For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity • Hacker News Board

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#21

Post by xenihn » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:09 PM UTC

buzzkillington wrote: post #8

JonAtkinson wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is a pretty flippant comparison. I’m the trustee of a regional women’s shelter; we run a small building of 8 apartments which we offer to women and children as short-medium term refuges at no cost. The people who arrive with us are experiencing trauma past breaking point (often abuse is normalised and needs to be significantly escalated until someone is willing to take flight), with symptoms of PTSD, depression,…

When do you think there will be shelters for the victims of domestic abuse from women? I had a a friend bullied to suicide by their mother but there was just no support for someone who wasn't physically abused by a man in the 00s.

Did the person you're replying to edit their post? If not, you should consider that lesbian relationships can be abusive.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#22

Post by tw04 » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:10 PM UTC

jasondclinton wrote: post #10

duxup wrote: post #3

I feel like this is a valid concern, but really when it comes to abusive relationships ... a lockdown isn't the problem / aggravating circumstance /etc. I worked with kids who came from abusive / were in abusive families. The volume of abused partners who willingly stayed with the abuser was astonishingly high. They would even follow an abuser from one town to the next, even with services and options to not do so ava…

This is the most HN comment I've seen in a week. You tried not to blame the victim and acknowledge poverty is the trap but then came off as doing that in the context of personal responsibility shaming. Poverty or the fear of poverty is the real decision maker here; the math is as unforgiving as orbital mechanics. And please don't reply, "But there are programs!" Governments and NGOs convince voters and donors that th…

I'm sorry but this is a pot/kettle situation. What's more HN than pointing out that all of the things society is doing to fix the problem are useless? Then not actually providing a single solution to what you claim is a horrible problem. Having had a relative go through one of the programs you mentioned above successfully - on top of having friends who work for the institutions you claim are setup to do everything BUT help - I consider your response more offensive than his.

Do you have some hard examples of "it's impossible to get any help from these programs" or are you just another "government is inefficient and useless, we need to eliminate it" libertarians?

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#23

Post by Zenst » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:14 PM UTC

topbanana wrote: post #14

Zenst wrote: post #7

I'm Stuck in a flat above heroin/crack abusers, they have dealers in all the time, abuse the victim card and keep getting away with it. Police, council.... all just victimhood them and dispite over years and years of having hard evidence, they just ignore it. Equally the partner of the women had a business, working and she got him hooked on the stuff, she's abusive, killing him and nobody over the years seems to care…

You need to get the hell out of there. It can't be good for your mental health

Tried, even have psychiatric report stating as much and yet those who are supposed to help have failed me. Tried everything and nothing.

But it's not just me, I have some good neibours who are less able to defend themselves and even if I moved, somebod else would suffer, let alone my good neibours and if I move, they would get worse downstairs.

Only way is to see justice done and then move, though believe me I've tried, been messed around, and I'd articulate the horrors and failings but only so much can empart at a time as it causes me great stress reliving it.

I'm already a lost cause, I just need to make sure others don't suffer, that's the only thing that keeps me alive.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#24

Post by empath75 » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:16 PM UTC

OrangeMango wrote: post #15

Where I am, the second paragraph of the executive order establishing the "lockdown" explicitly states that victims of domestic violence are exempt and are urged to leave for a safer location. It makes clear further in the order that services provided are considered essential and should remain open and that transportation is also essential and should remain available. The news media simply does a terrible job of commu…

My wife works with domestic violence victims. It's extraordinarily difficult to get victims of domestic violence to leave their abusers even in the best of times. There's also not a lot of shelters available for women to stay in for long periods of time.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#25

Post by sdffdsfdsfsddsf » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:16 PM UTC

Afaik the UK is protestant because hundreds of years ago, some king wanted to divorce his wife and catholic faith wouldn't have allowed him to.

Just saying: the option for divorce has existed for a long time now.

How can a woman describe to a journalist how abusive her partner is, and not split up or get a divorce?

In most countries there is also some kind of social security, so women are not financially dependent on their partners anymore, either (not to mention the option to work themselves).

So what are we to make of such articles? Internalize more hatred of men? Go round knocking on doors, asking women "excuse me, should I beat up your husband"?

Maybe there are reasons that prevent women from leaving (and let's not forget many men are victims of domestic abuse, too). Then those reasons should be addressed. Those sob stories on "women have it so bad" don't do anybody any good.

