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How to parent more predictably (2018)

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#251

Post by lubujackson »

funcDropShadow wrote: post #235
lubujackson wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We have had great success with positive parenting (I think there is a book of that same name). Instead of timeouts we focus on calming and identifying emotions. It is empowering for children to be able to self-identity overwhelming emotions and handle them appropriately, which is a skill more adults would learn as well (myself included!) Simple tricks are to tie physical actions to images to help them calm down. "Sme…

So you are using timeouts, you just name them differently.

I'd say the difference is that "timeouts" are putting the kid in a corner to cool down vs. taking them aside to actively calm them down. I think when most people say timeouts they are talking about separating the child and letting them stew for a while.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#252

Post by mrlala »

JshWright wrote: post #21
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts. A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides…

> Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence"

First, kids (especially young ones) do not need negative consequences. Second, yeah cleaning up the mess is a consequence of their behavior. They made a mess? They have to clean it up.

Your suggestion of a time-out (which is basically punishment, so in my view you are looking for a punishment) is not going to help. All you are teaching them is that if they do something wrong they will be punished.

>The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts.

See you just proved my prior point, you are looking for a punishment. And you end the punishment as soon as the 'appropriate behavior starts'. That is completely backwards. You should encourage and reinforce good behavior. Let them know when their behavior is inappropriate, but punishing them does not teach them anything.

Consequence should always be natural and related to what they did. The natural consequence of making a mess is cleaning it up. The natural consequence of making a mess is not sitting in the corner. The natural consequence of punching his brother is not "no dessert for dinner".

Consequences have to make sense to the child, or they are basically meaningless and harmful.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#253

Post by gilbetron »

toast0 wrote: post #205
gilbetron wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't downvote it, but it came across as faux-deep psychological "fact" that parent's are being played by their children because they are weak or something. However, I don't think the OP intended that, or at least I hope not.

Thanks for the insight. I didn't intend to imply it meant the parents are weak --- really just something to watch out. Just pointing out that children are _really_ good at conditioning parents, which is sometimes not noticed.

Cool, glad to know you meant that, because I totally agree with it! We've typically had our son eat something different from us - some friends say we should have him eat what we eat, but I point out to them that they tend to end up eating a lot of mac and cheese and hots dogs ;) We like spicy (hot) food that has complex flavor profiles - we have our son try everything, but kids palates are different than adults, and we'd rather not him condition us into eating kid food!

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#254

Post by achenatx »

Another thing I havent seen mentioned is rather than punish (by taking away things) for bad behavior, you should be rewarding for good behavior. Meaning every privilege has to be earned.

This is a subtle difference but works well. The default for most people is you get to play electronics. If you are bad we are taking them away. Instead, the default should be you do X, Y and Z, to earn the privilege to play with electronics. This is every single day.

Instead of you didnt clean your room, you dont get to play electronics. It would be, you cleaned your room, you earned some electronics time.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#255

Post by [deleted] »

wahern wrote: post #171
ip26 wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is there something fundamentally wrong with rushing towards them & elevating your voice? It's not an emergency per se, but when our toddler stands up & teeters unwittingly towards the edge of our bed, or ventures to stairs unallowed, or almost snares a knife or hot mug on the counter, etc, it seems appropriate. Those circumstances are of course best avoided ahead of time but no one is perfect.

When my little boy was a toddler (maybe 1.5?) he was curious about a pot of water I was boiling. I was holding him and he leaned over to put his finger in it. My first reaction was to pull him away and shout, "No". Instead I decided to calmly explain to him that it was hot and he shouldn't touch it. He still wanted to put his finger in it. Well, it wasn't yet boiling and I was holding him and could pull him away, so…

[deleted]

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#256

Post by lucb1e »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> Sometimes kids do not understand their own feelings and telling them helps them cope better.

I'm twenty five and I still have this. Someone suggesting what I might feel a still helps sometimes. Not sure if that's just me, though.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#257

Post by c0vfefe »

throwaway713 wrote: post #59
Ma8ee wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m one of those parents that “don’t punish”. I do tell my child when he makes me angry or sad, and of course it is clear to him that I might not want to, say, play or read to him at that point. I still wouldn’t call that punishing him, but rather a consequence of his actions.

> I still wouldn’t call that punishing him, but rather a consequence of his actions. Weird aside, but sometimes when my wife and I have a conflict, I may go for a walk to clear my head, and I’m typically not interested in being intimate for a while after the conflict. She refers to this as "punishment", which seems like an odd way to describe me needing some space for a bit.

That's what it looks like from her point of view. One man's cooldown is another woman's shutting-out.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#258

Post by TomMarius »

JshWright wrote: post #249
zubspace wrote: post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, stuff like this is bad. As a parent you need to stop this. Gets harder the older they are. But how? A few steps: - Control yourself emotionally. You're a role model for your child. Your child can't control their emotion and you can't change their emotion either. But you can control yours. - Set a firm limit. "I won't let you hit anyone else". - Stay calm. There is no way your child can calm down if you aren't.…

The "timeout" is not a punishment in response to an action, it's a way to defuse the situation and facilitate the sorts of conversations you're describing.

The timeout makes many children even more angry and on top of that angry on their parent, who they should trust.
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