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Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

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Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#11

Post by jkoudys »

I'm the CTO of a small company (about a dozen people), and I don't know that my career has been hurt, but I've certainly had to reprioritize. Doing dev work, where the occasional task can take 30m to 30h, and you have to be focused for hours on end, is less practical when you have to rush out for daycare pickup, have a toddler jumping on you, or try to work during nap time which often ends earlier than you'd like. Consequently I find myself doing a lot more business development, product planning and people management. I still write some code, even if it's often more efficient to delegate. I like to keep my skills up to date and to not become slowly ignorant of my own company (a problem I've seen plenty of times before).

One way it's helped, is it's a really easy topic to bring up with clients or on sales calls. It makes me more relatable, and gives a good first impression since people assume I'm at least competent enough to provide basic care to a child.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#12

Post by basseq »

Kids—I have 3—reinforce attributes that should be valuable in the workforce.

* I ruthlessly prioritize — you have to when you're balancing a family.

* I don't dwell on mistakes – milk, quite literally, is spilled on a daily basis.

* I'm a better manager – kids teach you to be clear and immediate in your feedback, not to mention more empathetic

* I speak better – reading bedtime stories means you practice public speaking every night

A company that measures performance in hours or dedication will not reward those attributes. But the good ones will happily give you flexibility in exchange for good work.

If you're struggling to find a balance, know first that you're not alone. But recognize quickly that your employment environment may be incompatible with family life, and so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#14

Post by johnny313 »

In my experience, you have to be more proactive in marketing yourself and your work. I have worked from home for seven years, picking up my three kids every day at 3pm.

It feels like you are always falling behind. But overall, I have found myself doing okay relative to my peers, while cultivating a solid family schedule and focus. Everyone is different, but the times I have lost out in office politics are far outweighed by the other things in my life.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#15

Post by xrd »

basseq wrote: post #12

Kids—I have 3—reinforce attributes that should be valuable in the workforce. * I ruthlessly prioritize — you have to when you're balancing a family. * I don't dwell on mistakes – milk, quite literally, is spilled on a daily basis. * I'm a better manager – kids teach you to be clear and immediate in your feedback, not to mention more empathetic * I speak better – reading bedtime stories means you practice public speak…

I'm going to print this out. Really well said.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#16

Post by yojo »

Being a parent helps build a skill set that can help you level up your career - if your employer values them. It can also make you less interested in that advancement. My own anecdote:

I have two kids (3 and 1). I’ve experienced a bit of a leap in soft skills; empathy, mentorship, and patience, to name a few. This has corresponded with me taking on many more leadership responsibilities in my team, and being recognized as a go-to thought partner and interestingly as an authority on technical matters.

I took 6 months of parental leave for the second child (I know, incredibly generous). I came back and received an “exceeds expectations rating”.

I have colleagues who are also parents. Several of them are “staff engineers”, the highest level of recognition at our company.

On the other hand, I turned down a promotion as I felt I’m already giving all I have time for/didn’t have bandwidth for the extra responsibilities. I’m happy with my current compensation and responsibility set, especially as it allows me to spend time with my family.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#17

Post by analog31 »

At the places where I worked, the people who pushed and shoved to get into the higher paying jobs, or changed jobs for more money, without exception, all had kids. So there's a tradeoff. You will have less spare time, but possibly more economic motivation and career focus. But you might have to find a job where you are not measured by hours in front of a screen. That might ultimately be a good thing anyway.

I have been promoted regularly since becoming a parent.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#18

Post by derekp7 »

In my experience, once I moved in with someone that had kids and I started talking about family at work, it seamed like I got bigger raises and better promotions. Whereas pre-family, I was seen as "just a kid, a smart one, but still just a kid". After I was treated as an adult.

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#19

Post by NDizzle »

No. Well... no. My first kid was born in 2006. I left a big 4 accounting firm after an acquisition in '10. Tried to do a start up with a friend... Health food delivery in Oakland in 2010, without any connection to any of the big VCs. Failed. Second kid was born the fall of '10, third in Winter '13.

Looking at raw income numbers, I was making 85k in '06, 75k in '10 (had to find a job quickly after the startup failed - insurance needed for the child birth!) and around 95k in '13. I'm making around 280k right now, so I think I'm on track regardless of having kids or not. A key to my income is that once I stopped working in an office and got rid of my ~75 minute one way commute, I started a part time job, remote software development. That was project based, not raw hours, and since then my primary job has also changed to project based, not raw hours. I'm not killing myself each week like a lot of stories I hear. On a real busy week I'll do about 50 to 55 hours.

Now, another measure to consider, I have coached little league for about 5 years, travel softball for 2.5. My busiest season was fall '19 where I coached little league, ran the LL skill building clinic, head coached a travel team (10u) and assistant coached my older daughters 14u team.

I'm starting jiu-jitsu next week with my son. I've reduced the amount of coaching down to just two teams total. No head coaching.

My advice: prolab caffeine pills!

Re: Ask HN: Do kids drag your career down?

#20

Post by alpb »

I work at Google and usually taking parental leave or even simple paid time-off are not supposed to be penalized. Come performance review season, if you've been absent for 4 out of 6 months in that review cycle, you are usually prorated and evaluated for the 2 months you’ve been around as if that work has sustained for the whole cycle. How much of this we can prove (that it doesn't impact ratings or promotions)? Probably not a lot. You’ll find that no company is willing to share that data to save their bacon.
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