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The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

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Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#11

Post by Thorentis »

ronilan wrote: post #8

What is a sensitive question? Not the examples provided. Here’s an alternative. Former Secretary of Defense for two presidents Donald Rumsfeld once framed (brilliantly actually) the possible things we know. ... there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we d…

I thought you were going in a different direction with this. To me, sensitive questions are very much in the first observation you pointed out (known unknowns). i.e. things we know we don't know about somebody. These things are often sensitive and therefore avoided in casual conversation. Not every known unknown is a sensitive questions, but a question by definition implies an unknowing. You ask so you can discover (unless you're perhaps asking as a conversation starter in a particular topic).

I'm not sure I follow what you mean by "unknown knows". How is a sensitive question an unknown known?

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#12

Post by asveikau »

zrkrlc wrote: post #3

Hmm, in my head, I model conversation as a game of who can get the mine the most "intimacy", if you will, while revealing the least about oneself. So risque topics are, as the adjective suggests, high risk, but also high reward. Correspondingly, small talk is a lot of low risk, low reward back-and-forth. You don't have to be intimate with a stranger, but you need to stick your neck out if you want to progress beyond…

Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balance or imbalance of the same. Be kind and be generous.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#13

Post by tony »

I wonder what would be a more personal (and interesting) question than:

- Describe your relationship with your mother

- Describe your relationship with your father

Completely open-ended, yet, is universal to everyone. Being candid in that area can provide a lot of foundational underpinning to understand someone.

But - would people find it awkward? Would they take offense? Feel pain thinking about the answer?

As for someone's political opinion in a specific area, I'm worried self-presentation pressures and social environment crafts us to more heated (or passive, to not make a stir) for us to conform. In fact, on that subject, Wikipedia's page on this area is amazing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conformity

The thing is - isn't the interesting thing someone's true hardships, needs, dreams, interpretations of life events, and desires, rather than something stemming from an idealized image they want to portray others, to be "good"? When social pressures of trying to say things the "right way", it's not a good read. Sure, they may be lashing out at others in outrage. Perhaps its very righteous and personal (most of the time?)

But what if, paradoxically, they're doing it out of pressure to be apart of the herd so they themselves are not ostracized? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-monitoring

So I worry that even if we ask sensitive questions, there will be so much splitting, and so many people who are coy on their responses so as to avoid the people who really make a fuss of stuff. Maybe we'd find people are scared to validate their true feelings and needs. What if environment and fear of being an outcast/ridiculed for showing candor has them in a compliance state?

And that'd take us back to psychoanalysts in the 1940's and 50's :) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Horney#Theory_of_neurosi..., https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Character_orientation. It's hard to come up with a new idea in this space.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#14

Post by taneq »

zrkrlc wrote: post #3

Hmm, in my head, I model conversation as a game of who can get the mine the most "intimacy", if you will, while revealing the least about oneself. So risque topics are, as the adjective suggests, high risk, but also high reward. Correspondingly, small talk is a lot of low risk, low reward back-and-forth. You don't have to be intimate with a stranger, but you need to stick your neck out if you want to progress beyond…

I’ve always seen it as a cooperative game to increase mutual trust through shared experiences and confidences.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#15

Post by BurningFrog »

asveikau wrote: post #12
zrkrlc wrote: post #3

Hmm, in my head, I model conversation as a game of who can get the mine the most "intimacy", if you will, while revealing the least about oneself. So risque topics are, as the adjective suggests, high risk, but also high reward. Correspondingly, small talk is a lot of low risk, low reward back-and-forth. You don't have to be intimate with a stranger, but you need to stick your neck out if you want to progress beyond…

Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balance or imbalance of the same. Be kind and be generous.

The value of "just being ourself" depends greatly on who you are...

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#16

Post by krustyburger »

taneq wrote: post #10
krustyburger wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If your goal is to get others to share intimately without sharing intimately yourself, you will tend to seem insincere and manipulative.

That’s not just seeming insincere and manipulative.

You’re right, of course. But I wonder if the parent is aware other people can detect this sort of thing.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#17

Post by gorpomon »

I'm feeling this hard at my place of work. We can't ask probing questions about people's real behaviors and actions, so while projects are running far behind we're not asking why. We're great at keeping a calm head and working towards a solution for today's problem. We have zero capability to reflect on how people's specific actions get us into these problems.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#18

Post by dmitrygr »

gorpomon wrote: post #17

I'm feeling this hard at my place of work. We can't ask probing questions about people's real behaviors and actions, so while projects are running far behind we're not asking why. We're great at keeping a calm head and working towards a solution for today's problem. We have zero capability to reflect on how people's specific actions get us into these problems.

The one thing that you miss the most after leaving Google is the postmortem culture - the fact that anything that goes wrong will be picked apart for lessons to learn, and said lessons WILL be learned. Trying to get a large org to buy into that idea is just... impossible.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#19

Post by ronilan »

Thorentis wrote: post #11
ronilan wrote: post #8

What is a sensitive question? Not the examples provided. Here’s an alternative. Former Secretary of Defense for two presidents Donald Rumsfeld once framed (brilliantly actually) the possible things we know. ... there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we d…

I thought you were going in a different direction with this. To me, sensitive questions are very much in the first observation you pointed out (known unknowns). i.e. things we know we don't know about somebody. These things are often sensitive and therefore avoided in casual conversation. Not every known unknown is a sensitive questions, but a question by definition implies an unknowing. You ask so you can discover (…

A sensitive question is one for which the answer is an Unknown Known.

Put differently, answers in that quadrant are the ones the questioned individual would like to avoid. As long as you, the asker, avoid asking them, there is a peaceful equilibrium. Once you ask such, you become a hostile.

Or put in the original context - Unknowns Knowns are coverups.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#20

Post by nothrabannosir »

ronilan wrote: post #8

What is a sensitive question? Not the examples provided. Here’s an alternative. Former Secretary of Defense for two presidents Donald Rumsfeld once framed (brilliantly actually) the possible things we know. ... there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we d…

This concept dates back to Socrates. It is reported he saw mr. Rumsfeld as a great inspiration.
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