How to parent more predictably (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#21

Post by JshWright » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 12:56 PM UTC

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts.

A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides) and facilitate a better discussion. Each of my kids tends to "lose it" in a different direction (anxiety, sadness/crying, anger), and it's definitely important to support them as they work on getting their emotions back under control. This is going to look different for every kid though. My daughter needs space, one of my sons needs physical contact, the other needs a lot of verbal reassurance. It's important to help them find the ways they can work through their "big feelings" in a healthy way.

Your last point is critical. My father had a lot of strengths as a parent, but one thing I _never_ saw him do was apologize (not to me, not to my siblings, not to my mother). It's one thing I have really focused on "doing better" (something my father frequently encouraged me to do)

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#22

Post by J-dawg » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:00 PM UTC

I bookmarked this article ages ago because the advice seems so sensible. This post just reminded me of it.

https://blog.codinghorror.com/how-to-talk-to-human-beings/

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#23

Post by JshWright » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:01 PM UTC

wil421 wrote: post #4

marktangotango wrote: post #2

We’ve found timeouts are very effective with our kids. Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other. One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it. We’ve also found devices are gold for discipline. Our routine is…

If your child is too angry or upset for timeout do you just wait until they calm down and apply punishment? What about tantrums in public or somewhere where timeout can’t exactly work? Expecting parent. Can’t wait for September when my daughter is due!

> If your child is too angry or upset for timeout

"Timeout" doesn't mean "being along" (it may, and that may be helpful for some kids, but it's definitely not for all of them). I have spent many timeout sessions sitting on the bottom step alongside one of my kids while they're losing it next to me (or on my lap, or wrapped in a bear-hug). Eventually (in my case) they calm down, and we'll generally have a bit of a conversation, and then I'll generally leave them alone for a minute or two (mostly to give them a chance to process our conversation and "reset" the situation).

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#24

Post by ptah » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:01 PM UTC

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

timeouts work better if you call it naughty step instead. i've seen a few supernanny episodes where parents used timeouts before and it didn't work, and then she introduced naughty step and it works a charm

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#25

Post by empath75 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:01 PM UTC

marktangotango wrote: post #2

We’ve found timeouts are very effective with our kids. Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other. One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it. We’ve also found devices are gold for discipline. Our routine is…

I have a three year old and I don’t think of what I do as punishment at all. I don’t think they have the kind of agency and self consciousness to understand that what they’re doing is wrong, so it doesn’t make sense to think of things that way for me.

What I do have is near complete control of their environment so I use that to enforce limits. They can’t engage in some behavior I don’t like if they’re not in a position where they can do it. If they won’t stop messing with the remote, I hide it or move them to another room. If he won’t share toys with his brother, I put the toys away, if he’s acting out in a tantrum, I remove him from the room.

There’s no point being angry at what a toddler does, they literally can’t control themselves sometimes.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#26

Post by kirubakaran » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:02 PM UTC

jugg1es wrote: post #15

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I've found that giving my kids the vocabulary for describing what they feel has a huge impact on their behavior. Once they can name the problem, they are much more likely talk about it than lash out.

True for adults too. Once I learned to name[1] some of my cognitive distortions, I became much more relaxed.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#27

Post by JshWright » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:04 PM UTC

ptah wrote: post #24

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

timeouts work better if you call it naughty step instead. i've seen a few supernanny episodes where parents used timeouts before and it didn't work, and then she introduced naughty step and it works a charm

My experience doesn't match up with that reality TV anecdote... Assuming there is an actual change, and it's not just scripting and editing, my guess is there are a large number of factors involved, and not simply changing the name.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#28

Post by ycombonator » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:04 PM UTC

No child is the same. Timeouts ended up traumatizing our child. Anyway I came across this and started to experiment some of the principles from here https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/6855333...

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#29

Post by empath75 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:05 PM UTC

logifail wrote: post #11

marktangotango wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It depends on age, they have to be able to understand what’s happening. So for toddlers we’d redirect to something else, then timeouts, then around 5 is when we started delaying them. Seems to work really well. But you’re right, in public is different. Usually taking them out of the situation worked for us. Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off.

>> What about tantrums in public > Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off. Our youngest had a gold-plated tantrum (with screaming turned up to 11) on a flight with me last summer, triggered by me insisting that she fasten her lap belt. Short of carrying a tranquiliser gun (joke!) I'm not sure what one can do with an over-tired, over-excited 2 year-old in these situations, apart from try no…

When we flew cross country with our baby, a mom and two older kids across the aisle insisted that we give her our baby to hold and at that point we were so frazzled from the screaming and fussing that we acquiesced and they had the baby laughing and cooing the rest of the flight. If I’m being honest I was a little bit hurt.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#30

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 1:05 PM UTC

jugg1es wrote: post #15

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I've found that giving my kids the vocabulary for describing what they feel has a huge impact on their behavior. Once they can name the problem, they are much more likely talk about it than lash out.

[deleted]