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How to parent more predictably (2018)

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#201

Post by RobertRoberts »

foolfoolz wrote: post #185
RobertRoberts wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, that's possible. One issue they had was their kids stayed up too late, didn't get enough sleep and screamed a lot near the end of the day. They were late to school (in elementary level) because the parents were tired too. I think this is objectively bad parenting... but I could be wrong. Edit: since I got one down vote let me add > they scream at their kids regularly (daily, sometimes the normal tone), let them…

sounds like wrong because different

Well, I should probably not have said "objectively", but we were comparing against the article titled "how to parent more predictably"... so I felt that was a fair assessment.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#202

Post by tptacek »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

Timeouts worked great for us; the trick we found was just to be deterministic about them. We gave our kids a countdown warning and then invariably applied the same consequences when the countdown expired. After a couple applications of a 3-2-1 countdown followed by a timeout, our kids reliably responded by "2".

The other observation I made was that it doesn't take much of a consequence at all to make this work. My initial intuition was to scale the "punishment" by the severity of the incident, but really, a 5-10 minute timeout does just as much good as a longer one, and is much easier to apply. Anything you can do reliably and without effort would, in my case, almost always work; the point is to avoid the power struggle.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#203

Post by bartimus »

ubertakter wrote: post #87
bartimus wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also: * Better to maintain a "allowed list" VS an "off-limits list" when setting boundaries. 1) The latter is simply not doable and everything you missed legitimately becomes allowed. 2) When in doubt your kid can come to you and ask if something is on the allowed list (something that doesn't make sense with an off-limits list). * Try not to say "no!". Approach things positively. Better to ask "What are seats made fo…

With my daughter, if I have to say "no" or "not now" I always try to provide an explanation, which ranges from "we don't have time now because we have to get to" to "I think that's too dangerous ". I've done that every since she could speak. She's 10 years old now and I still do it. That being said, I don't often tell her "no". If she wants to do something that involves risk of injury (or something similar, like maki…

As opposed to "no" or "not now" you can also say "wait a moment" or "I'll help you later". No need to explain. Just make sure there's a way forward. She just needs to hold on a bit. Giving "no" even with an explanation as to why not might not yet show a way forward.

My daughter always comes with all kinds of questions when it's bedtime (and she doesn't want to sleep). Simply answer: "Let's talk about that tomorrow. Now it's time to sleep."

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#204

Post by gilbetron »

watwut wrote: post #190
toast0 wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> So when my son was a toddler and through his food on the floor, me taking the food away caused a tantrum and made that moment worse. However, the next day (or whatever) when he had the same food, it was much less likely he would throw it on the ground because you could see him remembering what had happened before. At the same time that you're training your toddler not to throw his food on the floor; he's training y…

I dont know why this was downvoted. The other way really works too. Adults adapt to what child does both consciously and subconsciously. The difference is that the child at that age does not do it for purpose, they dont plan yet.

I didn't downvote it, but it came across as faux-deep psychological "fact" that parent's are being played by their children because they are weak or something. However, I don't think the OP intended that, or at least I hope not.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#205

Post by toast0 »

gilbetron wrote: post #204
watwut wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I dont know why this was downvoted. The other way really works too. Adults adapt to what child does both consciously and subconsciously. The difference is that the child at that age does not do it for purpose, they dont plan yet.

I didn't downvote it, but it came across as faux-deep psychological "fact" that parent's are being played by their children because they are weak or something. However, I don't think the OP intended that, or at least I hope not.

Thanks for the insight. I didn't intend to imply it meant the parents are weak --- really just something to watch out. Just pointing out that children are _really_ good at conditioning parents, which is sometimes not noticed.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#206

Post by m0zg »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

You also have to recognize that kids are different. My son, for instance, will not clean up unless threatened with punishment (taking games away, stuff like that, not paddlin'). The textbook stuff doesn't work at all. Won't do homework, won't shower, won't brush his teeth, not to mention cleaning up his room (unless I threaten to throw his shit out; mom is too chicken to enforce anything).

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#207

Post by ianmcgowan »

m0zg wrote: post #206
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

You also have to recognize that kids are different. My son, for instance, will not clean up unless threatened with punishment (taking games away, stuff like that, not paddlin'). The textbook stuff doesn't work at all. Won't do homework, won't shower, won't brush his teeth, not to mention cleaning up his room (unless I threaten to throw his shit out; mom is too chicken to enforce anything).

We had a once-a-week cleanup rule when the kids were little. We all cleaned up the house for the weekend, kids just had to pickup their rooms. When they didn't (as is perfectly normal, pushing boundaries), I would tidy up by throwing everything into a big garbage bad and putting it up high in the garage (sort of a timeout for their belongings). Set a timer at the start of the process so they have a chance to do it themselves. After a few times, they got the message, but there were some times at first when they would lose their shit - that was pretty harrowing.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#208

Post by ianmcgowan »

jriot wrote: post #195
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> Your job as a parent is to provide your kid with all necessities of life and with love. * Your job as a parent is to teach your children to ensure they are functioning adults at 18.

Why not both?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#209

Post by antod »

jriot wrote: post #195
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> Your job as a parent is to provide your kid with all necessities of life and with love. * Your job as a parent is to teach your children to ensure they are functioning adults at 18.

That latter is much harder to achieve if you don't do the former.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#210

Post by soperj »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

>* Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help).

I think people use timeouts wrong. Timeouts are not for my kid, they're for me. So that I can get a handle on how I'm feeling and actually respond in a way that is appropriate, and not with anger.

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