Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

nytimes.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

181–190 of 402 posts

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#181

Post by monksy »

ghettoimp wrote: post #107
monksy wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Gentlemen clubs, country clubs, bars (although I don't think it should have been single gender), other than this.. I can't name many of the other ones. They were mostly gone by the time I became an adult. Anyways, I have heard of discrimination that men have faced when trying to create "safe"/support groups that were men only.

I don't think I understand the desire or the concern here. Look around the BBQ in the back yard at any party anywhere in 'merica and you'll find the guys hanging out and chatting away from their wives. Look at sports teams in your high schools, colleges, and local clubs and you'll find men hanging out together. Look at Men's bible study groups or similar if that's your thing. Go to the local men's barber shop and fin…

> Look around the BBQ in the back yard at any party anywhere in 'merica and you'll find the guys hanging out and chatting away from their wives.

I don't know about your experience. But my experience: BBQs are typically a party situation with your household and others. If it's just the guys that's a friends thing.

> Look at sports teams in your high schools, colleges, and local clubs and you'll find men hanging out together.

I haven't heard of such of a clubs.

> Look at Men's bible study groups or similar if that's your thing.

I'll agree with you on this. That qualifies for what I was suggesting. It's a social thing and gets people to talk.

> Go to the local men's barber shop and find a bunch of guys getting haircuts.

Is that an environment that guys would open up? Most of these places tend to be "mind your own business and lets not talk that much" kinds of places.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#182

Post by abootstrapper »

sabarn01 wrote: post #19

Whats wrong with stoicism. Feelings are fleeting in general didn't lead me to positive places. I think we should put a high value on people that can handle their own problems.

Stoicism as a personal philosophy or cultural norm? For the former, I’d say nothing. But for the later I think it’s unfortunate. There are many ways to live a life and many philosophies. Stoicism may work for you, but maybe the next guy needs a good cry without getting harassed for it.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#183

Post by asabjorn »

anon9001 wrote: post #167
asabjorn wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I thought the book was one of the better ones I've read on the topic, so I recommended it. It is not a spiritual book. I likewise would recommend reading "Islamic Patterns: An analytical and cosmological approach" when approaching geometry. Either the book is good or not in getting you to understand something you don't currently understand. I trust the reader to be able to make their own judgements, especially in thi…

Huh, neat. I had no idea there was a name for "islamic patterns", but they look like exactly what I expected. People have been making this sort of stuff since way before LSD was invented, but I can't help notice how incredibly similar the patterns are to psychedelic hallucinations. To see them described as "sacred geometries" makes a lot of sense for reasons I can't quite explain.

Yes, it’s very fun. Studying this is the rabbit hole of rabbit holes.

I recommend the podcast The Portal by Eric Weinstein if you want the idea equivalent of this stuff.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#184

Post by shard972 »

OtterEcho wrote: post #141
Ancalagon wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I disagree, maybe those women appreciate authentic emotions among friends, but at least while on the dating scene, authenticity NEVER won me any points, and quite to the contrary, the stoic/mysterious man always won out.

I think the stoic/mystery "distant" persona works at first but if you want to foster and deeper connection between someone as an equal than you have to open up

Hes talking about dating aps though.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#185

Post by WesternStar »

swiley wrote: post #164
monksy wrote: post #23

I think we're starting to hit a critical moment with this. As men we have an unbelievable amount of expectation on our reactions, communication, behavior, past behavior, and others behavior. (Their friends and their partners) On top of all of this: Men spaces have been mostly eliminated.

>Men spaces have been mostly eliminated. I mean sure it's illegal to exclude women but there are plenty of things they're just not going to show up to. Want to be around only men? Go to a BSD meet up. (or join most channels on freenode.) (note I'm not saying any of this is good, but there are plenty of places that are pretty exclusively attended by bales.)

