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How to parent more predictably (2018)

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#161

Post by ses1984 »

ca98am79 wrote: post #38

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse. I think…

Having two very young children is especially difficult. With just one kid, it's orders of magnitude easier to keep your cool and respond mindfully. With two, sometimes I realize that the best thing I could do is separate them, but that's rarely possible in practice. How am I supposed to separate two kids who may be getting into some serious mischief, or beating the crap out of each other, while I'm watching them and cooking dinner by myself? Those are the kinds of situations I've reacted in ways that I immediately regretted.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#162

Post by RobertRoberts »

watwut wrote: post #97
RobertRoberts wrote: post #52

We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…

Why are they lousy parents?

It's a combination of a lot of things. Heavy drinking, gambling, lying to each other (parents), kids don't have bed times or waking times, miss school when they are too tired. Force the older kids to watch the younger kids so they can smoke, drink and talk with friends instead of watch their own kids. Kids would scream and fall on the ground when aren't noticed... the parents will be in the same room talking with friends while their kids scream at them... etc...

Keep in mind, I like these people, odd as they are, we just don't participate in much of what they do/have done that I disagree with. Our friendship overlaps a nice quiet area in life where we barbequed together, and mostly relax and let kids play or school activities. They do sometimes overcompensate it odd ways, sending their kids to camps and overly involved in sports and outside school stuff.

But they are kind, helpful, hard workers. And despite the fact that they don't do many things well, they do spend time with their kids.

Maybe there's something valuable about time spent, even if it's not "well" based on parenting experts advice?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#163

Post by sequoia »

jvagner wrote: post #158

My single greatest piece of advice: Institute a safe word with your child. It goes both ways, no exceptions. When the safe word is issued, whatever was safeworded stops. Typical rules of safe words, but my kid is 15 and we still use the safe word when things are going wayward (jokes, fights, annoyances, repetitions, references). Probably started it when he was 1 or 2. Second favorite bit of advice: Routines (brushing…

In our household the word "badingo" means "I recognize that you are doing a joke premised on being annoying or repetitive,* I acknowledge your joke, it is funny, now please stop."

I've never used a "safe word" for anything else but it's an interesting idea.

*for example an impression of a person who gives far too detailed explanations, or singing a repetitive song with no end

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#164

Post by asark »

PerfectElement wrote: post #134
asark wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

It looks like you're going through a tough period and lashing out on people who chose to have less than 3 kids.

Nah, not tough, totally normal. Newly-multi-childed parents deserve some Real Talk every now and then so they can get over trying to do (and feeling bad about failing miserably at) all the crap they now don't have time/energy/attention for from Internet parenting advice, and get on to counting any day that ends with no more than one bleeding injury per kid and $50 property damage as a huge win, even if it took yelling a couple times and some punishment not accompanied by a bunch of hugging and a long talk about Right and Wrong here and there to achieve such great success. That stuff's fine but at some point you can't be two places at once, and there are more than two places you urgently need to be right this second, so something's gonna get neglected.

It's OK. Internet parenting advice (or any that comes from the latest trendy book) rarely survives contact with an enemy that outnumbers you. That's normal. Be nice and attentive when you can but don't beat yourself up for not taking 15min to calm your 4-year-old down then walk them through Plato's notion of Justice when they're hitting their brother for the 5th time in as many minutes. You have not failed when you have to choose between that stuff and getting the kids out the door to wherever you have to be, or dinner on the table, or clothes washed, or whatever. And when someone else tells you how some system or other they read about on some parenting blog works so great and is so gentle and nice and it's just crazy that anyone would ever yell at their kids for any reason, smile and nod and silently wish them smart, energetic, willful twins next time around.

[EDIT] and it's not the living hell that that read like, now that I look back over that, it's just that discipline problems tend to shoot up the more kids are around and they tend to cluster, and they tend to crop up when you're otherwise busy, for obvious reasons, so when you need to bust out your strategy for dealing with bad behavior it's gotta be fast and take very little of your time or it ain't gonna last long. When things are bad, they're bad. Usually they're fine.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#165

Post by sequoia »

My advice to new parents is to ignore most people's advice & trust their instincts. The best response to the deluge of "you're parenting wrong" articles is to tell the authors of such articles, politely but firmly, to go pound sand.

