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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#701

Post by conductr »

kohanz wrote: post #612
throwaway2519 wrote: post #405

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> my kids started school at 4. I've put them in full time after school care as well, ending at 6pm > you get them asleep before 8pm > you can give them a book and that will keep them quiet And then people wonder why kids don't listen to and respect their parents when they grow up. You're basically just giving school teachers full control to raise your kids at age of 4, and they only interact with you for 1-2 hours du…

Where is the 1-2 hr figure coming from? Even for my oldest, who is in school, and on a day I work. I'm seeing him on average 2 hours in the morning before he's off to school (young kids wake up early ) and then another 3 hours on average in the evening (and he goes to bed "early" by his peer standards). This doesn't count night time wake-ups. Then weekends/holidays it's all day, of course.

I read/heard recently that average daily quality time is 37 minutes in US.

Re: Having Kids

#702

Post by warrentr »

throwaway_40 wrote: post #691

Alright so I'm using a throwaway account for this as it's kind of personal but I really want to hear the HN community on this one. I'm 40, I've suffered anxiety distorders and depression and I just never dated. I'd love to, but I just got stuck in this rut where I was kind of happy with my own company and just scared of change in my life in general. 30-40 is in some ways for me a lost decade. I spent lots of time wor…

Personally I think late 30s or even early 40s is ideal for a lot of men. I'm 36 and just had my first kid, and I honestly can't imagine doing it any younger. I just would not have been ready in many ways. Obviously I don't know your personal situation, but i don't believe your age should slow you down. Best of luck if you end up down that path!

Re: Having Kids

#703

Post by dvko »

kristofferR wrote: post #677
dvko wrote: post #664

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is probably mostly because the population argument is usually used by people in rich countries in order not to have to change anything, despite the fact that on average, a 10-person family in rural Africa emits less CO2 than a single individual in the US. I agree there is probably no good reason for anyone to have more than 4 kids (at most, probably just 2 to go for a manageable population decline) but lifestyle…

You can presume that your kid will have roughly the same lifestyle, and emissions, as you over a lifetime - so having a kid is a decision of doubling your emissions.

With that attitude, yes. This actually illustrates my point of changing consumption habits perfectly.

We became vegetarians the moment we became parents. Not because I think our individual change will make a difference but because I want it to be a no-brainer for our kids to drastically reduce meat intake.

If you don’t want to raise kids, that is fine. But don’t act like having 1 or 2 kids is ruining the planet. It is not, it’s the way we live that is.

Re: Having Kids

#704

Post by ericd »

twmahna wrote: post #656
daxfohl wrote: post #258

So my experience was the opposite. I came in expecting this great "chemical change" where suddenly the world revolved around my kids and their future. Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but,…

Thank you for posting your perspective. As someone who's contemplating having kids in the distant future, I'm wondering if there's a way to predict whether these chemical changes will occur for me or not. Do you have any insights here? In particular, I'm curious about these questions pertaining to your life prior to having children: - From 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy helping a friend out when it was a mild inconv…

I dgaf at all about cute pets, like -1. But a lot of everyday experiences with our toddler are pretty magical feeling.

One thing I've found, if you're exhausted and just waiting to do something else, the whole thing just sucks. I've definitely done that/had days like that. But if you throw yourself into playing with them, and really try to engage, interact, trick them, tickle them when they don't expect it, etc, it becomes amazing, because he picks up on that and gets really into it too, and he appreciates it so much. Like beaming joy. And that's one of the greatest things I've ever witnessed.

Just a point of anecdata. But it really seems to be one of those things where you get more out when you put more in. I don't know that I got an obvious chemical lightswitch thing, it's been a relationship that's grown more and more over time.

Re: Having Kids

#705

Post by dvko »

austhrow743 wrote: post #679
kristofferR wrote: post #677

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can presume that your kid will have roughly the same lifestyle, and emissions, as you over a lifetime - so having a kid is a decision of doubling your emissions.

It doesn't end there. Kid will probably have kids that have the same lifestyle as well. Who will also probably have kids, etc.

Which is exactly why change is needed, not for us all to stop having any kids at all.

Re: Having Kids

#706

Post by kbos87 »

As someone who doesn’t have and doesn’t plan to have kids, I have a lot of respect for parents. They have made decisions and trade-offs and now have responsibilities that I will never have.

The one thing I will say is that the modern world is so, so built around the notion that the normal and right thing to do is to eventually have kids. As a gay person it’s easier for me to take the path other LGBTQ+ folks most often take of not having children, but I still see and feel the societal pressures. Do what’s right for you, not what you think you are supposed to do.

Re: Having Kids

#707

Post by throwaway_40 »

ericd wrote: post #696
throwaway_40 wrote: post #691

Alright so I'm using a throwaway account for this as it's kind of personal but I really want to hear the HN community on this one. I'm 40, I've suffered anxiety distorders and depression and I just never dated. I'd love to, but I just got stuck in this rut where I was kind of happy with my own company and just scared of change in my life in general. 30-40 is in some ways for me a lost decade. I spent lots of time wor…

Not too late, though if you're a woman, it gets harder to have a natural pregnancy the longer you wait. But we have some technology for that! My dad was nearly 40 when they had me, I know there are many new dads that are older than that.

Thank you. I am male. Still lots of work to do, but there's no way I'm going to live this life without even trying.

Re: Having Kids

#709

Post by daxfohl »

twmahna wrote: post #656
daxfohl wrote: post #258

So my experience was the opposite. I came in expecting this great "chemical change" where suddenly the world revolved around my kids and their future. Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but,…

Thank you for posting your perspective. As someone who's contemplating having kids in the distant future, I'm wondering if there's a way to predict whether these chemical changes will occur for me or not. Do you have any insights here? In particular, I'm curious about these questions pertaining to your life prior to having children: - From 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy helping a friend out when it was a mild inconv…

Caveat emptor, it's not all fire and brimstone either. It's been a rough couple weeks on a few fronts so everything I've said is slanted by that. Still, everything stands.

Rather than divulge my psychological profile on a public forum, I'll say the following. Spend some time with kids. Volunteer and do activities involving kids. There's plenty of stuff out there. If you end up enjoying them, then you'll probably like your own kids. If you feel like what the hell am I doing here this is not my cup of tea, then my warning is that activities with your own kids is potentially not so different.

Re: Having Kids

#710

Post by remarkEon »

topkai22 wrote: post #666
remarkEon wrote: post #500

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure this is the distinction that's important. I agree with what you're saying, but ... I think the difference is that while neighborhoods are "safer", they are less "known". Millennials (I am one) in big cities move around a lot because of high rents and high cost of living, and it's hard to establish permanence in a community. Even if you're a Church-going family that would have social structures to lean on, ev…

In all honesty- don’t be afraid to make the move, especially to family. I switched roles at one the tech giants from software development to the "field" (sales, service, and support) in order be able to move closer to my wife, and have stuck with it to be closer to family while raising our kids. It was a definite sacrifice and I won't pretend like I don't still fantasize abut jumping back into a product group somewhe…

Thanks, I really appreciate comments like this.
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