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Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

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Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#81

Post by drdeadringer »

stirfrykitty wrote: post #37

I may be in the minority, but the older I get the more I want to be alone. I love my wife and kids, but there is almost too much pressure anymore to do this, do that. There are too many hands on my time. I recharge only when alone. I cannot do it with the TV on, kids in the background, etc. It's one of the reasons I like hunting. Just me and the great outdoors. I really like getting up at 0430 and being in the deer b…

> It's one of the reasons I like hunting. Just me and the great outdoors.

Recently I watched the Liam Neeson version of "Cold Pursuit".

In its honesty and humor, both of which I appreciate to no end, Neeson's character's wife opines in grief on their dead son. "Did you even know his favorite movie? All of those hunting trips, what did you talk about?!?"

"... Hunting."

So very true and honest in many respects.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#82

Post by BurningFrog »

whateveracct wrote: post #30
ixtli wrote: post #17

As an anecdote, I've lived the majority of my life in America (born and raised middle class on the east coast in a wealthy area) and if I was tasked with writing an account of my time here it would be focused around one thing: alienation. American life is atomized and consistently getting more so. For anyone who sits around and thinks about why people are the way they are here I highly encourage you to consider that…

> Most adults I know have a relationship with their immediate family that I would regard as acquaintanceship. America is also _big_, which I think also contributes here. It isn't unusual for family members to move away within America but be far enough that frequent face-to-face interaction isn't possible.

But moving away is a choice to abandon your family.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#83

Post by rb808 »

stirfrykitty wrote: post #37

I may be in the minority, but the older I get the more I want to be alone. I love my wife and kids, but there is almost too much pressure anymore to do this, do that. There are too many hands on my time. I recharge only when alone. I cannot do it with the TV on, kids in the background, etc. It's one of the reasons I like hunting. Just me and the great outdoors. I really like getting up at 0430 and being in the deer b…

I think everyone needs some time by myself. My wife takes the kids home for a few weeks in the summer and I get the house completely to myself. ITS THE BEST THING EVER. Its great to have them back at the end of it though.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#84

Post by cwperkins »

ixtli wrote: post #17

As an anecdote, I've lived the majority of my life in America (born and raised middle class on the east coast in a wealthy area) and if I was tasked with writing an account of my time here it would be focused around one thing: alienation. American life is atomized and consistently getting more so. For anyone who sits around and thinks about why people are the way they are here I highly encourage you to consider that…

I see you say you’ve lived in America and it sounds like you’ve emigrated. May I ask why? I’m also from America and this couldn’t be further from my own experience. I come from a more religious family from the Midwest, but grew up in the suburbs of nyc. Through my community I’ve never felt alone and my dad is actively involved in the church. In nyc amongst the yuppies especially I see a dog eat dog mentality and how everyone is fighting for themselves. But once I step out of the hustle and bustle and go back home, I have the community that is there for me and our family. I don’t intend for this post to be an advertisement for the church, but I think in America it will be more and more important to form a community aspect, like a church, but not a church where people feel like they belong and get to know their neighbors. Without knowing your neighbors and community it’s easy to feel isolated.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#85

Post by Loughla »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #27
ixtli wrote: post #17

As an anecdote, I've lived the majority of my life in America (born and raised middle class on the east coast in a wealthy area) and if I was tasked with writing an account of my time here it would be focused around one thing: alienation. American life is atomized and consistently getting more so. For anyone who sits around and thinks about why people are the way they are here I highly encourage you to consider that…

I agree entirely with this. I can only speak for myself and my wife (mid 30s), but we are making active efforts to combat this in our family and social circle. Our house is large enough to take in parents (parents still have hangups about how "they should be able to take care of themselves and live by themselves"; we'll be waiting if and when they change their mind), extended family, and friends, we host family dinne…

>You are not going to care one bit if you bought that extra widget or got an extra story in on your sprint later in life. Put time into what matters: people

It's such a hack premise, but this actually happened to me - my mother used to work in a nursing home, and required all of her kids to volunteer there when they were old enough (12 to 21 if you still lived at home). My job, as the rambunctious ADHD youth was to give 'wheelchair rides'. Which was where I would push the elderly around the grounds looking at trees and what-not, and just generally being an audience while they talked.

The one thing that literally everyone I gave a ride to, when the topic inevitably turned to death (it always did, old people are so straight up about it) - the absolute only topic that everyone hit on was that they regretted doing 'x' instead of spending time with 'person y'.

I gave wheelchair rides to poor people - who regretted not spending more time with their kids because they were busy working or whatever.

I gave wheelchair rides to rich people - who regretted not spending more time with their kids because they were busy working or whatever.

And that made me into the 'I will work only 40 if that's what is required of me' beast that I am today. In my area of the US, we have a very 1950's 'work until you can't anymore' sort of mentality; the kind where work defines you.

