ADHD, a Lifelong Struggle (2018)

Everything: Smart, but lazy every since I was a kid. Having to have a list when I am shopping, the endless and heartbreaking failed projects I desperately want to do and achieve but have been unable to do so. The reminders not working. I have to be going somewhere or doing something. 90% of the time I am just staring off into space and telling stories to myself, it has been this way ever since I was a kid. I slept through pretty much every single one of my classes. We would do reading around the classroom and I would always read ahead.

It causes a lot of friction with my SO. I can't go shopping with her because I HATE standing around waiting for her to select fruit and shop how she likes. I struggle to motivate myself to do the dishes and other household chores.

I have tried to organize my days but in the end the time falls away like water through my fingers. I have things I want to do, the time to do them, but I just... can't. I have piles of goals, plans, schedules, all of it falls to the wayside in day to day life. I read books on mindfulness and try to meditate, with some success.

I have been to many many therapists to try and MKULTRA myself into being more productive. I tell them all the same thing: I'm not depressed, I just want to achieve more of what I want out of life. It doesn't help. I am still just treading water.

I've been on ADHD medication before, and it is truly a miracle. I am a like a different person. I do extremely well as a programmer when I am on medication. Unfortunately, it is difficult to get, and I have to visit a doctor's office once a month to keep my prescription filled... honestly typing all this out makes me think I should go back on it though.

It is like my mind is screaming. My thoughts rush through me like a river and the things I actually want to do get swept along with everything else.

I crave dopamine. I work myself into a frenzy thinking about conflicts at work and between friends. I used to smoke cigarettes like a chimney. I smoke weed, I (used to) cut myself, I drink heavily. I hyper focus on comic books and video games and animation and novels.

I feel so much shame for all of these things I have never accomplished. I am ashamed I am not the person I should be.

One thing I have found is that truly mindless chores like dishes are great because I can let my mind wander and do whatever it wants. The chores that I struggle with are ones that require focus/attention/thinking. Stuff like organization, where I have to sit and think about where each thing goes, and arrange and rearrange, those are a nightmare.

> Unfortunately, it is difficult to get, and I have to visit a doctor's office once a month to keep my prescription filled

Not sure where you are but my psych used to make me come every month for a refill. I moved and before I found a new psych I had to make an appointment with a regular family doctor. She was more than willing to write my script and only asked me to come every three months. I think the key was that I had been on the same dose for years and was organized with all my medical history. But don't take it as a given that monthly appointments are required.

I'll admit, I skimmed it. But I bookmarked it!