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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#181

Post by miles »

sparker72678 wrote: post #35
crimsonalucard wrote: post #7

The experience of having kids involves a relationship that spans something more than 25 years. I remember seeing research done on people that have had the full experience and the overall ratings of happiness were lower.

Citation needed

Decades of data suggest parenthood makes people unhappy https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/should-you-have-kids

Many Parents Are Happier Than Non-Parents — But Not in the U.S. https://time.com/collection/guide-to-happiness/4370344/paren...

Having kids makes you happier, but only when they move out https://www.newscientist.com/article/2213655-having-kids-mak...

The depressing reason why having kids doesn’t actually make you happier https://www.marketwatch.com/story/one-theory-on-why-having-k...

Re: Having Kids

#182

Post by xwowsersx »

sanj wrote: post #164
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

It gets better. Way better. Last night I explained quicksort to one kid. Now we are designing cards to laser cut. The kids get interesting and independent quicker than you might imagine. The days are long, but the years are fast.

> The days are long, but the years are fast.

So true!

Re: Having Kids

#183

Post by wiradikusuma »

I read a few comments here basically saying, "oh because he's rich". I respectfully disagree.

I was at the lowest point in life financially when I have my first son, but a lot of what PG said resonates with me. Particularly, I feel very emotional whenever I hear/see children being abused (people share video of violence by nannies in WhatsApp).

Then again, parenthood is different to everyone.

Re: Having Kids

#184

Post by mlacks »

> Partly, and I won't deny it, this is because of serious chemical changes that happened almost instantly when our first child was born. It was like someone flipped a switch. I suddenly felt protective not just toward our child, but toward all children. As I was driving my wife and new son home from the hospital, I approached a crosswalk full of pedestrians, and I found myself thinking "I have to be really careful of all these people. Every one of them is someone's child!"

This just flipped a switch in my (kidless) brain. What a strange feeling to realize every person on earth is someone’s kid. Someone’s grand kid. I’m now puzzled at how we humans can even conceive of being less than stellar to each other

Re: Having Kids

#185

Post by tlarkworthy »

casion wrote: post #34

I don't have kids. However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years. I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly. The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task. Realizing this was…

Yes! My kids love me fixing stuff, so I can multiplex minding them, fixing up the house and, in a sense, educate them all at the same time. Obviously it takes longer with them spilling tools everywhere, but chores get done and the kids are happy

Re: Having Kids

#186

Post by abalone »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

> Just looking for some dads who can relate and maybe give some wisdom on the subject of having young kids and losing your ability to work on something interesting--which to be fair I never did before having kids

Your problem is not that your kids have blocked you from interesting work. In fact it sounds like quite the opposite: you are so passionate and rewarded by childcare that it has inspired you like never before.

It just sounds like you need to look for a more interesting day job.

Re: Having Kids

#187

Post by daenz »

philwelch wrote: post #141
daenz wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My point is not: "it's biologically programmed, therefore bad," as you seem to be suggesting. My point is: "it's biologically programmed, so it's silly to say that it isn't just because you enjoy it."

The same argument could be made for literally anything you or any other meatbag ever experiences, desires, or enjoys. It’s completely fatuous to use this line of argument to distinguish having children from any other human goal, activity, or desire because the criticism applies on both sides and hence cancels out.

If you go back to my original post, I used the idea of "biologically programmed" in the context of "sole purpose of reproducing effectively." That's the context that I am using "biologically programmed." It seems you are using it in a much broader context of "all possible human behavior." I am using it to distinguish between behaviors that support reproducing effectively and those that don't. If you are using it to include all possible human behavior, which it seems like you are, then of course we are going to disagree, because our basic definitions are not aligned.

Example: suicide before reproduction may be a "biologically programmed behavior" in your context, but not in mine, because it's not a behavior that supports the biological programming of reproduction.

Re: Having Kids

#188

Post by User23 »

rm2040 wrote: post #158

what is the augustine quote he is referencing?

"Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet."

A right knave's prayer, but then Augustine was a right knave until his saintly mother finally set him straight.

Re: Having Kids

#189

Post by [deleted] »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

[deleted]

Re: Having Kids

#190

Post by philwelch »

quadrifoliate wrote: post #68

Ironically, this essay shows the biggest problem I have with having kids -- especially in the US, people with kids seem to single-mindedly focus on them and can't stop telling you about their kids . What remains of their social lives and all their holidays seem to revolve around the kids. I think pg echoes a bit of this sentiment himself when he says: > To some extent I'm like a religious cultist telling you that you…

I think it’s the other way around: somehow we tried to build ourselves a civilization without children at all. I think in most human cultures, children are considered an important if not primary concern. Not having children well into adulthood is a modern privilege—one could even characterize modern childless adulthood as merely an extension of our own childhoods. But by starting to normalize childless adulthood, we’ve made the most normal and natural thing human beings do come across as a weird cultish type of social deviancy.

Logistically, extended families are a good idea. But I don’t think they stop people from putting their children first in terms of life priorities. On the contrary, a culture where parenthood rather than childless adulthood is normal is one where talking about your kids is a universal common ground you can share with other adults. (People need to have lots of kids for extended families to be normal—everyone will have grandparents but not necessarily aunts and uncles). Maybe you’re just observing one of these (sub)cultures from the outside.

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