Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#171

Post by patrickdavey » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 3:38 AM UTC

This is not answering your question, but, I once did an Outward Bound course (basically personal development in the outdoors). Anyway, there was this interesting scene they did where they made us line up depending on how much we agreed/disagreed on a particular topic. They then made us debate with our opposites. That is, the most agreeing and most disagreeing people had to debate.

I was one of the people who "most disagreed" and my "opponent" got to go first. I had to listen to her for 3 minutes or so. At the end of her speaking time, I assumed that I would get to go BUT _I had to repeat what she'd been saying_.

It was an incredibly enlightening moment, it pointed out very clearly that really, most of the time I wasn't listening to what she was saying, I was trying to work out how to rebut what she'd said.

I also hate it when people talk over me, I do wonder how well they're listening or if they're just trying to get their point across.

I'll follow this thread, thanks for asking the question.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#172

Post by SkyMarshal » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 3:39 AM UTC

First, try reframing everything you have to say as a question. People like ones you describe tend to be more responsive to questions, it plays to their ego.

So if someone makes a loud assertion you know is wrong, ask a series of leading questions like a trial lawyer would that takes them down the path of realizing it's wrong (or at least takes everyone else listening down that path).

Second, check out the book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense [1]. It may help.

Third, are you a woman perchance? This is an especially common problem for women. If so, find a company with a better culture. They're out there, and not worth your energy to try and change this one.

[1]:https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/133203.The_Gentle_Art_of...

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#173

Post by karmakaze » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 3:42 AM UTC

glenvdb wrote: post #131

It's a bit "kid-ish", but I've seen it work effectively at combating what you're talking about. Have some kind of object that a person holds while they're talking. While the person is holding the object no one else is allowed to speak. Once they're finished speaking the object is passed to the next person and they get their turn (if they want). The object can be anything, but when I've seen this strategy used it was…

The conch shell from Lord of the Flies. During weekly town halls we have a plush wireless microphone cube that we toss from the current speaker to the next.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#174

Post by jasonpeacock » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 3:55 AM UTC

voodootrucker wrote: post #72

jasonpeacock wrote: post #43

Others have suggested a talking stick, and I'll improve on that - a talking stick + timer. Because you need to enforce both 1 person talking at time, and time box them. Even better, you make the timer be the talking stick. Every time you hand off the timer, you reset it for the next person. They say their piece and reset/handoff to the next person. I've done this for daily standups/sprint meetings where things were g…

You propose a valid technical solution. Sadly it involves infrastructure and ceremony. I would think it preferable to grow the social skills of the team so that these aren't required.

Sometimes it involves infrastructure and ceremony to grow the social skills of a group (church, school, team sports, board games, etc :)

Usually the team learns from the tools and the tools naturally stop being used when they are no longer needed.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#175

Post by knowingathing » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 4:02 AM UTC

I was once in a meeting with a total of four people (including myself) where the other three people were all talking at once. I felt embarrassed for all of them but they just ploughed ahead for a while. So strange... I don't understand how people operate this way.

Thank you so much for posting this.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#176

Post by danieltillett » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 4:06 AM UTC

I am prone to cutting off slow thinkers. The type that you know exactly what they are going to say for the next minute - yep I got that so can we move on to your next point. It is a bad habit and I try to control it, but sometimes I slip up.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#177

Post by gdgvf_q13ffd » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 4:12 AM UTC

andrewcarter wrote: post #15

I have a problem cutting people off- I get way to excited about what I want to say and jump in. I really appreciate when people call me out and don't take it personally. I also try to work on it and try to help steer the conversation to other people who have been cut off when I see it happen. So IMO don't be afraid to politely just let someone know! If you don't feel comfortable during the meeting, maybe speak with t…

Andrew, if you work at LinkedIn in 950, I have a request. Not sure if you realize this, but you talk very loudly around your desk. In the open work setting, this is very annoying and makes it hard for other coworkers to focus. Please tone it down, or just find a conference room.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#178

Post by jtms » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 4:12 AM UTC

oneepic wrote: post #31

Blackstone4 wrote: post #22

Always finish what you have to say even if others start trying to talk over you. If you stop it makes it look like what you have to say is not important. Check out this YouTube video titled: How to stop people from talking over you. https://youtu.be/ikAfrKf5A8I The YouTube channel Charisma on Command have a bunch of great videos on EQ.

I'm not really a huge fan of that channel in terms of the political content and overall presentation of each topic. But more to the point, this advice can really backfire -- maybe it will become a contest of who can speak the loudest, and you'll wind up confusing and pissing everyone off. I think I still lean towards talking to a manager as a more effective strategy, and a culture where management lets this kind of t…

Hmm, I watched a few of his videos and just saw some really great advice on how to be a better, more empowered, stronger person - not sure what "political content" you are referring to.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#179

Post by drewcoo » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 4:28 AM UTC

Consider that the people who behave like that might think they're the polite ones. They listen actively and feel deeply engaged. They see conversation as something everyone participates in; contributes to. From the coworkers' perspective it might seem rude for someone to apparently not listen and just wait their turn to speak, acting as if they think what they have to say is more important than whatever conversation is happening around them. I'm not saying it is that way. I'm just trying to suggest one more charitable way of looking at it.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#180

Post by jtms » Wed, Jul 17, 2019, 4:34 AM UTC

solipsism wrote: post #86

jtms wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this is a VERY hard thing to learn, but I am trying it. Sometimes it just requires more concentration and determination than I can muster. Also the person doing the interrupting will occasionally accuse YOU of interrupting them. I hate feeling bullied by interrupters so I am constantly working to master any and all tactics for shutting down what I see as this rude/disrespectful/disruptive behavior.

Why? This is passive aggressive. Am I taking crazy pills? What's the problem with just politely saying, "Can you please not interrupt?" or "Let me finish my point please."

Are you sure this tactic isn't just aggressive aggressive? Not letting someone steam roll you doesn't exactly seem passive to me.