How to parent more predictably (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#101

Post by ben7799 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:08 PM UTC

My kid is a bit of a behavior problem.

The worst thing about some of this is these days so many of us are stuck leaving our kids with day care/school so much of the time, and plenty of these "professionals", don't get this stuff.

Day care here ran about $2k/month and the education level of the teachers was just not up to par for that amount of money. I always wondered where the money was going, they all had college degrees but got paid 1/2 or less what public teachers do in this area. There was a ton of bragging from management at the day care about how great the academic start was (this chain even brags about higher SAT scores!) and I think it was mostly hogwash. I was always thinking someone was making a lot of money on the day cares as it was not hard to figure out their approximate gross revenue/month. So often the day care was making things worse... take one step forward at home and 2 steps back at day care.

Thankfully my child is in public school now, we have a great school system, and the teachers are a million times better at dealing with this stuff in productive ways.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#102

Post by fma » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:08 PM UTC

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

A lot of what you've described is covered in detail in the book: "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting"

I have not used YouTube yet for parenting but I would imagine it's a great resource. That book is kinda lengthy but I think YouTube, podcast is easy to consume for busy parents. I haven't finished that book yet and I got it a few months ago grin.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#103

Post by totalrobe » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:09 PM UTC

mruts wrote: post #77

totalrobe wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

I don’t have kids but when I get really angry and step away from the situation I often get into a loop and my emotions spin out of control. Say I’m really angry at my wife. If she leaves me alone after an argument I might go crazy for hours, throwing things at the wall, and cursing for a long time. It’s like my brain gets into an infinite loop and without new stimulus, I am just stuck there. What works better is if s…

If you are angry for hours maybe try going to exercise or meditate(fixing this issue is actually one of the goals of meditation) or something, but that is above my pay grade.

With my kid, he sometimes does not cool down during a tantrum until he goes in his room for timeout for a few minutes, and he is always measurably calmer after timeout. The recommended timeout time is 1 minute per year of age - it's not like they're abandoned for hours.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#104

Post by JshWright » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:10 PM UTC

dragonwriter wrote: post #96

JshWright wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts. A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides…

> Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. If you are directing the behavior due to the child’s action (or it's effects), it's a cobsequence. A common term for consequences that are nonpunitive but instead correct or mitigate undesired effects of the behavior is “natural consequences”, and there is quite a lot of parenting literature favoring them as generally preferable to oth…

Yeah, I was using the scare quotes to indicate I was using the term loosely, and colloquially.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#105

Post by JshWright » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:11 PM UTC

shearskill wrote: post #93

JshWright wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My experience doesn't match up with that reality TV anecdote... Assuming there is an actual change, and it's not just scripting and editing, my guess is there are a large number of factors involved, and not simply changing the name.

I was a skeptic about the supernanny too and I don’t watch the show but her book has a technique to help reluctant sleepers adjust to staying in their own beds that really worked for my kid. He’s a teen now and still has a hard time falling asleep, it’s just how he’s wired.

I'm not skeptical of supernanny, I'm skeptical that simply changing the name from "timeout" to "naughty step" was the primary cause of any observed effect (rather that the whole slew of other, more meaningful, changes that were introduced at the same time)

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#106

Post by ben7799 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:12 PM UTC

ca98am79 wrote: post #38

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse. I think…

Great points. A lot of professional parenting advice givers are also just pseudo-science.. no different than fitness or nutrition people.

The recommendations are constantly changing... so clearly none if it is perfect.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#107

Post by JustSomeNobody » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:14 PM UTC

acjohnson55 wrote: post #31

One of my best tools with my toddler is "don't react, respond". My first thought is rarely my best thought, and my reactionary tone of voice is not my most loving and supportive. A kid doesn't need your immediate answer to everything. You can tell them, "let me think about that" and literally take the time to consider your options. Almost nothing is an emergency situation requiring your elevated tone of voice or phys…

I would add, say “yes” as much as possible. Work out things that are an automatic yes at any time. This gives them control.

I’m not saying let them do whatever they want. I’m saying have activities, healthy snacks, whatever in place that are acceptable to you and your child and that you can say yes to when they want them.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#108

Post by shearskill » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:16 PM UTC

fuzz4lyfe wrote: post #18

logifail wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>> What about tantrums in public > Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off. Our youngest had a gold-plated tantrum (with screaming turned up to 11) on a flight with me last summer, triggered by me insisting that she fasten her lap belt. Short of carrying a tranquiliser gun (joke!) I'm not sure what one can do with an over-tired, over-excited 2 year-old in these situations, apart from try no…

I am lucky enough to enable my wife to stay home with our daughter as she grows up and the results have been spectacular (you aren't a bad parent for not doing this, I just was in a position to do so). As an infant she was never ignored or left to get over heated (with the exception of a few times she stayed at grandma's house and her behavior for the next few days changed dramatically) as a result she does not feel…

I was a hands on stay at home parent. Kid still had a few tantrums. Every kid is different, you’ll probably observe that when your next arrives.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#109

Post by mrcu5 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:20 PM UTC

lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

Slide 9 times, then head over to the jungle gym. Never leave the park!

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#110

Post by acjohnson55 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:21 PM UTC

MichaelApproved wrote: post #99

acjohnson55 wrote: post #31

One of my best tools with my toddler is "don't react, respond". My first thought is rarely my best thought, and my reactionary tone of voice is not my most loving and supportive. A kid doesn't need your immediate answer to everything. You can tell them, "let me think about that" and literally take the time to consider your options. Almost nothing is an emergency situation requiring your elevated tone of voice or phys…

> " let me think about that " Don't forget to actually think about it and give the response. Make a note of it and show your child that you did create a reminder. Later, after you've thought of it, remind your child by showing them that note and let them know the outcome. This way, next time you say "let me think about it" your child will believe that a resolution will actually come later. Showing your child the note…

I was thinking about it in terms of stalling for the 15 seconds it takes to make a response, instead of a reaction. But yeah, I totally agree that for those longer considerations, demonstrating the integrity to follow through is really important. My oldest is just 2, so this doesn't come up much yet. She has very little concept of tomorrow.

But I know from my experience with high school kids and with managing adults that people sort the peers and authority figures in their life into the buckets of "dependable", "needs follow-up", and "chaotic". It's like a credit rating. Maintaining that trust keeps a whole lot of other relationship dynamics healthier.