The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#531

Post by throwaway34535 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:37 PM UTC

taway060619 wrote: post #90

I’ve been feeling a pretty intense sort of depression and loneliness for the last month or so. The feelings of “you’re a white male and you work in tech and you are wealthy you are a SATAN” is just becoming too much :(. I volunteer a tremendous amount in education, where I’m the only male I generally even see in my field, and I constantly have to listen to my coworkers gleefully talk about how excited they are at how…

Well... it kinda is your fault because YOUR people oppressed millions of THEIR people.. and unfortunately that's still on you. Sorry. But hey, look on the bright side. After a few more decades of societal atonement, other white cis straight males can live in harmony with their fellow citizens. Hopefully they will have learned their lesson by then.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#532

Post by impendia » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:38 PM UTC

merpnderp wrote: post #304

40acres wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I heard someone describe this as the "capstone" vs "conerstone" model. Previous generations got married and had kids much earlier, and built their lives off of that cornerstone. When it comes to me personally and my peers, we see marriage and children more as a capstone -- something to be done once our student loan is paid, or when we're ready to put a down payment on a house, when we get that promotion, etc.

I'm still in awe that starting off your life with massive student loans is a thing. This is almost always a very poor decision as there are tons of cheap regional schools where a part time job can mostly get you through school with very little debt. And yet we've got a generation of new adults starting life under crushing debt that purchased them something of dubious value (an expensive degree versus a cheap one). My…

> tons of cheap regional schools

Where?

I teach at the University of South Carolina, where tuition and fees are over $10K a year. To my knowledge, the same is true of all the other four-year colleges in the state (Clemson, College of Charleston, Lander, USC Upstate, The Citadel etc.)

Not as outrageous as private school tuition, but it's still a very substantial burden, especially when you factor in food and housing as well.

My impression is that this is quite typical for the US. I would be delighted to learn that I am mistaken.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#533

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:39 PM UTC

beat wrote: post #458

ok_coo wrote: post #410

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your son's situation sounds a lot like my own, but I am married and maybe am a bit more responsible than him. :) So, we're a couple that doesn't want to / plan to have children and we've discussed the "getting old" thing before. What I regret about our American society is that it's no longer common to live together as an extended family. Why couldn't he live with his sister (or near her), after you're gone? What abou…

I wouldn't be surprised if he winds up living with his sister someday. They're pretty close, really. We had a talk about wills with the kids last year, and one question was "What should we do about the house? Do you kids want to keep it, or sell it for the money?", and they were both adamant about keeping the house they grew up in. In the meantime, part of my son's responsibility as we get older is taking care of his…

[deleted]

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#534

Post by kodz4 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:39 PM UTC

mehrdadn wrote: post #510

armenarmen wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A good longer play to bust out of that is to start working out of an independent cafe. Find one with a lower rate of laptop jockeys but that still has a couple. Bounce around until you find one that feels right: a good amount of regulars, people doodling, and bullshitting with baristas. Show up a couple times a week, drop into the odd conversation. And be ready to say “anyone want to grab a beer” come quitting time.…

Do you mean like going to lots of cafes literally full-time (~8 hours a day) or something? Otherwise how do you possibly bounce around lots of cafes and figure out who the regulars are within just a week?

A cafe or a bar is nothing but a "third space". Something outside of home and work. So don't take it literally. It can be the gym/dance/music/sports clubs/gardening/church/volunteering/fishing/libraries etc etc. Look for that "third space" which aligns with your interests, needs and values and keep visiting.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#535

Post by jriot » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:39 PM UTC

jniedrauer wrote: post #213

residentfoam wrote: post #195

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The way I see it is that you don't bring child into the world to "increase" your own personal happiness. They are (at least in my personal case) the result of my own happiness. And yes they require a lot of work, but all the hard work is totally worth it every time your children look at smile at you.

My point is not that they require a lot of work. My point is that they have a massive impact on climate change. You could spend your entire life flying to conferences, living on a cruise ship, dumping trash in the ocean, and none of it would even hold a candle to the environmental impact of having a child.

