Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#31

Post by floren » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:25 PM UTC

sabarn01 wrote: post #19

Whats wrong with stoicism. Feelings are fleeting in general didn't lead me to positive places. I think we should put a high value on people that can handle their own problems.

Seneca said in his third letter to Lucilius, "Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself." I have one friend with whom I'll speak this boldly--some men have no-one. (I also think more women are in this position than society may assume)

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#32

Post by castlecrasher2 » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:27 PM UTC

Consultant32452 wrote: post #20

Am I the only one who sees men sharing their feelings all the time? To me it seems like men simply process things differently than women, so women and the feminized psychiatry field don't recognize it's happening. We live in an age where men are being villainized at every turn, and this is just another way men are being told they don't measure up... because they aren't sharing in a way that women recognize. With all…

> because they aren't sharing in a way that women recognize

Agreed. The conspiracy theory part of me wonders if this is a natural way of challenging and verifying perceived strength, thus the trope of a wife accusing the husband of not talking about his feelings enough.

Not to say that's the only time it happens (I've asked my wife basically just this), but I think part of being human is to want a stable, emotional foundation so to speak. And once we've tested and verified a leader/friend/family member who appears to be strong in ways we are not we then rely on them to help us in that regard.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#33

Post by asabjorn » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:27 PM UTC

There is much beauty and wonder in the interplay between as well as within the genders. However, men are not imperfect women that would be improved if we adopted the other genders mannerisms. We both need to be open to listening to each other when providing the loving support that we want and need.

This article seem to be written by an ideologically inclined woman. A woman trying to understand the men in her life better might be helped more . by reading: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594151121/ref=dbs_a_def_r...

A man trying to understand the women in his life better might be helped by reading: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1601425740/ref=dbs_a_def_r...

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#34

Post by Consultant32452 » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:30 PM UTC

johnny22 wrote: post #29

Consultant32452 wrote: post #20

Am I the only one who sees men sharing their feelings all the time? To me it seems like men simply process things differently than women, so women and the feminized psychiatry field don't recognize it's happening. We live in an age where men are being villainized at every turn, and this is just another way men are being told they don't measure up... because they aren't sharing in a way that women recognize. With all…

Men aren't sharing feelings in a way I understand most of the time, and I'm one of them. I could never get my friends to truly open up unless it was a one on one conversation.

That's not how men process things. Men process things by trying to eliminate perceived unnecessary information and take action. Women are more inclined to want to sit down and discuss all the details of whatever is going on, many of those details the man would not perceive as useful.

This is the age old men vs women problem where women feel like men don't want to talk about problems/feelings and men feel like women just want to blabber on without ever solving anything.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#35

Post by joeyrideout » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:31 PM UTC

honkycat wrote: post #22

sabarn01 wrote: post #19

Whats wrong with stoicism. Feelings are fleeting in general didn't lead me to positive places. I think we should put a high value on people that can handle their own problems.

No man is an island. And it is hard to know if you ARE "handling your own problems" when you do not seek other people's input. "Handling your own problems" a lot of the time means "making other people responsible for my emotional well being." I do love stoicism though and I think meditation and stoicism are excellent paths to understanding yourself and managing your internal state.

I generally take "[h]andling your own problems" to mean taking responsibility for your own problems.

I'm seeing a lot of agreement in this thread, though. Healthy, deep relationships with family and close friends are important to keep you grounded, and therapy can help everyone. Many seemingly desirable positions of status that men and women strive for involve incredible amounts of stress, and people naturally have differing levels of stress tolerance, so at some point self-knowledge becomes very valuable. Having good people around you is a great way to build that self-knowledge.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#36

Post by [deleted] » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:35 PM UTC

bmarquez wrote: post #3

I participated in men's work, not specifically the ManKind Project but a closely related organization. I personally found it helpful doing weekly check-ins and having people holding me accountable to my goals. Unfortunately, the stigma regarding men sharing feelings is prevalent in western society, and it's not only the men causing it. When I told several female friends about the work they did, their response was: "A…

[deleted]

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#37

Post by perlgod » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:37 PM UTC

I wouldn’t take this as a representative sample of all men.

In my experience, sharing feelings makes me feel worse and substantially reduces my appeal to others. I prefer to just deal with my problems logically and avoid such navel gazing.

Re: Men Are Waiting to Share Some Feelings (2018)

#38

Post by mindv0rtex » Fri, Sep 27, 2019, 9:39 PM UTC

sabarn01 wrote: post #19

Whats wrong with stoicism. Feelings are fleeting in general didn't lead me to positive places. I think we should put a high value on people that can handle their own problems.

Stoicism is not about suppressing feelings though, it is about realizing that the ones you have are inconsequential and should not control you. But while you are trying to rein them in, the solution is not to simply bear them in silence. If you have someone who can help you on the path to equanimity, you should feel free to share feelings with them.