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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#641

Post by abalashov »

jrrrr wrote: post #332
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

The thing I miss most from pre-kid days was occasionally having time and energy simultaneously. Now it's one or the other.

That’s a very succinct summation!

Re: Having Kids

#642

Post by ultrasounder »

seanhandley wrote: post #302
basilisks wrote: post #282

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for this. My son is 2 and legally blind, so needless to say we have no life outside of him for now, but he is a joy. I would trade none of this for nothing. Often I feel like I will never again be able to have a life, read a book, finish a project, have an idea. I know that it gets better and that I should cherish the moments we have while he is so young (and I do), but it’s hard to see more than a foot in…

Our son is profoundly autistic and will probably need care all his life. He's 4 now and I wouldn't change him for the world, but it's taken 4 years to really come to terms with his condition and our ongoing role as parents and carers.

Hi there, as a father of autistic son, I can feel You. But hang in there, your son is young enough for some interventional therapy. We pursued floor time therapy which is play based and it has helped our son since. OT and speech can go a long way in helping your child express them better and navigate their life better. If you do decide to send your child to a public school, make sure they can supper your child with special needs education program. They initially need a lot more of your attention but depending on now how their cognitive functions turn out they can go on to become more independent. Good luck, and if you need someone to talk to my contact info is in my profile.

Re: Having Kids

#643

Post by Tasboo »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

I have 3 kids, all 4 and under. Exact same situation and I feel that exact same feeling. It's rare my spouse and I to find free time for hobbies. I find myself with a drive to work on things or learn that I never had before I had kids, but hardly anytime to do any of it.

I'm in a fortunate situation of having both my parents and my in-laws so close and that my kids love to have sleep overs with them. Those seem to be the only times where I have a decent amount of time to dive into something, but even then, there are still up-keep responsibilities and a desire to just rest during those times that causes that window of time to disappear faster than I'd like.

I don't have any advice to offer but just an answer to the question on if anyone else is in the situation you described. Just know you're not alone :)

Re: Having Kids

#644

Post by astura »

yters wrote: post #383
haberman wrote: post #43

As someone who has wrestled a lot with the question of whether I ever want kids, I've sought out data. One thing I came across was this: https://www.salon.com/2017/05/09/google-confessional-your-se... > Adults with children are 3.6 times more likely to tell Google they regret their decision than are adults without children. I'd be curious if others have data on this. I'm especially interested in how many people have…

Another data point of interest: how many kids regret being had? I don't!

I do, Absolutely.

Re: Having Kids

#645

Post by glangdale »

triangleman wrote: post #544
glangdale wrote: post #465

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I empathize, having been in a very similar position, but it's time for some tough love. You need to grow up and deal with your life as it is now. You are getting 35-40 hours a week of structured time at the office away from your kids and you're complaining about not having enough time to absorb your "bursts of energy"? Only a "couple hours" to think about something interesting before getting 7 hours of healthy sleep?…

You are right, of course. My work is already quite rewarding so I do need to work on tempering my expectations. Thank you. I will try to enjoy these moments as a parent more.

I'm glad this wasn't too obnoxious - rereading what I said did make me feel that I could have worked on the tone. A good deal of my irritation in that "missive" is directed at myself - I used to be one of those "I can't wait until X" parents (last diaper, last interrupted night of sleep, last faceplant on the sidewalk while learning to walk properly, etc.). But now I look at toddlers in the park and wish I could change another diaper or soothe a crying baby or bandage a knee one more time if we could have more of the good bits too.

Not to over-romanticize it all; I've had scary hospital visits and known parents with colicky babies who were genuinely run to the very limits of exhaustion, and parental depression is a real thing. I don't want to make it sound like everyone should find every single day of parenting an unmitigated delight ("or else you're doing it wrong, and are probably a way worse parent than I obviously am in my infinite wisdom").

Re: Having Kids

#646

Post by CydeWeys »

kmarc wrote: post #547
coldtea wrote: post #523

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> and they only interact with you for 1-2 hours during the day and don't really know who you are As if 1-2 hours per day is "little"? That's not in any way why kids "don't listen to and respect their parents when they grow up". Kids spent even less "quality time" with their parents (a relatively modern boomer invention) back in the old times when they did fully "listened to and respected" them.

Hmm... I thought the 9-5, office work, working for other people/businesses are the modern inventions and for tens of thousands of years mankind spent 80%+ of the day with their offsprings/families/villages. It's interesting to think that "quality time" which in this context simply means "2 hours per day together" should be enough. This is not how humans evolved. As harsh as it sounds, the philosophical question above…

Daycare isn't solitary confinement. The kids there are hanging out with other kids and the daycare employees. Kids who hang out in a variety of different social situations like this actually end up better adjusted than kids who only hang out with their parents the whole time.

I remember preschool (i.e. private daycare) as being a hell of a lot of fun. Same for summer camps. And if it gave my parents a rest away from me, then good for them. I still saw enough of them every day.

Re: Having Kids

#647

Post by unityByFreedom »

kelnos wrote: post #617
daenz wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare?" It's a disingenuous argument. He acknowledges "attention is a zero-sum game" and that having kids has lowered his ambitions. Therefore, it's not a question of what is there "to spare" (implying leftover time/energy), it is a question of "how much are you willing to give up" to make room for th…

Yeah, that didn't really track with me either. If attention (and therefore ambition?) is a zero-sum game, diverting attention from $SOME_THING to your kids implies diverting ambition as well. Either you divert less attention to your kids, and are still able to fulfill your prior ambitions, or you divert more, and you aren't. Or somewhere in between. It's not that your ambition is wimpy, just that it's finite.

I do better when I'm busy. Calling attention/ambition zero-sum doesn't add up for me. I don't really consider it finite either. We can usually find a way to push past our previous limits.

Re: Having Kids

#648

Post by justinclift »

coldtea wrote: post #582
kmarc wrote: post #547

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hmm... I thought the 9-5, office work, working for other people/businesses are the modern inventions and for tens of thousands of years mankind spent 80%+ of the day with their offsprings/families/villages. It's interesting to think that "quality time" which in this context simply means "2 hours per day together" should be enough. This is not how humans evolved. As harsh as it sounds, the philosophical question above…

> for tens of thousands of years mankind spent 80%+ of the day with their offsprings/families/villages For tens of thousands of years kids played with other kids or hanged in the village watched by the older people in the community, while fathers did some guild style job or worked at the fields, and moms cooked and tended the house. They got together to eat and sleep at various points. For less fortunate families, ki…

> For tens of thousands of years kids played with other kids or hanged in the village ...

Weren't humans nomadic for the vast majority of our history, with agriculture (aka villages) coming about only a few thousand years ago?

Re: Having Kids

#649

Post by defen »

mwcampbell wrote: post #462
munificent wrote: post #227

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My kids are 8 and 11 now. I just spent the past hour working on my book while they puttered around doing... honestly I don't know what they were doing. For me, the toddler years were the nadir in terms of having my own time. Babies sleep enough to give you some time. Older kids are independent enough. But toddlers, man, it's like living with a pair of destructive monkeys that you're legally forbidden to cage. It will…

> destructive monkeys that you're legally forbidden to cage In the same vain as "What you can't say", is there any solution to this problem that is ethical (at least under consequentialist morality) but taboo?

Foist them off on their grandparents. Not what I would do, but I know people who have. Works best if the grandparents are mid 50s or younger.

Re: Having Kids

#650

Post by iamkroot »

taksintikk wrote: post #639

Nice article but not convinced. I see zero upside in having children.

Then don't have any! People get so prickly about discussions about children, like they're scared someone is going to press gang them into parenthood.
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