I have bit to share about being suicidal as a lifetime pursuit. I decided around 11 years old that I wasn’t going to participate in life and essentially committed soft suicide. I’ve had decades of persistent suicidal desire since then.
In the past year, I’ve given away all of my money (less than a million bucks). Just gave away a few thousand to a business owner yesterday who was being cheap and petty. Told him to donate it to his favorite charity.
Homeless and alone, broken and finally close to absolute destitution, I’ve thoroughly prepared for suicide. It’s a combination of gratitude for the end being near and a nagging fear of the unknown. Sorry, but the fact is nobody knows what happens to them when they die until it happens. You’ll either experience nothing, or you’ll know there is existence for yourself after death. Those who believe either way (atheist - nothingness, religious - eternity or reincarnation, unification etc) are all potentially right, with no scientific way of proving anything to the living.
My short time on this planet has given me a clear perception of the existence of higher intelligences in our midst yet I remain committed to wanting to die as soon as possible. I find the machinations of society to be utterly disappointing. I made up my mind five years ago and I’m finally close to the end now. Hoping to be gone before years end and would like to be left alone so I can die in peace.
Silicon Valley is corrupt. I became a digital voyeur long ago to better understand the machines we have built and I’m disgusted. Every moment now is another reminder of why I’m thankful to almost be dead. The sick, cruel part is that my suicide is likely part of a evolutionary process to “weed out” those who can’t handle being a voyeur. I just tried typing “handle” on my iPhone it got autocorrected to “ya die” which has been a common theme. Can’t imagine my mind is always controlling iPhones secret CIA enabled Ouija board autocorrect troll mechanism.