This is beautifully written.
The use of dialogue to illustrate the point was great.
One suspects the author is a big fan of Gödel Escher Bach.
The Church of Interruption
41–50 of 151 posts
Re: The Church of Interruption
#42Earlier quoted context omitted.
It’s less about speaking briefly per se, and more about assuming that the other person understands what you are saying, and saying no more than necessary to convey the message. Some people will keep elaborating some point until told to stop, whereas others will assume the other person understood without any explicit evidence that is true. I have found that in practice whether speakers assume their listeners understan…
I had a team mate once who would go on and on and on explaining the same point over and over and elaborating a million different ways and it was extremely frustrating because not once would there ever be a break in his speech to give others the chance to ask questions (so he'd explain what we actually didn't understand) or to reply and move the conversation along. It was quite frustrating. Many of us resorted to talk…
I had a similar coworker. Worse still because they were a junior who couldn't yield the floor to anyone, regardless of seniority. Their eyes would become a little bewildered as anyone talked over them (read as 'everyone') and they never seemed to grasp what was happening. This piece gives me a better model for understanding them; just a lost soul deep in the church of civility to the point of affliction.
Re: The Church of Interruption
#43Some people keep talking for a long time unless interrupted. They might even go in an infinite loop, reconfirming what they already said! For such people, while normally meek I force myself to interrupt!
Re: The Church of Interruption
#44I'm an interrupter, and so are many of my colleagues, but there are a few people in the office who are not, and they don't enjoy our meetings.
And just hazarding a guess, I suspect women transfer out of the group at the first opportunity.
Alice makes a multipart statement about topics one and two.
Bob replies to topic two and starts to segue to topic three.
Carol has something important to say about topic one.
What is Carol supposed to do? Let the entire chain play out, then transition back to topic one when there's an opening? I know people can be bitter about interruption, but in my experience you get a prompt and decisive smackdown for trying to backtrack, especially when pressed for time. It seems important to get your point in while it's relevant. Interruption of the form, "hey, before we move on, can we talk about X" seems to be the way do that.
How would you handle this situation?
I'm especially interested in this, because interruption and other conversational "traffic control" flow much less naturally on international video conferences, and our remote meetings tend to be stressful and chaotic messes. Short of a formal, parliamentarian moderator, it's not clear how to make these better.
Re: The Church of Interruption
#45I'm an interrupter, by nature. And I also have a tendency to talk when I'm nervous. As TFA says, I'm fine with other interrupters. We have great conversations. We start finishing each others thoughts. But otherwise, not so great.
Probably the best insight that I got from group therapy was being told that I needed to learn when to shut up. So I've learned to be adaptive. And when I'm nervous, I've learned to draw people out.
Re: The Church of Interruption
#46I feel like I'm getting worse at communicating as I get older. My former partner kept telling me I don't listen. Which resulted in my thinking "What, what does that even mean?". To this day I am still trying to learn how to listen. I am also very much aware I am an interrupter. I know how bad this is and even so it is still hard to stop. I also interrupt when I am excited and enthusiastic and when I like the person I…
“You’re not listening” often means something like “I am feeling some strong emotion (anger, frustration, sadness, ...) but you are not validating my feelings, and that lack of validation itself feels like rejection.”
Even something as simple as echoing back someone’s statements, or saying “it seems like you are feeling angry because ...” can make a large difference. Once you have shown that you understand and can name or describe the person’s feelings it is often much easier to discuss possible solutions to practical problems. But if you jump straight to offering practical advice, that is often unwelcome.
(Of course, it might sometimes literally mean “you’re not listening”, which probably needs a different remedy.)
Let me recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk even if you never talk to kids.
Re: The Church of Interruption
#47Earlier quoted context omitted.
Is there any reason to think women are less likely to be interrupters than men? I'm thinking of this in the context of my mother, who is let's say a well-established interrupter.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2017/06/14/busi...
I've definitely witnessed this, but I think these are two separate phenomena of "interruption". The COI refers to a case where I interrupt because I understand and I don't require additional elaboration. The way I've often seen women interrupted is more like the interrupter wasn't really listening to the speaker at all and is just arbitrarily taking control of the conversation.
Re: The Church of Interruption
#48I'm an interrupter, by nature. And I also have a tendency to talk when I'm nervous. As TFA says, I'm fine with other interrupters. We have great conversations. We start finishing each others thoughts. But otherwise, not so great. Probably the best insight that I got from group therapy was being told that I needed to learn when to shut up. So I've learned to be adaptive. And when I'm nervous, I've learned to draw peop…
> the best insight that I got from group therapy was being told that I needed to learn when to shut up.
A respected manager that I really looked up to once gave me very similar advice. “When you have the answer, know the solution, can understand the problem, can see other’s mistakes? Just shut up.”
Fifteen years later, I have...improved somewhat.
Re: The Church of Interruption
#49I believe that there is also cultural factor.
Some are famous for interrupting often (in France for instance), whilst for others it is the opposite. It can also be related to the language, e.g. in German or Japanese the verb is at the end of the sentence. Because of that, one need at least to wait for the person to finish the sentence to understand it.
That being said, you surely find German interrupters, and French adepts of the Strong Civility, but maybe in different proportions.