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Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

thetimes.co.uk

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Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#381

Post by Abishek_Muthian »

Ma8ee wrote: post #290
Abishek_Muthian wrote: post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're correct, by your definition I'm both alone and lonely. Lonely makes me sad but has improved productivity, where as socializing gave me what I would describe as 'Short term happiness which seemed fake & ridden with guilt later'.

Why is high productivity important to you? This is an honest question.

I was running a startup quite successfully for 5 years as a single founder, single executive from an environment without a startup ecosystem. I recruited and trained employees personally; productivity became a necessity and a habit.

Had to close the startup due to physical health problems, now that I'm rebuilding my life I guess productivity has become more important.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#382

Post by wyclif »

rad_gruchalski wrote: post #146
throwawawathrow wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an American thing. I'm European, 27 and I'm regularly shocked after conversing with people my age on the other continent casually mentioning their 'husband' or 'wife and kids'.

It’s not an American thing. It’s like this everywhere. Poland, England, Germany, uSA, Ireland, Australia. Everywhere.

"Everywhere", meaning the Western developed world.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#383

Post by orasis »

scarface74 wrote: post #304
intrasight wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think there is a social taboo - I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. I've found that if you are clear that you just want to be friends then there is no discomfort, and they will treat you nearly exactly the same as they treat there female friends. They will share their feelings, their concerns, their aspirations. That what needs to…

The issue with having “platonic” female friends is that it can easily lead to emotionally infidelity and trust issues anytime there is a hint of any issues with your marriage. Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard enough without bringing in that complication. My only female friends these days are married and we are “couple friends”.

This may be good advice in general but it’s not a problem for us. I have a pretty good radar for when emotional intimacy starts to cross a line and I’m comfortable communicating boundaries.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#384

Post by tnecniv »

jcims wrote: post #33
paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

I sometimes wonder if I’m broken when I see comments like yours, which seem heartfelt and correct and as it should be (the desire for friendships that is). Maybe it’s because my wife and kids fill the void, but I just have no interest in making or maintaining friendships. My wife has a really cool coworker that tries to get me out of the house but i just kinda flop on him. I live in a secluded spot that you can’t see…

My parents were like this. I ended up feeling resentful of their attitude as a kid. They whenever I changed schools, it took me a long time to make friends because I didn't have good examples to follow. Even when I did, I always felt like the odd one out because all my friends parents hung out together, but I wasn't invited since my parents had no social interests.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#385

Post by fragmede »

lolinder wrote: post #371
lonelappde wrote: post #338

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Facebook has its sins but is this really one of them? Facebook supports small, controlled, geographically focused groups.

Supports maybe, but doesn't encourage or promote them. The money is in the endless news feed from your 300+ acquaintances, not in quiet, thoughtful conversation between a group of close friends.

Of course it can't promote them. All of the best groups are secret, and with good reason. They are spread via word of mouth which allows group admins to vet new users. Facebook even added a flow to support a "before you join, submit your answers these questions" workflow.

Maybe that's not where the money is, but these private groups are so sticky that I don't currently see any alternative. People already know how to use Facebook, they don't know how to use Discord or Slack.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#386

Post by greggman2 »

lolinder wrote: post #371
lonelappde wrote: post #338

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Facebook has its sins but is this really one of them? Facebook supports small, controlled, geographically focused groups.

Supports maybe, but doesn't encourage or promote them. The money is in the endless news feed from your 300+ acquaintances, not in quiet, thoughtful conversation between a group of close friends.

I found it's trivally easy to "unfollow" 280 of those 300+ acquaintances and suddenly my newsfeed isn't so bad

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#387

Post by Consultant32452 »

ivalm wrote: post #199
throwaway66920 wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Pay is not the same for a variety of reasons. You have one employer, you have infinite potential friends. Pay concerns are also normalized to things like your job, your education, and experience. If men have fewer friends then must be because they don’t know how to make new friends, they don’t put in the effort to make new friends, or they don’t have the time to make new friends. While the latter may be a genuine con…

Or because societal norms arent conducive to forming new male friendships?

I think the language we use these days is called systemic bias.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#388

Post by jriot »

throwawawathrow wrote: post #173
rad_gruchalski wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s not an American thing. It’s like this everywhere. Poland, England, Germany, uSA, Ireland, Australia. Everywhere.

Lol no it's not. Mean age when having one's first child is 29+ among EU women: https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/web/products-eurostat-news/-/D... Also keep in mind that this age is inversely correlated with education level, so among the typical HN crowd and their social circles (among which I expect people often have a college degree or even a PhD) it's even higher.

I have two advanced degrees, my wife has a bachelors degree, and we've been married since we were 21/20 (now both 34) and have two school-aged kids.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#389

Post by asdff »

maximente wrote: post #322
mercutio2 wrote: post #274

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know lots and lots of people in very similar situations to what Mediterraneo described. I’m not sure if I’d describe it as common, but having a partner who either directly, or passively aggressively, undermines your ability to maintain external friendships is a very real phenomenon. It’s certainly not a healthy pattern, but it’s also pretty understandable. Relationships of all sorts need care and feeding. Sometimes…

yeah that's really interesting, i'm wondering if you're in the US (or that's where your friends are) in my experience in the US couples tend to basically turn into a military style cornered unit with an us vs the world attitude as soon as children come, where the focus becomes some mix of family:work to the exclusion of all other activities, to include hobbies, fitness, eating right, etc. i hear jokes about "date nig…

Part of it is the difficulty of the spread out suburban living situation. Growing up, most of my parents friends lived around 15-30 mins away by car. If they lived on the opposite side of town, an hour drive or so, we basically never saw them outside of big events like graduations or weddings.

In college, it was easy for me to maintain a lot of close knit relationships. No one was any farther than a 20 minute walk, usually half that, which made drinking pretty painless too. Bars, movies, food was all in between, and cheap.

Now I live in LA for grad school, and getting people in my classes to hang out on the weekends is like pulling teeth. As dense as the city is, it basically functions as one massive suburb from back east. Everyone is at least 20 minutes by car in every direction, there is zero parking, one of the worst bike lane networks in the U.S., and rarely a transit line. There's also the costs of doing literally anything. A night out could be $30 in ubers alone, and it doesn't help that I've yet to find a well drink in LA for under $10 that wasn't watered down. It's a recipe for apathy. At least hiking is free.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#390

Post by AstralStorm »

crimsonalucard wrote: post #380
garmaine wrote: post #198

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m an introvert. People drain me. I find fulfillment in the world around me and my hobbies. I’m on HN not to be social but to learn things. I don’t need validation from others. I don’t hate human interaction either. I have friends. I just don’t NEED them, and don’t need to go seeking them or be especially close.

I would say you're the biological anomaly. Humans are social creatures. Much or our society is defined by our achievements as a group then individually. I would say the op very accurately describes a general problem.

Calling north of 16% of world population an anomaly stinks of racism.

Most people are not extroverts either, but extroverts in western culture get a pat on the back and a raise. Not as much elsewhere.

It's not a binary variable, but a spectrum.

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