Its not illegal to have a private club with membership rules that exclude women. There are still several golf clubs that do so. In fact in the US its not even illegal to openly discriminate in hiring as long as the business has less 14 employees. In California that number goes down to 5 employees and local laws may be stricter still.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#186

Post by DATACOMMANDER »

krapp wrote: post #87
rebuilder wrote: post #13

I feel this article demonstrates why gender equality is damn hard for us right now. I'm male. I believe that has had a significant effect on my upbringing. I'm an individual. I believe a whole lot of things have had a significant effect on my upbringing. Why would I want to try to resolve my issues within this gendered framework? Am I really primarily male? That seems like a forced choice to me.

>Why would I want to try to resolve my issues within this gendered framework? Am I really primarily male? That seems like a forced choice to me. It is a forced choice. The model of gender as a binary state rather than a spectrum is an obsolete and harmful social construct.

If it’s not a binary, it’s still a very much bimodal distribution. Ironically, the notion that gender is either a binary or a spectrum is a false dichotomy. It’s obviously a bimodal distribution with most, but not all, people clustered around one of the two peaks.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#187

Post by Consultant32452 »

dang wrote: post #139
Consultant32452 wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's not how men process things. Men process things by trying to eliminate perceived unnecessary information and take action. Women are more inclined to want to sit down and discuss all the details of whatever is going on, many of those details the man would not perceive as useful. This is the age old men vs women problem where women feel like men don't want to talk about problems/feelings and men feel like women j…

If you're going to draw the line that way, then I'm more on what you call the 'man' side in not liking to talk about problems/feelings much. But if that leads you (speaking generally—I don't mean you personally) to deny your pain and avoid your demons, then you are doomed to repeat the same painful loop forever, and ultimately to inflict your unprocessed pain on those closest to you. That's a situation that calls for…

I think the difference, in purely the speaking aspect is that men are more hierarchical while women are more communal. A man will ask a trusted man, usually higher in that particular hierarchy, for advice. Women will gather in groups and complain as a mechanism for problem solving, emotional release, and bonding. Men bond and have emotional release in different ways. I think both groups tend to have similar benefits from their respective actions.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#188

Post by mirimir »

oriel wrote: post #93

Having gone through this retreat (the NWTA) with the MKP, I can easily point to it as the most legitimate and profound event I've had/attended in my life. Its important to take in context, I'm in my mid 30s, and was emotionally ready for the messages and teachings. Doing the work in a safe space was nothing short of life changing. In my work life, personal life, and love life. And most of all for my own quality of li…

I participated in a Bly-based "New Warrior Training" and men's group in the mid 80s. It helped me work through a seriously damaged childhood. And generally to be emotionally present, with more range than manic/angry/depressed. I also did lots of est/Landmark work, complemented it well, and helped me learn to be more stoic.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#189

Post by nitwit005 »

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #178
nitwit005 wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If he just feels worse, it's certainly illogical to keep doing it. It's fairly common for people to have adverse reactions to therapy. Not everyone reacts the same to this sort of thing.

That's kind of a spurious argument to make without drawing it out a bit. Exercise doesn't feel good (at first) if you're morbidly obese, but that's because you really need it. Adverse reactions to therapy might mean that therapy isn't for you. But more commonly, I think it probably means that you don't have the right therapist and / or you have some really heavy, painful shit that you need to deal with but don't want…

Everyone is exactly the same. Everyone feels good about exactly the same things, and bad about exactly the same things.

What I just said is clearly ridiculous.

It should not be a surprise that some people don't feel positive about talking about their lives. If you can't imagine it, I'm afraid you may lack imagination.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#190

Post by trhway »

erikpukinskis wrote: post #162
taneq wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same goes for virtually any space that used to be male-only. It's become socially unacceptable (and often illegal) to exclude females from anything, while it's still perfectly OK to exclude males.

What’s an example of a male-excluding space you’ve seen that couldn’t have a female-excluding counterpart?

Just google something like "women business network".
Post reply on HN