And also, personal responsibility is a theme here. You are responsible for choosing your partner, and also for splitting if the partner turns out to be abusive.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#26

Post by mnky9800n » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:17 PM UTC

Zenst wrote: post #23

topbanana wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You need to get the hell out of there. It can't be good for your mental health

Tried, even have psychiatric report stating as much and yet those who are supposed to help have failed me. Tried everything and nothing. But it's not just me, I have some good neibours who are less able to defend themselves and even if I moved, somebod else would suffer, let alone my good neibours and if I move, they would get worse downstairs. Only way is to see justice done and then move, though believe me I've tri…

Dude just move.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#27

Post by lmkg » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:20 PM UTC

OrangeMango wrote: post #15

Where I am, the second paragraph of the executive order establishing the "lockdown" explicitly states that victims of domestic violence are exempt and are urged to leave for a safer location. It makes clear further in the order that services provided are considered essential and should remain open and that transportation is also essential and should remain available. The news media simply does a terrible job of commu…

Which do you think matters more to a person in an abusive situation?

A. Paragraph two of some legal document somewhere

B. "If you leave the house, I'll call the cops and tell them you're breaking quarantine, and then you'll go to jail and I'll be the only person who can get you out."

I don't disagree with your last paragraph: There are other related issues and maybe some of them are worse. But how this actually plays out in an abusive situation is a fair bit removed from what the executive order says.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#28

Post by amelius » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:22 PM UTC

wolco wrote: post #16

Zenst wrote: post #7

I'm Stuck in a flat above heroin/crack abusers, they have dealers in all the time, abuse the victim card and keep getting away with it. Police, council.... all just victimhood them and dispite over years and years of having hard evidence, they just ignore it. Equally the partner of the women had a business, working and she got him hooked on the stuff, she's abusive, killing him and nobody over the years seems to care…

Hmm, lets see. You could go the opposite way. Advertise for them everywhere. Put up signs for cheap stuff in other turfs. Let the free market work. Now is the problem the people below or where you live? Getting rid of thek might bring someone worse. Sounds like you have grown out of the area.

Putting up signs is not so simple with CCTV everywhere.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#29

Post by Zenst » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:24 PM UTC

wolco wrote: post #16

Zenst wrote: post #7

I'm Stuck in a flat above heroin/crack abusers, they have dealers in all the time, abuse the victim card and keep getting away with it. Police, council.... all just victimhood them and dispite over years and years of having hard evidence, they just ignore it. Equally the partner of the women had a business, working and she got him hooked on the stuff, she's abusive, killing him and nobody over the years seems to care…

Hmm, lets see. You could go the opposite way. Advertise for them everywhere. Put up signs for cheap stuff in other turfs. Let the free market work. Now is the problem the people below or where you live? Getting rid of thek might bring someone worse. Sounds like you have grown out of the area.

You know what, I cna garantee if I did that, I would be the one arrested and in jail and they would get away with it, making out it was me.

For example, had issue few years back for noise, they came out attacked me, then called police and made out I attacked them. They have also made many false reports to the polcie and they quickly come out to them. Yet if I report them, even case of when they had guns and kelos in the place - they ignored me and only came out when I said I'd kill myself if they don't do anything, too which they still did nothing about them and even talking to the officers, they were aware of what they are like and yet stil did nothing and all i got was platitude. It really is most shocking.

I said I would setup a recording system that would record their activities and I one of the officers said we would love that, yet even after doing that with many recordings, none of them care and I've even played recordings to police and what did they do. Yes, told the local officers who in turn told the dealers and you can guess how that worked out.

I even have email proof of officer admitting they `accidently` put a note thru their door with my details, I kid you not and what did they do - well they said sorry and if I had a penny for every sorry I've had over the years, I'd be very rich.

It really is beyond belief and the police today in the UK and frankly not police but social workers who care more about being seen to do their job over it and any good officers been driven out the force and that's not just my opinion, it's a large proportion of many ex officers.

Look at the replies from ex-officer in this tweet: https://twitter.com/metpoliceuk/status/1243493123155689472

it's just not even the icing on the cake.

Sorry I need to step away form this now for my own health and will be back later once I stop shaking.

Re: For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity

#30

Post by ceejayoz » Mon, Mar 30, 2020, 3:25 PM UTC

buzzkillington wrote: post #18

JonAtkinson wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are. Awareness is growing and all organisations which are serious will have a plan in place and facilities available. Should someone present at almost any shelter now their case will be assessed on whether violence occurred rather than gender. My organisation is in the UK, so I can’t speak for elsewhere. I’m sorry to hear about your friend, and for your loss. DV is truly horrible in all circumstances, and the e…

>Should someone present at almost any shelter now their case will be assessed on whether violence occurred rather than gender. Domestic abuse does not begin and end with violence. My friend was never physically hurt, yet he was still tortured enough to kill himself.

Verbal/emotional abuse is still a form of violence.

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

> Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation.