How to parent more predictably (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#231

Post by zamfi » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 4:17 AM UTC

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #214

totalrobe wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

Some kids are distraught when separated from the family, others are quite content. IME timeout can be far more emotionally damaging than smacking. A well timed smack is a punishment for action; a "timeout" appears to be a desire for separation originating with the little-person's most loved-ones. A short-cut to the brain telling it that a behaviour is unwanted (smack) vs. an emotionally loaded action telling them [se…

Timeouts don’t have to involve separation from loved ones, just from the stimulus that’s causing the behavior.

You can be with your child during a timeout. It’s not jail.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#232

Post by seer » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 4:52 AM UTC

sequoia wrote: post #165

My advice to new parents is to ignore most people's advice & trust their instincts. The best response to the deluge of "you're parenting wrong" articles is to tell the authors of such articles, politely but firmly, to go pound sand. Sure, read books and articles to learn strategies you can try, tools for your toolbox, but ultimately, "relax–you'll figure it out!" is the best advice. Most parents care immensely about…

Sorry for the short reply, but I couldn’t resist the obligatory parenting xkcd: https://xkcd.com/674/

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#233

Post by Smithalicious » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 5:40 AM UTC

burfog wrote: post #229

JshWright wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there are two major categories of situations where a correction is needed. Times when an excepted behavior is not taking place ("Clean up that mess") and times when an unacceptable behavior has already taken place (Sibling A hit Sibling B). In the first case, emotions may not be that high to start out with (and my never get that high). The timeout is a "self-inflicted" punishment that lasts until they do what…

I've always been bothered by the "Apologize to your brother" idea. In general, it is totally fake, and everybody knows this. I'd rather not encourage dishonesty. Granted, dishonesty may be a useful skill, but I think kids can figure it out without parental encouragement.

I agree with this sentiment but I think "apologizing even when you don't feel like you did anything wrong" is the kind of dishonesty that's absolutely necessary to get by in society and that you should definitely teach your kids.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#234

Post by postscapes1 » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 5:48 AM UTC

zamfi wrote: post #231

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #214

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some kids are distraught when separated from the family, others are quite content. IME timeout can be far more emotionally damaging than smacking. A well timed smack is a punishment for action; a "timeout" appears to be a desire for separation originating with the little-person's most loved-ones. A short-cut to the brain telling it that a behaviour is unwanted (smack) vs. an emotionally loaded action telling them [se…

Timeouts don’t have to involve separation from loved ones, just from the stimulus that’s causing the behavior. You can be with your child during a timeout. It’s not jail.

This is what we do.

We have "thinking timeouts" where we got to their room or somewhere quiet with them and sit with them until they are calm enough to think

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#235

Post by funcDropShadow » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 6:22 AM UTC

lubujackson wrote: post #126

totalrobe wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

We have had great success with positive parenting (I think there is a book of that same name). Instead of timeouts we focus on calming and identifying emotions. It is empowering for children to be able to self-identity overwhelming emotions and handle them appropriately, which is a skill more adults would learn as well (myself included!) Simple tricks are to tie physical actions to images to help them calm down. "Sme…

So you are using timeouts, you just name them differently.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#236

Post by bartimus » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 6:23 AM UTC

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #211

bartimus wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also: * Better to maintain a "allowed list" VS an "off-limits list" when setting boundaries. 1) The latter is simply not doable and everything you missed legitimately becomes allowed. 2) When in doubt your kid can come to you and ask if something is on the allowed list (something that doesn't make sense with an off-limits list). * Try not to say "no!". Approach things positively. Better to ask "What are seats made fo…

Why not colour the walls, why does your design aesthetic trump mine?

I'm happy you asked. So what is your idea with the wall?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#237

Post by jacobr » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 7:23 AM UTC

burfog wrote: post #229

JshWright wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there are two major categories of situations where a correction is needed. Times when an excepted behavior is not taking place ("Clean up that mess") and times when an unacceptable behavior has already taken place (Sibling A hit Sibling B). In the first case, emotions may not be that high to start out with (and my never get that high). The timeout is a "self-inflicted" punishment that lasts until they do what…

I've always been bothered by the "Apologize to your brother" idea. In general, it is totally fake, and everybody knows this. I'd rather not encourage dishonesty. Granted, dishonesty may be a useful skill, but I think kids can figure it out without parental encouragement.

It’s also about showing the sibling that was hit that you as a parent consider the behavior unacceptable. They need to feel that grownups react, even if they realize the apology is fake.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#238

Post by zubspace » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 8:07 AM UTC

socialist_coder wrote: post #183

JshWright wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts. A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides…

I would love to have an alternative to timeouts for hitting and saying mean things. For those I still think the timeout is the best tool.

Yeah, stuff like this is bad. As a parent you need to stop this. Gets harder the older they are. But how?

A few steps:

- Control yourself emotionally. You're a role model for your child. Your child can't control their emotion and you can't change their emotion either. But you can control yours.

- Set a firm limit. "I won't let you hit anyone else".

- Stay calm. There is no way your child can calm down if you aren't.

- Connect to your child. There's a reason your child does the thing it does. Why? Figure it out! Be empathic. Acknowledge their need.

- Model them appropriate actions. Show them the best way how to handle a situation like this from now on.

I'm just reiterating things from the youtube channel in the top post. Stuff like this takes time. But it's also normal. Kids simply do not have all the strategies and emotional control to handle some situations appropriately like adults do.

But, be sure that you know. Control yourself. Be a model to them and show them, how it's done. Sooner or later they will (hopefully) adapt your strategy.

And that's why I'm against timeouts. They are not an appropriate response. Imagine getting a timeout of your boss when you get angry with a bug of your co-worker. That would not be an appropriate response either. Your boss would need to show you a strategy, how to handle conflicts now and in the future. Be the same to your kids.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#239

Post by ptah » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 8:27 AM UTC

fjsolwmv wrote: post #186

ptah wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

timeouts work better if you call it naughty step instead. i've seen a few supernanny episodes where parents used timeouts before and it didn't work, and then she introduced naughty step and it works a charm

What is a "naughty step"?

http://www.jofrost.com/naughty-step-technique/

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#240

Post by Ma8ee » Fri, Jun 14, 2019, 10:03 AM UTC

empath75 wrote: post #56

Ma8ee wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most three years olds certainly will understand what they are doing is wrong if you tell them and why. But you are right in that they don’t know how to control their feelings and sometimes themselves. But that is true of many adults too.

I am not sure that's the case. Children are very good at putting things into categories. If you give them a list of things that are right and things that are wrong, they will certainly remember it in the same way that they memorize the names of the trains on Thomas, but I'm not sure that the category "right" and "wrong" has any particular meaning to them. It takes quite a while for them to develop what is a rather so…

I don't punish. Children can certainly learn what makes other people sad or angry, and have a sense of fairness. I don't think there are any metaphysical aspects of right and wrong that kids have to learn.