I recently started a new job (web developer). One of the other coworkers is passive-aggressive and judgmental. Someone broke production today and he left several comments in Slack that seem intended to make this person feel bad. His comments are usually just tame enough not to be obviously abusive but hurt nonetheless. He frequently leaves the thumbs-down emoji as a comment on a PR (with no explanation or suggested improvement) and tells people that decisions they've made "don't make sense" or are "weird". Leadership doesn't seem bothered by it and even invite him to "do his worst" when leaving comments on a PR. I've only been here a few months and I'm completely sick of it. I come home wiped out whenever I have a bad interaction with this person, which is several times a week. I would like to quit but I don't have another job opportunity. How would you deal with this person? Just ignore them? Call them out when they are being passive aggressive? I've tried to feel out my manager about the situation and he seems mildly unconcerned. It feels like there's a lot of potential for me to be labeled "too sensitive" or "not a good fit".
Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
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Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#2Is it possible to deliver the feedback to your manager and then ask to reduce interaction? (e.g. avoid working on the same projects, etc).
That's how I'd try to approach it if the person seems like they can't be reasoned with.
If the person seems like they can be reasoned with, then I'll just go have a conversation with them and give them the feedback directly. If that fails, then I'd fall back to trying to distance myself from the impact as much as possible while delivering the feedback to people that can potentially help make the situation better.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#3This is a phenomenal read for dealing with toxic people in the workforce and all areas of life.
Taming Toxic People, By David Gillespie
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#4First, I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. The good news is that you are going to learn some new skills and grow from this challenge.
I’d try to respond to PR comments/ talk or slack directly with the person and ask them to elaborate whenever they leave these negative ambiguous comments. You can even preface it with some humility - “I’m struggling to understand your point, could you restate this in another way for me?” You can keep going down this, and if they are just being catty, disrespectful, etc, you can potentially ask other developers to way in with their opinions, to help come to some consensus.
As for the mocking regarding production going down, I’d counter if possible in the thread acknowledging that even the most experienced developers write bugs, and this speaks to a system problem, not an individual developers fault. I’d try to remove blame from the individual.
Finally, I’d recommend trying if at all possible to get a little distance from the situation, whatever the comment is, etc that is bothering you. By that I mean trying to not let it get under your skin by focusing on your task at hand despite the negativity (be extra positive instead), maintaining identity outside of work and allowing yourself some self confidence in your skills and yourself.
Remember: a) this person might be or act like an asshole (maybe they are just really insecure? Who knows? Doesn’t matter?) b) management is complicit c) you maybe able to change behavior but may not d) you may not be able to control your understandable and appropriate emotional response to the person now, but if you practice mindfulness (pausing and keeping perspective), you maybe able to mediate your response and feel better about the situation.
Good luck! I’m feeling for ya!
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#5If you have to ask, it's usually best not to confront them directly. People who act this way are ready, even eager to get into a fight. Sort of like fighting a bigger person, you want to disarm them.
A standard tactic is to be genuinely nice to them. You don't have to like them, but being polite makes them look worse when they are not. You can even be generous to them. This might actually give you some insight to why he acts that way. I've had issues with some coworkers who insecure in a job they badly needed, or some who have a grudge against someone else in the team for a good reason.
If you do fight back, make sure you can land a solid hit. Argue when you're clear that you're right, and make them explain where they think you're wrong. A solid hit will discourage them next time.
The trick with office politics is that you also need more people on your side. Be friends with the people he's picking on. It sounds like you're isolated. Wolves avoid herds.
If all else fails, learn to be unbothered like your managers have. Sometimes you have to treat them like children, which is to smile and nod as they tantrum. Sometimes you treat them like an environmental hazard, like a puddle of urine in the bathroom where it's not your job to clean after.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#6"tells people that decisions they've made "don't make sense" or are "weird""
Just thinking about this, this guy is so dumb that he cannot understand what others are saying. Think like that.
One thing what I see is that people spill shit all over the place are just people who are being filling & drowned in shit. What is you see is just the after effect of shit drowning him.
Why get excited by a "thumps up" & feel bad by a "thumps down"? Someone appreciating or disapproving is just based on their perception. Its not the final judgement. There are many variable factors effecting a person. Just because some shit happened to someone and that person just vented on you. Why ruin your day based on that? Let it go. Be like a lotus, surrounded by shit but no shit sticked on the lotus.
FYI: I know I haven't conveyed myself in the best way possible, but I am doing my best (this makes perfect sense in my head). Well, I dont have "the best of words - everyone knows it". hehe.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#7First, I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. The good news is that you are going to learn some new skills and grow from this challenge. I’d try to respond to PR comments/ talk or slack directly with the person and ask them to elaborate whenever they leave these negative ambiguous comments. You can even preface it with some humility - “I’m struggling to understand your point, could you restate this in ano…
You are just asking for it.
q: “I’m struggling to understand your point, could you restate this in another way for me?”
a: 'Your self declared lack of understanding coding standards and basic principles explains "quality" of code you keep submitting'
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#8Tell your manager. Wait four weeks for effect. You may ask for progress reports if there is no improvement. Leave.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#9Tell your manager. Wait four weeks for effect. You may ask for progress reports if there is no improvement. Leave.
> Tell your manager. Wait four weeks for effect. You may ask for progress reports if there is no improvement. Leave.
That's a fine plan, but a simpler one is just to leave. It's exceedingly rare that someone in a toxic work environment speaks with their manager and then everything becomes okay.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?
#10If you have to ask, it's usually best not to confront them directly. People who act this way are ready, even eager to get into a fight. Sort of like fighting a bigger person, you want to disarm them. A standard tactic is to be genuinely nice to them. You don't have to like them, but being polite makes them look worse when they are not. You can even be generous to them. This might actually give you some insight to why…
That's excellent advice.
Here's less reasonable advice that I've also found works well: bait toxic people into bad behavior.
Figure out what gets the biggest response out of them while looking super reasonable yourself. Try to get them fired up as much as possible so they're annoying everyone, especially their manager, and not just you. The more people angry with the toxic person, the shorter their lifespan.
Give them enough rope to hang themselves.
Trolling is a art.