This is the biggest load of bull.... being pushed these days, reaming of a selfish, entitlement attitude.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#536

Post by stronglikedan » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:39 PM UTC

SketchySeaBeast wrote: post #523

HBKXNCUO wrote: post #502

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not as far as fertility is concerned. 25 means only a couple of years left at peak fertility.

What is "Peak fertility"? That's at least 10 more years for women before they even become higher risk.

at least 10 more years

More like 20. Women are safely birthing children well into their 40's nowadays. The old "safe" age limits (generally up to 40) are no longer considered to be relevant.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#537

Post by Mr_Shiba » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:39 PM UTC

sakopov wrote: post #514

Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed…

Lived for a couple of years in America and opted to return to my country for similar reasons as yours

Industrialized nations mistake comfort and wealth for happiness

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#538

Post by Barrin92 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:40 PM UTC

roymurdock wrote: post #260

residentfoam wrote: post #106

I have been lucky enough to be able to work and live in several countries around the world. One thing in common I noticed in all these places is that guys and girls don't have time and don't want to commit to a stable long relation. They invest pretty much themselves and their time in their career, traveling , parties, dogs, cats and bitcoins :) ! The mantra is to get rich and retire at 40 years old! Travel the world…

i'm 26 and have traveled a fair bit and lived/worked in the US and UK young people go to the cities for high status, high paying jobs to pay off student loans and/or save up for the future in an increasingly uncertain world competition is extremely high for these jobs, compounded 1000x due to the rise and use of social media among my generation, which always suggests that next thing to buy or that next vacation to go…

>gone are the days of getting an intellectually stimulating and well paying job with IBM/Ford/GE and building your career off it while having a family young,

well for me personally at least that's a great thing. Working for giant company X while living in company town coming home to your labradoodle and your wife with a cooking pot to in hand to watch TV to me is the horror very well portrayed in American Beauty.

Coming out of university I could pick between going abroad, working for a startup, working for a normal business, working from home even, not being looked down for not wanting a family and so on. The liberty I have today is something my parents never had. And sure, with freedom comes disorientation and competition, but to me that's exciting rather than distressing.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#539

Post by leesec » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:40 PM UTC

herr_warrum wrote: post #140

taway060619 wrote: post #90

I’ve been feeling a pretty intense sort of depression and loneliness for the last month or so. The feelings of “you’re a white male and you work in tech and you are wealthy you are a SATAN” is just becoming too much :(. I volunteer a tremendous amount in education, where I’m the only male I generally even see in my field, and I constantly have to listen to my coworkers gleefully talk about how excited they are at how…

You live in Seattle, don't you? The reason I ask is because I feel more or less the same way. I wake up at 6 am so that I can volunteer as a teaching assistant for public school CS classes. I work with a dog rescue, spending weekends cleaning poop out of kennels and walking dogs. And yet, native Seattleites will still accuse me of ruining "their" city. I doubt that most of these people make a fraction of the amount o…

>And yet, native Seattleites will still accuse me of ruining "their" city.

When?

Do they come up to you and point fingers and blame you?

Are they your friends or just strangers?

Why do you care what they think at all?

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#540

Post by jdavis703 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:40 PM UTC

> Lonely-death cleaning companies promise to be a good investment in Japan. The culture’s legendary filial piety has gone the way of the samurai; children and grandchildren are often too busy or far away for regular visiting

Me and my partner have to divide our time between visiting four different families since our parents were both single parents. We usually take a summer vacation and a winter vacation, so that means each family really only gets to be visited by us once every two years.

When it comes time to care for them as "old folks" I have no idea what we're going to do. We're basiclly the only people in our family with the financial capacity to support our parents and/or siblings... And I'm not alone in this, there's millions of Americans in the same position. I guess we better start removing systems that support traditional families (e.g. support for single family homes over apartments / co-living) and instead create "syntehtic" families that will be easier to subsidize.