The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions • Hacker News Board

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#161

Post by majos » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 2:25 PM UTC

tony wrote: post #13

I wonder what would be a more personal (and interesting) question than: - Describe your relationship with your mother - Describe your relationship with your father Completely open-ended, yet, is universal to everyone. Being candid in that area can provide a lot of foundational underpinning to understand someone. But - would people find it awkward? Would they take offense? Feel pain thinking about the answer? As for s…

I like learning about people, but I would only ask “how’s your relationship with your mother/father?” if I already think the person’s unusually open. It’s a pretty direct “therapy”-style question, and some people don’t like feeling analyzed that way.

But it’s not that hard to get there a little less directly. If you just ask about people’s days and weekends, their parents will come up at some point. Then you can ask more gradually and organically.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#162

Post by dgb23 » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 2:26 PM UTC

gampleman wrote: post #134

My wife was* one of those rare people who just went ahead and asked people whatever was on her mind. This had a curious effect as I often internally winced and thought "you did not just say that". Sometimes I had the impulse to apologize for her or put in a joke to soften the blow. However, curiously, generally people didn't seem to mind or sometimes registered very mild embarrassment. In very rare cases they just av…

I'm often not brave enough myself but I appreciate when someone does this. I immediately feel more recognized and these conversations feel more genuine.

Conversations about stuff people actually care about are much easier to keep interesting, whereas making small-talk interesting is a skill in itself (which I don't have).

It should come with a package of open mindedness and preferably humor too to create a comfortable atmosphere.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#163

Post by dqv » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 2:37 PM UTC

bryanrasmussen wrote: post #154

CalRobert wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, it depends on how you define "easily". And any culture that agrees a thing is offensive will probably not feel the offense is taken too easily, because by definition it's the norm. I mean, I was chastised for taking a picture with a Buddha even while I did my best to be polite (I knew taking photos was OK but you had to make sure you weren't standing higher than the Buddha, etc.) - to me it seems kind of arbitr…

Is refill the pot of coffee if you empty it another casualty of technology? I don't think I've worked anywhere in more than a decade that did not have big automate coffee maker that allowed you to choose between a dozen passable options. In that situation you never refill the pot if you empty it, you empty the grinds or pour in more beans if the the machine asks.

The refill coffee pot thing is a reference to us folks in the lower class that still have manual coffee makers at work :)

Automated like you mention is still an exception rather than a rule.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#164

Post by mikestew » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 2:37 PM UTC

mkagenius wrote: post #61

mikestew wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Mr. Feyman’s mistake is assuming I’m trying to wash away urine. I touch stuff other than my dick throughout the day. Post-piss is as good a time as any. Not that I would have ever that I felt I owed such an asshole an explanation.

Why is urine getting on your hands? Who designs your (not you specifically) urinals?

I see Mr. Feyman has been woke from the dead, and still feels the need to demand an explanation. People piss on their hands sometimes, own up to that. Let he who has never had a stray pubic hair turn the urine stream into a spring rain shower cast the first stone.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#165

Post by zajio1am » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 2:44 PM UTC

9nGQluzmnq3M wrote: post #23

I'm a regular reader of Ask a Manager ( https://www.askamanager.org/ ), and one thing that comes up over and over is how both managers and employees will avoid awkward topics ranging from trivial ("your breath smells") to consequential ("you need to step up or you'll be fired!"), to the point of going to extremes like quitting the job, just to avoid having a genuine conversation with somebody. And I'm guilty of this…

> And I'm guilty of this too. I used to work with a dude who did not brush his teeth and used to wear the same clothes for a week in a row -- and I don't think anybody ever said a word to him, they just edged away quietly.

Well, i guess such conversation would not have a rational background, it would be just a power struggle whether one side could enforce its cultural norms on the other side.

Using one's soft power to enforce specific goals or norms is risky and should be risky, not only because it could turn against the speaker, but also it could turn into oppression of those with less soft power.

So perhaps it is best to reserve that to important issues, while handling trivial ones with tolerance.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#166

Post by hanniabu » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 3:29 PM UTC

majos wrote: post #159

hanniabu wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I knew a guy like that and he had a very different attitude than most in this situation. The guy I knew was 100% aware of what he was doing. He said he's not poor at all, but chose to live poor to save his money and invest it instead. He said he was on track to retire at 30. The man had laser vision with his eye on the target, can't hate on him for that. He'll be the last one laughing with that "fuck you" money.

