[deleted]
Assholes: A Probing Examination
121–130 of 197 posts
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#122Earlier quoted context omitted.
I found that doesn't always work. Telling certain types of asshole directly telling them to piss off directly results in something like "I have _no idea_ what you're talking about? You're being too sensitive. And I find your rude/aggressive/whatever manner offensive...", all the while grinning slightly. Some even feed on the fact that they got you annoyed enough to confront them. With that comes exploiting the notion…
You might need to resort to this kind of childish stuff in grade school, but in the workplace, HR/management needs to step in and take care of it. The professional way to handle it is to directly address the person's behavior once, and then if it continues complain to HR/management in writing.
That's very nice in theory but in many situations ineffective or problematic for the person involving HR, e.g. if the person you're dealing with is your boss, if they're deliberately exploiting the system, if you're working as an external contractor, if HR is incompetent and many more.
Also it places the burden of effort on the target of the abuse vs. addressing the problem at its source, swiftly and quickly.
But anyway what I'm saying is a nuanced argument and comment threads are bad places for that. You already judged it "childish stuff" and I'm sure others think the same so I'll leave it there.
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#123I deal with rather...prickly folks on a daily basis. Nothing like dealing with folks that have multiple violent felonies on their record (and, to be fair, many of them are now extremely decent people) to help develop your "people skills."
I try not to be an asshole, myself, and do try to avoid contact with them, where possible; but we don't always have the luxury of being able to pick those with whom we must interact.
In my experience, I have found that I have a great deal more control over the nature of my interactions than you would expect. If I am dealing with an asshole, I can rather quickly figure out what kinds of things are likely to exacerbate their issues, and avoid those behaviors. Doesn't let them off the hook, but helps me to exert a bit of control over our relationship.
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#124Asshole: people who you don't like. Every interaction with others should make you feel good about yourself otherwise the other person is an asshole. You are never an asshole by definition, of course. Maybe a victim, but asshole -- never. Diversity means having people around who think and behave the same way as you do but have different hairdo or different thing between their legs. Introverted or depressed people are…
There is a straightforward list of specific behaviors early in the article. None of it is defined by how anyone else feels; that's just the effect of someone who engages in that asshole behavior on a regular basis. The next comment down and probably half of the readers are trying to figure out if they're the asshole themselves, so I don't know where you got the idea that "you" are never the asshole. (Sure is great ho…
> "None of it is defined by how anyone else feels"
Number 3 in the list:
Tersely worded group e-mails that make people feel uncomfortable
So literally not true.
And a lot of the other items are only slightly less literal.
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#125> It may seem “unfair” to toy with the idea of losing the assholes, particularly the unintentional assholes. Since they “don’t know better” it seems almost cruel to let them go simply because they’re making everyone around them miserable, and it somehow feels like a smaller request to have 50 people tolerate one asshole’s behavior than to demand one asshole figure out how to not alienate everyone with whom they inter…
Yes, this article felt like reading the rant of a scientologist about 'suppressive persons'...
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#126Hello, my name is Cole and I can be an asshole. The definition posted of an asshole casts a very wide net making discussion difficult. Diversity is important and it isn't just about sex and skin color. People act differently, people have different priorities, confidence varies, life situations outside of work alters behavior as do medical conditions and treatments. Different cultures even in this country value vastly…
> People with Asperger's or otherwise on the autism spectrum can be huge "assholes" by the definitions here. Does autism make you unemployable?
Those "smart assholes" with Asperger I know can be very nice people if being nice is rewarded. But it requires a conscious effort on their side (and fair feedback from those around them). If being an asshole is tolerated, they take the easy route of not caring.
> It is good to be pushed out of your comfort zone in both needing to develop thicker skin AND showing empathy to others' sensibilities but within bounds.
Maybe. But in my experience, most of the "victims" usually don't speak up. It is those with an already much thicker skin, the ones that don't shy away from a confrontation, who bring up the topic.
EDIT: I overall object to the label of "asshole". Insulting people with toxic behavior is toxic in itself.
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#127I have one RIGHT NOW that I'm working on trying to dismiss. SHE is such a PITA. The way we're doing this to put it on paper is to do a "performance improvement plan."
This, this, this needs to be done by this time.
If not, this will happen.
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#128To me, the definition of an asshole is slightly different. An asshole is someone who acts out every social interaction on the principle of "dominate or be dominated". It's the lack of a middle ground that makes an asshole, so that people can't just go into an interaction being each other's peers, and also finish the interaction with being each other's peers, having been nice and respectful towards each other, preserv…
This is why I hate working in a male dominated industry. Been trying to leave for years, but there seems to be no way out :(
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#129Earlier quoted context omitted.
There is a straightforward list of specific behaviors early in the article. None of it is defined by how anyone else feels; that's just the effect of someone who engages in that asshole behavior on a regular basis. The next comment down and probably half of the readers are trying to figure out if they're the asshole themselves, so I don't know where you got the idea that "you" are never the asshole. (Sure is great ho…
I can't help but regard some on the list with suspicion as being far more own fragile ego driven than any actual assholishness. More "you made the sociopath angry by not going along with his bullshit" ones which I see in the anti smart "jerks" one. Some of them are unconditionally valid of course but the list includes questionable ones. * Publicly calling out and blaming others What if they actually are to blame or d…
Yours is one of multiple comments defending "Publicly calling out and blaming others" as a valid occasional behaviour.
In my experience, this has never produced any positive result for the companies I worked for.
I don't mean people don't make mistakes, I mean that the punishment strategy of blaming them don't seem to me to have any positive effect when used. Then again, I'm not very experienced, so have you (or anyone else defending this) had any positive experience with that ? (on either end of the interaction)
Re: Assholes: A Probing Examination
#130Hello, my name is Cole and I can be an asshole. The definition posted of an asshole casts a very wide net making discussion difficult. Diversity is important and it isn't just about sex and skin color. People act differently, people have different priorities, confidence varies, life situations outside of work alters behavior as do medical conditions and treatments. Different cultures even in this country value vastly…
Oh and the other thing I didn't see anyone address is teaching "victims" the right Ju-Jitsu for dealing with (intentional) assholes / bullying - the mindset of don't let anyone make you a victim. I had the "good fortune" of having an internship years ago with a tyrant. This person loved publicly shaming the interns, among a whole bunch of other toxic behaviour, continual needling etc. etc. Their life was a mess, marr…
In 2010, Dieter Zapf and Claudia Gross took 149 victims of self-described bullying at work and taught them various conflict resolution techniques and studied the results. The effect? Victims tried various strategies and even altered their strategies several times before realizing nothing worked. Many resorted to frequently skipping work, but even more resorted to fighting back with the same kind of behaviors. Eventually, most victims left the company.
-- from the second section of the article.