Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

Yes, kids take time. Lots of time. So if you believe that more time at a work is better, and that it's a zero-sum game (i.e., time with children will take away from time at work), then yes, having children will be bad for your career.

But there's a ton wrong with that thinking.

First: Exercise takes time away from work. Vacations take time away from work. Sleeping takes time away from work. And yet, even the most die-hard workers realize that they have to exercise, take vacations, and sleep. And that doing so makes them better people, healthier and more well-adjusted. And even better able to do their jobs.

I can't speak for everyone, but I've found that my children -- now 19, 17, and 14 -- have not been distractions from work, but complements to it. They have helped me to find insights, to understand myself and the world, and to generally be a better person.

Second: It's possible to make lots of money and have a great career with children. It's also possible to do so without children. So it's not an either/or situation. Yes, you'll have to prioritize. Yes, you'll be frustrated sometimes that you can't finish a work project because the kids need you. But it also gives you some perspective, understanding that even if your project is delayed by a day, that's OK.

Third: There's no doubt that children can be maddening, frustrating, and time consuming. Especially when they're young, they demand lots of attention. But in my case, all of that frustration was easily counterbalanced by the joy, excitement, and fulfillment that comes from having children, speaking with them, and learning from them.

Finally: If your job means that you have to dedicate yourself to it, to the exclusion of everything else, is that really a job you want? If your company doesn't encourage you to take time with your family, or for yourself, what sorts of people are working there, and do you really want to be working there?

I don't know if I would be a worse consultant, trainer, and developer without my children. I would be a different one, though. And given how happy and successful I am now in my personal and work lives, I wouldn't want to be that other person.

It's very difficult to see the other side of the fence. It's nigh-on impossible to see what parent-life is like for someone without kids given how hard it is for parents to picture life without them even having lived it for a number of years.

That feeling of having a child is impossible to impart to someone without. The vileness of the question is directly resultant from that fundamental intrinsic change that comes from being a parent, and the inability to predict it from the other side.

If a manager told you that parental leave means lower rating, that's a clear signal the company doesn't value families.

With everything that is involved in growing a kid (teaching, empathy, learn to talk in the most simple and direct way), I would be surprised if you are not actually improving. All those interpersonal skills are growing, they might not match directly to your job (e.g. Coding), but will make you a lot more valuable. I am father of a 2 years old and my mentoring skills increased dramatically since I got her.

If what you said it's true, that rating is worthless. How can be a top 20 if you get a lower rating just for taking parental leave?

That's awful. Whoever had a kid can tell you how hard is the first month. And if all goes well, the first month is hard. If you have even a little hiccup, the first month is SLEEPLESS.

Sorry, I don't have any specific places to recommend since it's going to be very regional and vertical specific. I don't know those two particular pieces of software, but try to sell yourself less as a "neoxam expert" and more "expert in solving the business problem that Neoxam does", and focus on your accomplishments there.

I have a dim view of any "best place to work" rankings ever since I worked at one and realized that people generally pay to be on those and the numbers are juiced when HR sends emails out suggesting everyone give the company a glowing review.

And don't forget to enjoy parenthood. There are hard times, and there are great times (often concurrently). You've got a limited amount of time to enjoy the experience and to guide them to be the people this world needs. Good luck!