I have left several positions in my career because they refused to understand that my time at home with family and friends is more important than my time at work, and that my time is so much more important to me than any financial incentive they could offer past my base salary.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#86

Post by taborj »

technothrasher wrote: post #59
notus wrote: post #31

This resonates a lot with my experience and reminds me of a short book I read by Sebastian Junger called Tribe. His focus is more on the tribal aspect of military life and that the disassociation with a close knit group or a tribe is part of what leads to PTSD as there are quite a few people who have been in the military who have PTSD despite not ever being in combat. He claims that in smaller tribal communities ment…

If I'm around people after work I generally feel more positive and have less anxiety, but left alone for too long and my anxiety will start to take over. Interesting. I'm the exact opposite. When I have to do things like hang around with people from work for too long, my anxiety increases until I can get away and be alone. I'm not a social recluse, I have a wife and kid, and I enjoy spending time with them, I try to…

I believe this is an "introvert" vs "extrovert" situation. I'm introverted and I'm like you - spending time with folks after work is a chore. I prefer to hang around "known associates" as it were - my wife, my kid, my in-laws, my friends. Spending time with folks outside those circles is draining for me; I dread doing it, and I look forward to getting home again.

However, I have a few folks in my close circles that are clear extroverts. They love going out with people after work, always seem to be somewhere doing something talking to someone. They never want to go home because home is "boring."

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#87

Post by taborj »

shoes_for_thee wrote: post #73
ixtli wrote: post #17

As an anecdote, I've lived the majority of my life in America (born and raised middle class on the east coast in a wealthy area) and if I was tasked with writing an account of my time here it would be focused around one thing: alienation. American life is atomized and consistently getting more so. For anyone who sits around and thinks about why people are the way they are here I highly encourage you to consider that…

> (Americans fetishize a sort of "rugged individualism" where you alone can solve every problem you're faced with or else it's not a real problem) Nearly any attempt paint American Culture with broad strokes is going to fail.. but using absolute terms like you're doing here A) is wildly inaccurate, and B) negatively portrays a pretty neutral personal ideology. I value individualism for the same reasons I devalue conf…

Yes, thank you! This is exactly right.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#88

Post by stirfrykitty »

andreygrehov wrote: post #75
stirfrykitty wrote: post #37

I may be in the minority, but the older I get the more I want to be alone. I love my wife and kids, but there is almost too much pressure anymore to do this, do that. There are too many hands on my time. I recharge only when alone. I cannot do it with the TV on, kids in the background, etc. It's one of the reasons I like hunting. Just me and the great outdoors. I really like getting up at 0430 and being in the deer b…

You are not in the minority. Everyone needs time to be alone. You will start feeling alone when you get back from hunting and nobody is waiting for you.

When I get home Saturday afternoons, I'm mobbed by my sons who are looking forward to riding on the mower. :) It's one of the things we all look forward to: lawn work. I pay my sons to pick up and rake. I pay them to use the blower and take out the trash. I teaching them that they should be paid for their efforts, but also that if they don't work, they don't get paid. One of my sons is eager beaver and on fire for anything physical involving power tools, riding mowers, tractors, 4-wheelers, etc. The other is very cerebral and prefers computers and gaming. I cater to both, liking both myself. I want, more than anything, for my sons (and daughter) to look back on their childhood and say it was really just one big daddy/son and daddy/daughter project that involved fun and learning. I don't coddle my children in any way, shape, or form. I grew up military and still abide in much of that lifestyle. My children know they are loved beyond measure, but they also know they have serious home expectations.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#89

Post by zorked »

whateveracct wrote: post #30
ixtli wrote: post #17

As an anecdote, I've lived the majority of my life in America (born and raised middle class on the east coast in a wealthy area) and if I was tasked with writing an account of my time here it would be focused around one thing: alienation. American life is atomized and consistently getting more so. For anyone who sits around and thinks about why people are the way they are here I highly encourage you to consider that…

> Most adults I know have a relationship with their immediate family that I would regard as acquaintanceship. America is also _big_, which I think also contributes here. It isn't unusual for family members to move away within America but be far enough that frequent face-to-face interaction isn't possible.

So is Europe, Russia, China, India, Brazil, etc. Moving is an option.

Re: Older Americans are alone half their waking hours, on average

#90

Post by BurningFrog »

stirfrykitty wrote: post #37

I may be in the minority, but the older I get the more I want to be alone. I love my wife and kids, but there is almost too much pressure anymore to do this, do that. There are too many hands on my time. I recharge only when alone. I cannot do it with the TV on, kids in the background, etc. It's one of the reasons I like hunting. Just me and the great outdoors. I really like getting up at 0430 and being in the deer b…

You have a wife and kids and a job. You have s full, rich social life, and are not who this discussion is about. Congrats :)
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