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Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

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Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#151

Post by toomuchtodo »

hestipod wrote: post #147
ixtli wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There might not even be anything you can do if its systemic! Honestly as I get older (im 32) i find how fucking lucky i was to have been brought up in a really really strong family (half is italian, half is european jewish.) Its amazing the degree to which this has helped me be a normal person with good coping mechanisms.

I've always been envious of such families. Only one person in my family was really a quality person, and he passed long ago. I moved abroad for a time to a country where families are closer and while it was exhausting and intense in it's own way after my childhood, it was amazingly "safe" feeling. The relationship that brought me into that fold is gone, and while I don't miss my partner, I miss those people in their…

You might consider reaching out to that family and exploring if you can be friends without the relationship that brought them into your orbit. No downside to asking.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#152

Post by hestipod »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #151
hestipod wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've always been envious of such families. Only one person in my family was really a quality person, and he passed long ago. I moved abroad for a time to a country where families are closer and while it was exhausting and intense in it's own way after my childhood, it was amazingly "safe" feeling. The relationship that brought me into that fold is gone, and while I don't miss my partner, I miss those people in their…

You might consider reaching out to that family and exploring if you can be friends without the relationship that brought them into your orbit. No downside to asking.

I live in a different country now and it's difficult to maintain long distance relationships in the best circumstances. When I lived there and saw them on the street (I lived nearby) it was always nice and they are wonderful people, but there was no way to have a relationship beyond that as my ex, the replacement relationship, and child that followed, were their family then, not me. It's always in the back of my mind as I adored the family and they treated me like one of them. It's just how it goes.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#153

Post by Rapidfir3 »

I always read this threads wondering if there's something wrong with me. I just never get lonely. It's kinda a scary thought but I feel like I could go my entire my life not needing to socialize. I'm married so I do socialize obviously with her and her family and my family and my friends but I've never felt any desire to be around any of them (except my wife).

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#154

Post by hestipod »

rayiner wrote: post #149
hestipod wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>The default is people like me. I think not finding things in common with young people isn't abnormal. My childhood was miserable partly BECAUSE of the sameness of it all. I find the suburban vanilla Stepford ways soul-killing. I had no exposure to culture. The internet didn't exist yet. I was ignorant and brainwashed in many ways. I felt out of place and like I was a freak because I didn't believe what I was told wa…

Having rich experiences and exploring different ideas is admirable, in some respects, but I'm not convinced that's a good basis for sustainable, tight-knit communities. Your choice of phraseology is interesting--parents "infecting" kids with their ideologies. Most people would consider it a key function of parenting (and society) to socialize children in the community's values, rules, and orthodoxies. One of the thin…

If the sustainable tight knit community is awash with horrible "values" like racism, homophobia, xenophobia, tribal bigotry and arrogance etc then I don't want to be a part of it. It's perpetuating the wrong things in my view and is like any bureaucracy just existing to serve itself. Kids should be taught the basics of human decency like honesty/empathy/kindness/sharing/helping etc, and then allowed to arrive at any specific spiritual or political views themselves through varied experience, not indoctrinated from a malleable age into mini-mes who never know anything else, as is usually the case in areas like I mentioned above.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#155

Post by rayiner »

hestipod wrote: post #154
rayiner wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having rich experiences and exploring different ideas is admirable, in some respects, but I'm not convinced that's a good basis for sustainable, tight-knit communities. Your choice of phraseology is interesting--parents "infecting" kids with their ideologies. Most people would consider it a key function of parenting (and society) to socialize children in the community's values, rules, and orthodoxies. One of the thin…

If the sustainable tight knit community is awash with horrible "values" like racism, homophobia, xenophobia, tribal bigotry and arrogance etc then I don't want to be a part of it. It's perpetuating the wrong things in my view and is like any bureaucracy just existing to serve itself. Kids should be taught the basics of human decency like honesty/empathy/kindness/sharing/helping etc, and then allowed to arrive at any…

Few tight-knit communities would consider those to be "values" (i.e. beliefs that are core to identity). Your view is also a bit of "throwing the baby out with the bath water." Humanity has lots of vices, and those vices are often amplified in tight-knit communities. But those shortcomings can be improved without undermining the social order or adopting pernicious individualism.

Again, I can't help but notice the irony of your assertion. What is the virtue in not being xenophobic against Bangladeshis, if you're going to condemn the way they structure their communities and raise their children?

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#156

Post by toomuchtodo »

hestipod wrote: post #152
toomuchtodo wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You might consider reaching out to that family and exploring if you can be friends without the relationship that brought them into your orbit. No downside to asking.

I live in a different country now and it's difficult to maintain long distance relationships in the best circumstances. When I lived there and saw them on the street (I lived nearby) it was always nice and they are wonderful people, but there was no way to have a relationship beyond that as my ex, the replacement relationship, and child that followed, were their family then, not me. It's always in the back of my mind…

I'm sorry to hear that.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#157

Post by dang »

homonculus1 wrote: post #148
AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can buy that. I thought it would be obvious what I meant from simply having read the words "paradox of choice" earlier in the sentence. Of course, that doesn't explain how anyone could have seriously thought that "Person of Color" made any sense at all in this context...

You're getting warmer!

Could you please stop posting unsubstantive comments to Hacker News?

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#158

Post by munificent »

stirfrykitty wrote: post #125
munificent wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think I'm in a similar state as you. I loved living alone. Then I got married and had kids, so now I have three roommates, two of which frequently need interaction/help/etc. I crave solitude. The most blissful vacation I can imagine is just being alone in a cabin on a lake sitting coffee and reading. I spent two days driving to see the 2016 eclipse and living in my truck alone and it was absolute bliss. At the same…

That was a fantastic post. I feel exactly the same way. My kids sometimes feel too needy. Oftentimes I never get the desired downtime. My wife got mad at me one day and said "You need to listen to Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle. Then come talk with me." It's a shock to listen to that song, because it's true. It would be easy to end up like that and no one want it.

Ha, I think about that song easily once every couple of months.

It's a very challenging balancing act especially in today's America which expects parents to spend tons of time with their kids.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#159

Post by brlewis »

twoheadedboy wrote: post #114
MiroF wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Guys, you need to move the frick out of the suburbs. They're soul-killing. Cities are also atomized, but not to this extent. They're vibrant, booming, the schools are fine/good, and in my opinion, far worth the cut to house size.

Completely disagree. I don't think humans are meant to live in cities. Something about being around that many people and ongoings makes me and from what I can tell a lot of other people, on edge so to speak. I grew up in a suburb and it was not at all isolating. We had close communities and nearby family. I was friends with kids on my block and had freedom to explore and be independent. I would say technology is what…

Does your first paragraph apply to smaller cities like Boston?

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#160

Post by munificent »

jbattle wrote: post #130
stirfrykitty wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That was a fantastic post. I feel exactly the same way. My kids sometimes feel too needy. Oftentimes I never get the desired downtime. My wife got mad at me one day and said "You need to listen to Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle. Then come talk with me." It's a shock to listen to that song, because it's true. It would be easy to end up like that and no one want it.

I've always thought the best thing would be to have a time-travel machine. You could spend a day with your kids as infants and enjoy it. The next day you could spend with them as teens and enjoy it. Then the third day spend with them as 11 year-olds and enjoy it. Each of those ages are incredible and filled with irreplaceable experiences. It's easy to get jaded when you move through them so slowly.

What I wouldn't give to be able to bank days for my future self.

"You know, I feel like having a me day. I'll hand this one off to 60-year-old me."

My 60-year-old self magically time travels in and has a blast with the kids he hasn't seen as children in decades. Meanwhile I get to relax. Then, twenty years from now, when the nest is cold and empty, the memories of my kids' childhood is fading, and I long to feel their little arms wrapped around me, I get zipped back in time to live a whole day of it afresh.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Sometimes it feels like parenting is wasted on young parents too.

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