I don’t want the struggle anymore. I could handle it when my nervous system was stable, when my ego mind had solidified logical pathways to bypass physical, and likely emotional, pain that had started when I was 4 or 5 years old - the full extent of which was masked, hidden, until my journey towards holistic healing practices lead me to Ayahuasca ceremonies - which dissolved my ego and reintroduced me to the intolerable level of physical injury below. I still haven’t been able to find stable footing, I struggle day to day, even though over the last 3+ years I have successfully healed a significant amount of physical pain with stem cell treatments allowing me to get closer to grounding, still a significant amount of pain remaining preventing me from ever fully grounding, the aversion from pain, unknown how much of the pain I will be able to heal.
What I had been holding onto, for hope, for distracting my mind, was hope for my very ambitious projects. The first difficult lesson in letting go was ~4 years ago; I really haven’t kept track of time, there’s no value in that I’ve found. I was developing a platform for the yoga community and successfully launched with decent number of yoga instructors actively using it, and was ready to scale - with the help of my then girlfriend and business partner I brought on when platform was ready to scale, who mainly was tasked with outreach and support. I struggled for a few months to find a way to keep this project alive and growing - I couldn’t. Perhaps fortunately design is where my skill development lead me, and so over the last few years a main focus I had was redesigning the platform of which I completed 80-90% of the new version, however I let go of that many months ago now - I just can’t handle managing or arranging for the next steps for such a relatively complex project; I know the market better than most, the new updated model if implemented would scale very quickly - I am certain if I could write an executive summary to explain the game plan I could convince anyone the vision will be successful, except there’s no point because I can’t execute or guide the execution of it.
All around the same time as struggling to keep the project alive, to scale: the relationship with my then girlfriend fell apart primarily due to my difficulty coping with the pain I could no longer be the stability she needed, I had to fly back from our outreach in Silicon Valley to watch my father who had requested euthanasia - but denied it - suffocate, drown to death in his hospital bed due to his body being weak and him catching pneumonia (pneumonia his lungs) in the hospital - watching along with my mother and sister; https://mattamyers.tumblr.com/post/120321181606/my-father-pa.... It was ultimately the grieving of my father’s death that reduced my available tolerance for the difficulties of the relationship to zero.
As I say, my first project has always been myself - trying my best to organize the next treatments, to try to problem solve what else may be going on. Healing myself has been difficult on its own though with my executive function being greatly disrupted due to the pain, and though I have tried again at different times - mostly after when significant healing has occurred, I still can’t handle the normal stress of moving a project forward, of hiring and managing others. I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle any normal life stress - whether for what I consider my life’s work, writing a detailed book of my journey, moving my projects forward - a network of health-wellness differentiated platforms to help shift society toward a healthier path, friendships or more - I simply am stuck from moving forward with all of this; this has difficulty psychologically of course. It is rare that the conditions are right that allow me to stream of consciousness write like this, where I write everything in one go, which allows there to be some organization inherently in the thoughts - otherwise I’m generally unable to organize a longer story from pieces written at different times - a part of mental organization tied to executive function.
The turmoil from not having a stable foundation for my brain, or perhaps mind to stem from, to develop patterns of behaviour, autonomous nervous system habits, executing thoughts toward behaviour allowing me to move forward without being constantly interrupted by physical pain, psychologically has been varying degrees of hell on Earth.
Two years ago it seemed I was better able to trick myself, delude myself, into thinking that I would soon reach the tipping point where enough pain would be healed where my executive function and life could begin to be rebuilt; https://mattamyers.tumblr.com/post/160104127401/on-days-like.... It’s however been 2 more years of stem cell treatments with unimaginable difficulty day to day, week to week, year to year, of struggle trying to cope - cycling through patterns and attempting to maintain a routine to provide as much stability as possible for myself.
When I write something long like this I wonder if it will be the last coherent piece I write to share my story. It feels cathartic to share my story, as we’re designed or evolved to story tell to pass on knowledge - however it is the rare time where I am able to compile something as clear as I feel this is, and so unfortunately it can’t end up part of my routine. I step carefully to not touch on details of my journey including near constant occurrences of incompetence, abandonment, lack of adequate support to not too strongly trigger emotions, stress including post-traumatic stress, that my nervous system just can’t handle due to the constant injection, sensitization of my nervous system.
I no longer care to actually share my vision for my projects, it isn’t useful to have hope - in fact optimism increases the contrast creating higher peaks and valleys with the pain, reducing how stable or flat foundation is possible. I could be hopeful, optimistic - I’m not broken that way - however ultimately I’d need the help of others to move my projects forward and that doesn’t happen, no help for me day to day or organizing treatments or someone problem solving for me what else could be going on with my nervous system, and no help for me for my projects; I can’t even ask for help any longer and don’t want to because the thought of moving forward engages executive function, your mind and thoughts lead to the body preparing itself for action - which for me, my body trying to engage triggers, tries grounds into the pain — aversion. It seems everyone has difficulty understanding just how locked up I am with moving forward in life, most everyone - especially doctors - not willing to read anything long form like this either.
So currently I am in a very dark place, more calm today after the storm that this past week has been. I do have another stem cell treatment middle of January already booked and organized, that at least today, I feel like I’ll make it to. A month ago I found out after doing a microbiome test I have an h.pylori infection - probably for many years now, that if treated may or may not reduce pressure on my body and reduce symptoms. It took me until a few days ago to order the supplements the doctor wanted me to take for a few weeks before starting antibiotics for a few weeks. There are other treatments and other diagnostics I still need to try organize. I normally share the actual incidents and causes of physical injury, though I don’t care to at the moment, and I am getting mentally exhausted now so my writing will start to fall apart if I continue trying to add to this and would start adding exponential more stress if I tried to push.
I don’t expect anyone to read this - though a thank you to other commenters who inspired me with their openness, and to LeonW’s thoughtful responses that let me feel this would be a safe space to share. And apologies if anything is incoherent, too mentally exhausted now to proof read what I wrote.