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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#31

Post by EliRivers »

Kids are dull so dull SO DULL.

It's not their fault. It's not personal. They've never done anything, they've had no experiences, their tastes are bland and repetitive because of their physical state and their limited experience, of course they're dull and uninteresting.

It's not their fault, but it's still the case. And they're not even like dull adults whom you can choose not to interact with (and even adults are often dull in a different way - some of them are hyper focused on something so niche that in that regard, in that niche, I'M the child with no experience and no understanding). Children seem to suck up so much of people's time and energy.

There was a post some time in which someone talked about how their small child got into MineCraft. Great, thought he. We can do this together. So they did. Building the exact same building every night, no deviations, just repetition. I suppose it's a more modern version of having to read the exact same storybook every night.

Re: Having Kids

#32

Post by philwelch »

daenz wrote: post #13

>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats. But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organ…

Do you like food? Or sex? Or being at a comfortable temperature? Because those are all programmed into you as an organism, too. Do you enjoy social status? Accomplishing goals? Material prosperity? Same deal. You are an organism and all of your root-level desires and goals are programmed into you by an evolutionary process of self-replicating genes and ideas. You’re not an immaterial ghost of rationality haunting a meat puppet that might hijack your life goals; you are the meat.

Re: Having Kids

#33

Post by sparker72678 »

jimktrains2 wrote: post #16

A bit of this feels like rose coloured glasses. I don't regret having kids, and I love them to death, and even at 2 and 4, they really are interesting to talk to and interact with! However, they're also at times the worst housemates and worst companions there are. As Graham says, kids take a tremendous amount of time and attention, which can be very frustrating. Kids are possibly the greatest inconvenience one can im…

> I mean, it _is_ super awesome, but it also _sucks_ too.

Totally.

In my experience the inconvenience has changed pretty dramatically (for the better) as they've gotten older. Maybe it's just that I don't mind the new inconveniences as much as the old ones, but I do _not_ miss the diaper/toilet training/can't talk/can't get into the car themselves phase.

Re: Having Kids

#34

Post by casion »

I don't have kids.

However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years.

I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly.

The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task.

Realizing this was the biggest boon to my productivity that I've had in my life. Sometimes the kids can increase your output by utilizing their curious/helpful minds or attempting to apply your thoughts in their space.

I'm sure this would be different if it were my children, but I constantly see parents making the mistake of thinking that their thoughts/activities and mutually exclusive to their children's thoughts/activities. They're not.

It does take time to learn to engage and frame your thoughts/activities, but children are only a pure attention sucker if you treat them as a distraction.

Re: Having Kids

#35

Post by sparker72678 »

crimsonalucard wrote: post #7

The experience of having kids involves a relationship that spans something more than 25 years. I remember seeing research done on people that have had the full experience and the overall ratings of happiness were lower.

Citation needed

Re: Having Kids

#36

Post by adrianmonk »

sombremesa wrote: post #17
nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

I don't have kids but from what I know about small children they're likely to be a thousand times more selfish than you.

And the 50 lines of code you hurriedly typed in a flash of inspiration is also likely to not compile. Because it's a project that starts off very rough and requires work to shape it into what it needs to be.

Re: Having Kids

#37

Post by erikerikson »

beilabs wrote: post #19

Thanks for this pg. Scheduled to have two new arrivals in about a months time. Positively shitting it as they are our first arrivals. I don't think anything will prepare me for what lies ahead, feeling apprehensive, worried but looking forward to it none the less. I've no idea how I'll manage time for our team in between diaper changes but I'm sure it'll all just work out for the best. Thinking positively.

It's not always delicate and perfect but you'll do fine. Consider how many other humans have done this successfully before you. Just do what you can without driving yourself and your co-parent(s) crazy and accept that your best might gracefully be a bit different than it used to be.

Re: Having Kids

#38

Post by jimktrains2 »

nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

When my 4 year old comes and wakes me up to ask for breakfast, I can't just tell him to go away, even if I only went to bed 2 hours ago because I sometimes have trouble sleeping.

When he asks me to play with him it breaks my heart when I say no because I'm working. I work from home, so I need to maintain boundaries otherwise I'd always be playing with him.

I feel terrible that I resent him for waking me up early, and really have to work at reminding myself that I don't hold it against him and that I did get up and care for him, even when I didn't want to.

It breaks my heart to disappoint him, but I need to work or he doesn't eat. I also try to actually keep working hours so that I have time to spend with him.

Honestly, just meeting your childrens basic needs as well as you can is being a good parent. We can't be there all the time to do everything possible. We're human; we don't have the time or attention.

As for the chemical change mentioned, the only difference I've ever felt is I get much more sad when something bad happens to a child, but otherwise, I don't think I think I've changed much elsewise. My heart wasn't bursting with joy when either was born, not to say I wasn't happy.

Re: Having Kids

#39

Post by throwaway_moond »

scribu wrote: post #18
nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

Can you explain how being selfish (i.e. wanting to do other things instead of taking care of them) makes you a better parent? It's not at all obvious.

I have a 2 year old. I enjoy playing with and spending time with him, but after some amount of time I get bored, and the time becomes more tedious. If I spend an entire weekend day only spending time with him, I find myself growing resentful and doing things to just pass the time -- like driving him somewhere reasonably far away, just because driving seems more stimulating for me.

But if I carve out a couple of hours for myself and my hobbies, then I'm able to be more present and engaged and better enjoy the time I spend with my son, which I think makes for a better overall experience for both of us.

I also did not feel a sudden transformation when my son is born. It took about seven months for my wife and I to not feel like we had made a major mistake (note that women are also not necessarily transformed immediately, but that it is even less culturally acceptable for them to admit this.) But somewhere around 18 months that warm, protective feeling that pg described kicked in and I don't have any regrets now (but sometimes it's still boring).

Re: Having Kids

#40

Post by spookthesunset »

techer wrote: post #10

Despite not being a parent I am closely observing many of my friends tread this path. To all I can only say: You are more important than your children - for their sakes!

I would slightly rephrase to say you cannot truly take good care of your children unless you take good care of yourself.

It’s similar to the phrase “you can’t truly love somebody until you love yourself”

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