employer and I took a month of parental leave with no ill effects whatsoever. My manager and organization is incredibly respectful of my time and priorities, even more so now with the pandemic situation.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#83

Post by [deleted] »

pricees wrote: post #69
jennyyang wrote: post #8

Yes, 100% completely. Once I had my kids, I was never as productive as I was pre-kids. But it was completely worth it.

Likewise. My perspective on life completely changed. I am not even sure i was more productive. I certainly had more me time, coding, reading, working out. But time with my kids is beyond rewarding. I still need an income, but my image, ego, and self worth is not attached to my job or validation from my peers....now its attached to my 2 year olds whims and my ability to change a dirty diaper in 30 seconds. Flat.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#84

Post by godot »

basseq wrote: post #12

Kids—I have 3—reinforce attributes that should be valuable in the workforce. * I ruthlessly prioritize — you have to when you're balancing a family. * I don't dwell on mistakes – milk, quite literally, is spilled on a daily basis. * I'm a better manager – kids teach you to be clear and immediate in your feedback, not to mention more empathetic * I speak better – reading bedtime stories means you practice public speak…

Thank you for this post -- this is one of the best, most succinct, accurate commentary on parenting + work life I've read. This echoes my experience as a parent of a 2-year-old now, as someone who had been quite career-focused all my life before that; and it also serves as a good reminder of traits I should continue to strive to have.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#85

Post by stevekemp »

swalberg wrote: post #25

"watch the kid" -- I think you spelled "be a parent" wrong. I don't know where you are in your career, or what your expectation is of a career, but there are lots of companies out there where you can do interesting things, be well paid, and have time to balance your work and family life. You just need to look for it just like you were looking for a higher salary, more responsibility, or even use of a particular techn…

The last time I had a face to face interview I actually brought my child with me. Apparently in Finland that is, if not common, at least acceptible.

(I'd quit a previous job specifically because I wanted to be a stay at home parent, but then time passed and I had to make the decision to work again.)

Later I heard the way I'd treated him in the interview was a positive thing that helped me in the interview, though to this day I can't recall what I did with him except "Please be a little quiet now, Daddy needs to talk .."

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#86

Post by ntnlabs »

I was a long time soldier with many kids and it ended up my wife (sort of) asking me to choose between work and family. My opinion: if Your work is anything dependable, You have to neglect family to be good at work. If Your job is anything regular, "family and career" can be done really nice.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#87

Post by pacomerh »

in my case being a parent has made me waste less time and prioritize with more responsibility. Also remember having lots of time doesn't equal productivity all the time (think about parkinsons law, work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion"). You can have shorter periods of "available" time throughout the day but if they're well used you can be very productive. I have a couple of friends who have 3 and 4 kids and they're more productive than I am. How does that happen?, I think the important trick is how you use your time

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#88

Post by ojame »

fmakunbound wrote: post #66

For those that had kids and said it was completely worth it, could you elaborate?

I'm not sure what 'worth it' means, as to me there's no trade off that would make it 'not worth it'. But to answer why do I enjoy having kids and why do I enjoy being a parent (2yo and 4yo, third on the way):

- I've never felt this much purpose before. It's hard to remember what drive I had four years ago, or what motivated many aspects of my life. Now I live to be a dad and I go to work to provide for my family.

- I've learned heaps. Kids growing up is not a one-way street when it comes to education, you learn too. You learn how to communicate, deal with frustrations, be content and be patient. You learn how to do a lot more, too, but those are the main ones that come to mind.

- I understand what love is, to me. I love my wife - often I refer to it as 'love at first sight' over ten years ago, and nothing has changed. But the love I have for my kids is different, it feels entirely unconditional and raw. It's a feeling I never had before kids, and it sure is sweet.

- My kids are so much fun. Yeah, it's hard work, but there's not a day that goes by where I don't have lots of fun, and lots of smiles. I wake up next to my kids every day and it's an absolute joy.

- Getting context is easy. I look at my kids and i instantly know what life is. I have a hard choice, and kids make it easier, because I've learned what it is to be less selfish.

- Getting more out of life. Life was fun and filling before I had kids, sure - but now, daily, I get more out of my life. Often I'll give a mate a buzz at 7:30am on a Saturday morning and find out I've woken them up - not because I'm rude, but because I'm already 1 - 1.5hrs into my day and I forget what 'early' is. And then I get perspective, and think 'damn, I would have hated to sleep those hours away and not of experienced banana pancakes with the kids'.

That's entirely subjective and not exhaustive, but yeah, it's rad.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#90

Post by roboyoshi »

derekp7 wrote: post #18

In my experience, once I moved in with someone that had kids and I started talking about family at work, it seamed like I got bigger raises and better promotions. Whereas pre-family, I was seen as "just a kid, a smart one, but still just a kid". After I was treated as an adult.

I partially felt the same, but you also go into negotiations with a lot more knowledge about life cost. Kids cost money. Daycare costs money. A car costs money. And you suddenly realize that your paycheck needs to cover a lot more than what it had to before. I felt much more comfortable asking for a higher salary, just because I knew I had a family to feed and not just me.
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