Sure, read books and articles to learn strategies you can try, tools for your toolbox, but ultimately, "relax–you'll figure it out!" is the best advice. Most parents care immensely about their children & this fact is more likely to lead them to parent well than any article or "tip."

Source: I've been a parent about my entire adult life (since 20), I have 4 kids, I've read a ton of stupid parenting articles, as a young parent everyone felt comfortable giving me parenting advice.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#166

Post by duderific »

ses1984 wrote: post #6
marktangotango wrote: post #2

We’ve found timeouts are very effective with our kids. Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other. One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it. We’ve also found devices are gold for discipline. Our routine is…

Timeouts did not work for our oldest. He would constantly try to sneak or wrestle out of timeout and it turned into a game for him. We tried to stick with it but looking back I think it was a huge mistake and the contributed to behavioral problems he has today, basically full blown ODD. If it seems like something is not working for you, don't try to force it. If in doubt, love over punishment. Don't lose your temper.

This is where we're at too, the timeouts just don't work -- same behavior -- running out of his room etc. What I've found is to give him a little of something he wants (5 minutes of legos) before I need something (getting dressed for school). That way I'm not trying to force something "right away" and thus avoiding a confrontation in the first place. Once the power struggle begins, there's not really a smooth way out of it.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#167

Post by toast0 »

gilbetron wrote: post #71
ca98am79 wrote: post #38

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse. I think…

The thing I (eventually) realized was that all that advice and techniques almost never help with the current situation you are in. However, it almost always helps with future situations. Rarely do kids (or people, or pets even!) stop their reaction when you use some technique. However, the next time they have that reaction, they will remember what happened before and react differently. So when my son was a toddler an…

> So when my son was a toddler and through his food on the floor, me taking the food away caused a tantrum and made that moment worse. However, the next day (or whatever) when he had the same food, it was much less likely he would throw it on the ground because you could see him remembering what had happened before.

At the same time that you're training your toddler not to throw his food on the floor; he's training you not to take it away. Conditioning goes both ways.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#168

Post by bargl »

dkarl wrote: post #17

One thing I think my parents did right was never telling me in the heat of the moment how I would be punished. I knew how I was supposed to behave, and they let me know when I was not living up to the standard, but if they decided to punish me, I wouldn't find out right away what my punishment would be. The only exception was trivial punishments like being sent to my room or having something taken away for a few hour…

I really try to stick to this approach.

My method is that I tell my kid to go to his room and that there will be consequences. I don't define them. Usually after I've calmed down I ask him which consequences he thinks he deserves. This also gives me and my wife time to get our heads together and discuss as well. Which really helps us stay on the same page on bigger issues.

Thanks for the validation from the other perspective.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#169

Post by hathawsh »

sequoia wrote: post #163
jvagner wrote: post #158

My single greatest piece of advice: Institute a safe word with your child. It goes both ways, no exceptions. When the safe word is issued, whatever was safeworded stops. Typical rules of safe words, but my kid is 15 and we still use the safe word when things are going wayward (jokes, fights, annoyances, repetitions, references). Probably started it when he was 1 or 2. Second favorite bit of advice: Routines (brushing…

In our household the word "badingo" means "I recognize that you are doing a joke premised on being annoying or repetitive,* I acknowledge your joke, it is funny, now please stop." I've never used a "safe word" for anything else but it's an interesting idea. *for example an impression of a person who gives far too detailed explanations, or singing a repetitive song with no end

Hmm, if we did that, here's what would happen.

Kid 1 does something too repetitive.

Kid 2: "badingo!"

Kid 1 stops, but does something else too repetitive.

Kid 2: "badingo!"

Kid 1: "You're saying badingo too many times. Badingo!"

Kid 2: "badingo badingo badingo badingo badingo!"

Kid 1: "badingo times infinity!"

Kid 2: MOM!

Actually that kind of discussion impresses me because it shows they comprehend infinite loops and recursion at some level.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#170

Post by homonculus1 »

asark wrote: post #55
ca98am79 wrote: post #38

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse. I think…

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

Hearing parents complain about their own life choices as though they are martyrs upon him parenthood was thrust by the universe is categorically more grating than any form of advice coming from anybody.
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