How to parent more predictably (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#191

Post by RandomBacon » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:43 PM UTC

bcrosby95 wrote: post #136

totalrobe wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

> like hitting newborn baby brother We ran into this problem. Our oldest would just hit him again 5 minutes after the timeout. It got to the point where she would hit him, say "timeout!" and go to her timeout spot. She hated the timeout (she cried during it), but she decided it was worth it. She basically took every chance she could to hurt him. If she was walking by him, she would purposefully step on his fingers. O…

I'm curious as a future parent: How old was she, and how do you think she would have responded with an explaination of what was going on: She's jealous because she sees the baby getting more attention than she is, and explaining when she was a baby, she got just as much attention and that you love them both equally.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#192

Post by sequoia » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:45 PM UTC

jvagner wrote: post #175

sequoia wrote: post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In our household the word "badingo" means "I recognize that you are doing a joke premised on being annoying or repetitive,* I acknowledge your joke, it is funny, now please stop." I've never used a "safe word" for anything else but it's an interesting idea. *for example an impression of a person who gives far too detailed explanations, or singing a repetitive song with no end

Ours has become very multi-use, but it's pretty righteously observed. My girlfriend and I may be in the car with my son, and the conversation may steer into very adult territory, the kind of thing that makes my son uncomfortable, and after a bit of the talking, we'll hear a moderately voiced "baaaadingo..." from the backseat, which we know means he thinks we've gotten too far into adult-land and he's not feeling comf…

This seems useful. Is there a point at which you think it would be useful to phase out the use of a specialized safe-word & transition to a more widely understood form of signalling discomfort, or using other strategies such leaving the situation or reading book or putting on headphones etc.?

Have you had situations where this "safe-word" is used where you felt the situation wasn't severe enough to require shutting down, and asked your son to try to communicate his needs in plain language?

The safe-word sounds useful but I know that for my kids I would not be comfortable with them "pulling the fire alarm" merely because a discussion was uncomfortable for them, I'd ask them instead to find a way to make their request in plain English. My concern with overuse is the "safe-word" turning into a _substitute_ for expressing one's needs clearly.

Cool system tho! I might try it out.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#193

Post by watwut » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:45 PM UTC

bena wrote: post #148

asark wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

I've heard that as well, that 2 - 3 kids are more trouble than any other number. Some people feel that after the third, you just accept chaos as your life. But I don't think it's strictly a quantity. I think it's a timing issue. Multiple infants and toddlers are a nightmare to manage. One is ok, because you can dedicate all of your resources to it. When you're having your fourth kid, your first is going to be around…

Nah. 2 kids or similar age are easier then one pretty much after year one. They spend a lot of time playing/interacting together while if you have one, you are sole source of social interaction.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#194

Post by jimbokun » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:50 PM UTC

alexandercrohde wrote: post #41

I used to spend time and energy collecting thoughts on how I could be a great parent. Then one day my aunt told me she was mad at her father for being "too logical" when raising her because it gave her unrealistic expectations. Then I started to question everything... If a parent never misbehaved is a kid going to be thrown for a loop when they meet emotional teachers? Did my own fathers weaknesses force me to develo…

If that's the worst your aunt experienced, sounds like she had a pretty good upbringing to me.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#195

Post by jriot » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:52 PM UTC

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> Your job as a parent is to provide your kid with all necessities of life and with love.

* Your job as a parent is to teach your children to ensure they are functioning adults at 18.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#196

Post by jimbokun » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:58 PM UTC

PerfectElement wrote: post #134

asark wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

It looks like you're going through a tough period and lashing out on people who chose to have less than 3 kids.

You are over thinking this.

In any life situation, people who have experienced that situation have more relevant than those who don't.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#197

Post by jimbokun » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 10:01 PM UTC

asark wrote: post #55

ca98am79 wrote: post #38

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse. I think…

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

My brother-in-law, father of three girls, said going from 2 kids to 3 in a two parent family means you have to go from planning man-to-man defense to zone. At least one kid is never getting at least one parent's full attention at any given time, so now you need to triage and prioritize the greatest parenting need at any given time.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#198

Post by RandomBacon » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 10:02 PM UTC

asdf21 wrote: post #74

lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

Lol, I would drag out going down the slide 10 more times to like, 40 minutes.

"We have to go soon, we have enough time for you to go down the slide about 10 more times."

Both you and the OP are right. Phrasing like this example though should help. This way it's not you restricting the kid, and there's no hard requirement.

If they try to drag it out, you tell the kid that they had the time; it was their choice to take longer than usual to go down the slide those last few times.

That explaination also helps them realize that they can choose to either make the best of a situation or the worst of a situation, but the situation will happen regardless (the time limit).

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#199

Post by ahaferburg » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 10:24 PM UTC

leokennis wrote: post #83

The author rightfully states that being rich(er) helps in being more predictable. Likewise, to be good at parenting it also helps a lot to have “nice kids”. That’s why I take a lot of advice with a big grain of salt. My 4 year old is a really soft, sweet and sensitive boy. Just saying something like “it would be great if you cleaned up that mess of Duplo!” results in him immediately doing it. So is my tip to get kids…

What are you doing after he's cleaned up? I'm guessing you're doing something to reinforce his behavior, and that that is way more important than the initial suggestion.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#200

Post by bcrosby95 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 10:39 PM UTC

RandomBacon wrote: post #191

bcrosby95 wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> like hitting newborn baby brother We ran into this problem. Our oldest would just hit him again 5 minutes after the timeout. It got to the point where she would hit him, say "timeout!" and go to her timeout spot. She hated the timeout (she cried during it), but she decided it was worth it. She basically took every chance she could to hurt him. If she was walking by him, she would purposefully step on his fingers. O…

I'm curious as a future parent: How old was she, and how do you think she would have responded with an explaination of what was going on: She's jealous because she sees the baby getting more attention than she is, and explaining when she was a baby, she got just as much attention and that you love them both equally.

She was about 2 and a half when they were born. To be more specific, we actually had twins. And she only did it to one of them. Explaining things are what we tried first - its always our first goto - explain, redirect, etc.

When we tried to explain things, she would mostly just ignore our words and change the subject. There was even a period of time where even mentioning "baby" would cause her to yell "NO BABY!".

BTW, you might have heard of the "terrible twos". But the "threenager" stage was much worse for us.

Some of the defiance is kinda funny, depending upon your sense of humor. Like when my wife said "I hope when you get older you call mommy to tell her how much you love her", and she said "I'm going to call you to tell you how much I don't love you."

It's a lot better now, but she has always been pretty persistent and strong willed. At the end of the day, you get what you get. We have some friends with the most amazingly behaved first child that didn't care for our kid's behavior and some of the stuff we just let her do. Then their second kid was more like ours and after that they had more sympathy.