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How to parent more predictably (2018)

jefftk.com

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#11

Post by logifail »

marktangotango wrote: post #7
wil421 wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If your child is too angry or upset for timeout do you just wait until they calm down and apply punishment? What about tantrums in public or somewhere where timeout can’t exactly work? Expecting parent. Can’t wait for September when my daughter is due!

It depends on age, they have to be able to understand what’s happening. So for toddlers we’d redirect to something else, then timeouts, then around 5 is when we started delaying them. Seems to work really well. But you’re right, in public is different. Usually taking them out of the situation worked for us. Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off.

>> What about tantrums in public

> Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off.

Our youngest had a gold-plated tantrum (with screaming turned up to 11) on a flight with me last summer, triggered by me insisting that she fasten her lap belt.

Short of carrying a tranquiliser gun (joke!) I'm not sure what one can do with an over-tired, over-excited 2 year-old in these situations, apart from try not to get into them in the first place.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#12

Post by thrownthrow »

thrower123 wrote: post #5
marktangotango wrote: post #2

We’ve found timeouts are very effective with our kids. Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other. One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it. We’ve also found devices are gold for discipline. Our routine is…

They will start getting experience with arbitrary, petty, random and chaotic behavior as soon as you start sending them to public school.

I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at. A thinly veiled insult perhaps?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#13

Post by philshem »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

Making me nervous...

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#14

Post by emlowery »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

Thanks for the youtube link, looks interesting!

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#15

Post by jugg1es »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I've found that giving my kids the vocabulary for describing what they feel has a huge impact on their behavior. Once they can name the problem, they are much more likely talk about it than lash out.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#17

Post by dkarl »

One thing I think my parents did right was never telling me in the heat of the moment how I would be punished. I knew how I was supposed to behave, and they let me know when I was not living up to the standard, but if they decided to punish me, I wouldn't find out right away what my punishment would be. The only exception was trivial punishments like being sent to my room or having something taken away for a few hours, or if the behavior problem was ongoing and they had time away from me to talk between themselves and decide what would be appropriate to threaten me with.

This accomplished two things. First, they never had to back down on a punishment, because they were careful to only threaten me with things they could stand behind. That meant I never felt any urge to misbehave to call their bluff. Proving parents wrong is irresistible to kids, so if you threaten a punishment you can't follow through on, you've just given them a reason to do the thing you're told them not to. Even if you punish them in another way, it's worth it just to prove you wouldn't do what you said.

Second, it forced me to actively imagine what an appropriate punishment would be. To get into their heads and imagine how they would punish me, I had to think about why my behavior was wrong from their point of view. Kids spend a lot of time arguing against their parents, in their heads as well as out loud, and I think many kids don't have enough occasion to go through the opposite process of thinking with their parents to try to predict their behavior.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#18

Post by fuzz4lyfe »

logifail wrote: post #11
marktangotango wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It depends on age, they have to be able to understand what’s happening. So for toddlers we’d redirect to something else, then timeouts, then around 5 is when we started delaying them. Seems to work really well. But you’re right, in public is different. Usually taking them out of the situation worked for us. Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off.

>> What about tantrums in public > Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off. Our youngest had a gold-plated tantrum (with screaming turned up to 11) on a flight with me last summer, triggered by me insisting that she fasten her lap belt. Short of carrying a tranquiliser gun (joke!) I'm not sure what one can do with an over-tired, over-excited 2 year-old in these situations, apart from try no…

I am lucky enough to enable my wife to stay home with our daughter as she grows up and the results have been spectacular (you aren't a bad parent for not doing this, I just was in a position to do so). As an infant she was never ignored or left to get over heated (with the exception of a few times she stayed at grandma's house and her behavior for the next few days changed dramatically) as a result she does not feel the need to scream loudly or throw tantrums as she grows older. Anecdotes are anecdotes of course but we will be doing the same thing for kid two.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#19

Post by empath75 »

mankyd wrote: post #10
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). I usually find timeouts to be more of a cool-down period; both for my kids as well as me. They're never long (I have young kids) so we're talking on the order of a couple of minutes. They provide a good break from whatever it is they were doing and give them a chanc…

Yeah I use them entirely for removing them from whatever situation is bothering them.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#20

Post by winchling »

dkarl wrote: post #17

One thing I think my parents did right was never telling me in the heat of the moment how I would be punished. I knew how I was supposed to behave, and they let me know when I was not living up to the standard, but if they decided to punish me, I wouldn't find out right away what my punishment would be. The only exception was trivial punishments like being sent to my room or having something taken away for a few hour…

The cold, hard truth I came to realise about punishment is that it's inevitable. Even parents who 'don't punish' actually do punish: they withdraw emotionally.

But the corollary of this is that the closer and happier the family is, the lighter the punishments need ever be. For some children even the idea that they're being officially punished is punishment enough.

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