Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Having Kids

paulgraham.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

131–140 of 902 posts

Re: Having Kids

#131

Post by triangleman »

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything is about the kids. Until everyone goes to bed, then maybe I can think about something interesting to work on for a couple hours before sleeping well less than 7 hours of healthy sleep. Or do you even give that up, and as soon as the kids are in bed it's time for the bedtime routine for yourself?

Just looking for some dads who can relate and maybe give some wisdom on the subject of having young kids and losing your ability to work on something interesting--which to be fair I never did before having kids because I was unmotivated, having not had that burst of energy yet...

Re: Having Kids

#132

Post by ngngngng »

I love this article, and I've experienced parenthood quite similar to Paul (I have an 11 month old), but I disagree with his statements on ambition, maybe it's because he was so full of ambition and success prior to having children. But for me, I now feel a great drive to provide this baby with all the opportunities and experiences in the world. And I can't give him those things without great professional success.

Re: Having Kids

#133

Post by johnwheeler »

There are a few things I can identify that makes my experience with my own children same as PGs.

The first is extremely low expectations of what having children would be like. The last 7 years or my life have been the best, by far.

I have lost a lot of ambition, but I welcome the loss. It feels good to look at the lot I’ve carved out for myself, which is fine by any standard, and breathe and just enjoy my time and life with my kids.

Another thing that has bolstered my experience is a strong bond with my wife. I’m 40, and we’ve been together for 23 years. We know each other pretty well and have worked most of the bullshit out.

Re: Having Kids

#137

Post by DylanDmitri »

haberman wrote: post #43

As someone who has wrestled a lot with the question of whether I ever want kids, I've sought out data. One thing I came across was this: https://www.salon.com/2017/05/09/google-confessional-your-se... > Adults with children are 3.6 times more likely to tell Google they regret their decision than are adults without children. I'd be curious if others have data on this. I'm especially interested in how many people have…

There's bias: people with children were previously people without children and can realistically regret the lifestyle that they're leaving behind, but people who've never had children lack that same capacity for regret.

And as to who is feeling overwhelmed and regretful, it's mostly women who are shoved into a thankless housewife roll and living far away from their family and friends.

Re: Having Kids

#138

Post by galangalalgol »

Liron wrote: post #107
nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

I also did not experience the chemical changes part. At the time I was wondering if I would, but nope.

I definitely did. First night home she projectile pooped all over me, and my instinct was to laugh and think it was cute. That brought me up short and i realized my brain had been hacked for the purpose of the species' survival. I would still rather vegetate than play with her on many occasions, but something flipped a switch and all kids are way less annoying than they were. A friend of mine who has gotten all his out of the nest says it wears off. My father in law says the same until you hit your first grandchild when something similar kicked in.

Re: Having Kids

#139

Post by [deleted] »

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #116
nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

When I had my first kid in 2009 I was expecting this whole life changing experience, instead it was just...the same, except now there's a baby take care of. Three kids later and I definitely have strong feelings around my kids, but it's not some kind of revelation. They're people just like me, they just have less experience. It's my job (legally and ethically) to make sure they have a reasonably well informed, if bia…

[deleted]

Re: Having Kids

#140

Post by ianbicking »

nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

This feels terribly sentimental, but of course it's a sentimental topic, so... a poem that I very much appreciate on some of these feelings (http://web.colby.edu/csc-mcnair/rulesnewcar-tcluster/):

    The Rules of the New Car
    by Wesley McNair
    
    After I got married and became
    the stepfather of two children, just before
    we had two more, I bought it, the bright
    blue sorrowful car that slowly turned
    to scratches and the flat black spots
    of gum in the seats and stains impossible
    to remove from the floor mats. “Never again.”
    I said as our kids, four of them by now,
    climbed into the new car. “This time,
    there will be rules.” The first to go
    was the rule I made for myself about
    cleaning it once a week, though why,
    I shouted at the kids in the rearview mirror,
    should I have to clean it if they would just
    remember to fold their hands. Three years
    later, it was the same car I had before,
    except for the dent my wife put in the grille
    when, ignoring the regulation about snacks,
    she reached for a bag of chips on her way
    home from work and hit a tow truck. Oh,
    the ache I felt for the broken rules,
    and the beautiful car that had been lost,
    and the car that we now had, on soft
    shocks in the driveway, still unpaid for.
    Then one day, for no particular reason except
    that the car was loaded down with wood
    for the fireplace at my in-laws’ camp
    and groceries and sheets and clothes
    for the week, my wife in the passenger seat,
    the dog lightly panting beside the kids in the back,
    all innocent anticipation, waiting for me
    to join them, I opened the door to my life.
Post reply on HN