But saving money on clothes and hygiene is crazily short-sighted. Bad clean clothes are maybe a couple hundred dollars a year, generously. I sincerely doubt that outweighs having your co-workers dread interacting with you.

All those little couple hundred dollars a year here and there add up. And some people just don't care to make friends with the people they work with.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#167

Post by steverb » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 3:34 PM UTC

outime wrote: post #153

gampleman wrote: post #134

My wife was* one of those rare people who just went ahead and asked people whatever was on her mind. This had a curious effect as I often internally winced and thought "you did not just say that". Sometimes I had the impulse to apologize for her or put in a joke to soften the blow. However, curiously, generally people didn't seem to mind or sometimes registered very mild embarrassment. In very rare cases they just av…

That’s a great story and I’m like your wife in that aspect, but just intentionally. Either way you’re lucky to have someone like that around, it can teach you a lot. I’ve experienced very deep, fulfilling connections with strangers (friend of a friend level) and still haven’t found anyone being embarrassed by these questions, but of course nobody else needs to be around as it can quickly be embarrassing. It can also…

I honestly don't know what a "deep" question sounds like. Is there a list of topics that fall into that category somewhere?

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#168

Post by mgh2 » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 3:37 PM UTC

gampleman wrote: post #134

My wife was* one of those rare people who just went ahead and asked people whatever was on her mind. This had a curious effect as I often internally winced and thought "you did not just say that". Sometimes I had the impulse to apologize for her or put in a joke to soften the blow. However, curiously, generally people didn't seem to mind or sometimes registered very mild embarrassment. In very rare cases they just av…

It depends on a lot of factors. Unless you extremely lack social skills or are new to a language or culture, a conversation is a continual data gathering, feedback loop for both parties.

Here are some examples:

1. How close are you with this person? An issue of trust.

2. What is the context? Friends, coworker, interview, etc.

3. What is the goal? Friendship, small-talk, debate, etc.

4. Who is the audience? student, foreigner, church, etc.

I suspect your wife asks these questions to the religious ("theology"), which is a subset (bias). It is risky to ask controversial issues today to people not with your value system, so I also suspect she became more sensitive after trial and error. The best way is to ask her directly.

Please confirm/refute my hypotheses.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#169

Post by vorpalhex » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 3:42 PM UTC

steverb wrote: post #167

outime wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s a great story and I’m like your wife in that aspect, but just intentionally. Either way you’re lucky to have someone like that around, it can teach you a lot. I’ve experienced very deep, fulfilling connections with strangers (friend of a friend level) and still haven’t found anyone being embarrassed by these questions, but of course nobody else needs to be around as it can quickly be embarrassing. It can also…

I honestly don't know what a "deep" question sounds like. Is there a list of topics that fall into that category somewhere?

"What are your thoughts on the afterlife?"

Any question more likely than not to possibly cause some stir or anxiety usually gets listed in my head as not appropriate for shallow conversations. Religion, politics, questions in depth about personal history, metaphysics, philosophy, etc.

Of course, having deep conversations is super rewarding and it can really help you learn a lot about other people and build relationships beyond just inane topics like tv or the weather.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#170

Post by vorpalhex » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 3:44 PM UTC

wildmusings wrote: post #73

Yessing wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"not offending others by asking sensitive questions/Avoiding awkward" is the polite thing to do. But a core part of being polite, is not hruting others through your actions directly or undirectly. ( or at least trying) In cases where not asking the question puts the other party in a disadvantage or at the risk thereof, I feel one shouldn't be allowed to claim that one was being polite or "doing the right thing". You…

> But a core part of being polite, is not hurting others through your actions directly or indirectly. ( or at least trying) The problem is wanting the notion of politeness to do too much work. Being polite, being nice , is just a moment to moment strategy for avoiding conflict. Unfortunately, niceness has become the most important virtue in American culture. Being good is much more profound, and niceness is just one…

Being polite and nice is the lubricant in the gears of society. You're correct in that it's not the same thing as being good (and, as you said, sometimes to be good we have to be impolite or even harsh) but being nice is an important part of getting along with other humans, especially the ones you don't know.