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How to parent more predictably (2018)

jefftk.com

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#241

Post by Ma8ee »

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #219
throwaway713 wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I still wouldn’t call that punishing him, but rather a consequence of his actions. Weird aside, but sometimes when my wife and I have a conflict, I may go for a walk to clear my head, and I’m typically not interested in being intimate for a while after the conflict. She refers to this as "punishment", which seems like an odd way to describe me needing some space for a bit.

Wouldn't you class withdrawal of affection as punishment? In psych terms it's a negative punishment (something was removed to seeks to reduce a behaviour). Your motivation might be different but the felt action is identical.

The motivation makes a difference. If my wife think I'm intentionally punishing her she'll react differently than if she thinks that I don't want to be affectionate because I feel hurt or angry.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#242

Post by thrower123 »

throes_death wrote: post #225
thrower123 wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's about what I was getting at. You also get authority figures that are inconsistent and tyrannical, the wonders of bureaucracy, and extreme limitations of personal liberty. You get to learn how to deal with stupid and illogical people, bullies, and all the other elements of the vast canvas of personality types. It's great training, and not to be discounted. But having a haven of stability in the home is an essen…

But why do you stress the "public" bit?

It's what I know about. Also, public schools have to take everybody, so you are more likely to have to encounter people across the spectrum of abilities.

I've seen a lot of people that went to private schools really not understand just how stupid can be nor how such people think, because their world was chopped off at something like a 105 IQ floor.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#243

Post by throw0101a »

JshWright wrote: post #21
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts. A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides…

> My daughter needs space, one of my sons needs physical contact, the other needs a lot of verbal reassurance. It's important to help them find the ways they can work through their "big feelings" in a healthy way.

For the two kids that need 'coaching', what happens when you're not around? Will you at some point leave them alone to deal with things solo?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#244

Post by richardhod »

burfog wrote: post #229
JshWright wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there are two major categories of situations where a correction is needed. Times when an excepted behavior is not taking place ("Clean up that mess") and times when an unacceptable behavior has already taken place (Sibling A hit Sibling B). In the first case, emotions may not be that high to start out with (and my never get that high). The timeout is a "self-inflicted" punishment that lasts until they do what…

I've always been bothered by the "Apologize to your brother" idea. In general, it is totally fake, and everybody knows this. I'd rather not encourage dishonesty. Granted, dishonesty may be a useful skill, but I think kids can figure it out without parental encouragement.

Absolutely not: it's essential, because all but psychopathic people learn how to do things for real by going through the actions. This is essential training.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#245

Post by astrostl »

Grunching in a way that I hope doesn't come off as santimomious. I grew up with foster kids and have acute awareness of how creatively foster parents can get around "no hitting" rules with medieval stuff like time outs barefoot in the dark in a winter garage. Ultimately feel that "no hitting" is striking at the branches, but not the root.

https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training/dp/1... was a radically eye-opening book for me, particularly as it related to parenting. I don't believe that hitting, or yelling, or other forms of intimidation, or time outs, or the concept of punishment at all is either good or ultimately effective. And anecdatally that approach has worked out great for us and our kids.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#246

Post by JshWright »

burfog wrote: post #229
JshWright wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there are two major categories of situations where a correction is needed. Times when an excepted behavior is not taking place ("Clean up that mess") and times when an unacceptable behavior has already taken place (Sibling A hit Sibling B). In the first case, emotions may not be that high to start out with (and my never get that high). The timeout is a "self-inflicted" punishment that lasts until they do what…

I've always been bothered by the "Apologize to your brother" idea. In general, it is totally fake, and everybody knows this. I'd rather not encourage dishonesty. Granted, dishonesty may be a useful skill, but I think kids can figure it out without parental encouragement.

It establishes the expected behavior. You're absolutely right that it doesn't teach sincerity, but that's not the point. It builds the habit, and it forces acknowledgement that another party was harmed (even if they lack the empathy to care about that yet, empathy starts with awareness).

Sincerity is largely learned by example. It's important for parents to model sincere apologies when they screw up. To each other, to their kids, etc.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#248

Post by JshWright »

throw0101a wrote: post #243
JshWright wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts. A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides…

> My daughter needs space, one of my sons needs physical contact, the other needs a lot of verbal reassurance. It's important to help them find the ways they can work through their "big feelings" in a healthy way. For the two kids that need 'coaching', what happens when you're not around? Will you at some point leave them alone to deal with things solo?

Yeah, for context, they just turned three (twins). I don't expect them to have perfected emotional coping skills at this point (though they're certainly both well on their way).

I'm sure every kid is different, but in the case of our daughter, her emotional maturity really seemed to develop around the time she turned four.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#249

Post by JshWright »

zubspace wrote: post #238
socialist_coder wrote: post #183

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would love to have an alternative to timeouts for hitting and saying mean things. For those I still think the timeout is the best tool.

Yeah, stuff like this is bad. As a parent you need to stop this. Gets harder the older they are. But how? A few steps: - Control yourself emotionally. You're a role model for your child. Your child can't control their emotion and you can't change their emotion either. But you can control yours. - Set a firm limit. "I won't let you hit anyone else". - Stay calm. There is no way your child can calm down if you aren't.…

The "timeout" is not a punishment in response to an action, it's a way to defuse the situation and facilitate the sorts of conversations you're describing.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#250

Post by thenobsta »

sambeau wrote: post #69

One of the easiest ways to be predictable is to tell children what is happening and what is about to happen soon—especially if it will cut short a game or a play session. I have experienced so many tantrums of other people's children when they surprise their children with home time when the child is completely engrossed in playing. Children are constantly making their own plans and may have been expecting their turn…

Agreed, My (almost) 3yr old responds really well to this technique. I'll give give her a 10 or 5 min heads up and reminders at each halving of the countdown. When we get to zero she's ready for action. I almost never have issues when I do this. But, if I forget, I'll often get pushback.
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