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I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

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Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#381

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Speaking from my own experience, I think it's very important to have a balanced view of the fact that you are smart. i.e. you shouldn't be ignorant of it. If you "play" competitively in any of the fields, being ignorant of your own strength is a big disadvantage in my opinion.

How would you see using the knowledge that you are smart to your advantage in a given field? You still have to do the work? (my line of thinking is something like: You produce what you produce in your field. To me the effort you put in matters the most. Smart is a meta quality to your work)

Yes it is a meta quality, and that's why it's not irrelevant. For instance, when told something is "hard", you can calibrate yourself on what that means. You also get the correct sense of what's possible and what's not, in what amount of time. This helps a ton with planning and decision making.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#382
post #29

I went through the gifted program and that's the experience of my peergroup as well, I think. A combination of effortless success in school and ADD left about half of my cohort completely failing in adulthood. There are, of course, some hotshots with PhDs in cool jobs Toronto, but a whole lot of effortlessly brilliant folks just getting by with joe-jobs. While there's nothing wrong with that life, it does speak to ho…

Yes, I coasted through school until college. Never studied, never had to, even in the gifted, honors, and AP classes. I especially did well on tests. Graduated 3rd in my class, only .001 GPA points from 2nd, with a handful of 5s (and a couple 4s) on my AP tests. Had undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive type) the whole time. Always procrastinated heavily, usually wrote papers/did projects the night before they were due. The closest I got to "studying" was re-reading the chapter I was going to be tested on the morning before the test, and even that was only for social studies classes where you had to remember names and dates. I did not need to study at all for math, science, or English courses. I got very lucky with a handful of exceptional teachers in high school. Teachers that actually cared about me and my success. I wanted to do well in school, because I got praised for it - both by my mom and by teachers. I craved that praise like nothing else as a child so I always did just enough to make sure my grades stayed high.

Life fell apart in college. Huge class sizes with no personal connection to the teacher and being solely responsible for meeting deadlines and studying eventually ruined school for me. Your lecturer with over 3000 students doesn't give a shit about you or your performance in school. I lost the immediate feedback and praise that I used to get in grade/high school, and with it, my hyperfocus on doing well in school was gone.

I fell into a deep depression, took a year off, took anti-depressants, tried school again but still just couldn't make myself go to classes anymore. Dropped out. Spent a few years working a dead-end call center tech support job. Wound up getting into software anyway (my failed degree was going to be in CISE) and I do well enough for myself now (especially after getting an ADHD diagnosis and getting medicated for it), but college/young adulthood was a disaster for me. I also had to declare bankruptcy in my mid-twenties - another consequence of depression and undiagnosed ADHD. Impulse purchases and the guilt/shame/avoidance spiral turned my credit into a mess.

Most of my peers actually did far better than me (like, they actually finished their bachelors (some went as far as PhDs) and went on to good jobs in the fields they studied for), but I don't think any of them had ADHD. That was the other thing that kept me focused in high school. I was part of a decently sized group of "smart kids" - we would compete with each other on grades, and that competition helped keep me on track. Lost that in college too.

Basically, yeah, giftedness and ADHD are a terrible combo. With ADHD, you need a lot of structure and work ethic to succeed in life, but if you're smart enough, you don't have to develop any of those skills to excel in grade/high school. Then you hit adulthood and everything falls apart.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#383
post #18

The education system provides fairly clear and predictable paths to affirmation, success, and a sort of grade based people ranking system. Life outside that system often very much does not. Everyone has to come to terms with it at some point. I can understand how for someone who school makes a strong impression on them it can be a real struggle without what was such a clear and predictable system.

Great comment. Reminds me of "The Organization Kid" but much pithier https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2001/04/the-org...

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#384
post #70

I think that the standards the author is judging herself by are messed up and harmful. She is healthy, married, is raising a child, is an educator, presumably has a good standing within her community. She checks like 9 out of 10 boxes you can judge a human by and yet it's still not enough. What the hell? Does everybody have to excel now? Everybody has to be a millionaire, own a company, be a scientist, athlete or an…

This is a really good point I think a lot of people - not just young people - need to here. I've definitely had my own fight with anxiety over the past few years, mainly due to worry over whether or not I was doing enough. As stereotypical as it sounds, the ending of my last relationship really reframed my state of mind. Contentedness should be enough, and if we all got back to the mindset of being good members of the community making good contributions without killing ourselves with worry I think we all would be way better off for it.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#385

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the other hand, those who work hard and aren't lazy aren't having any fun either.

I would disagree completely. Good work is its own reward, as is the respect that comes with it after years of doing the right thing. Its not something you flirt with, its intergity.

Dare I say you're both right and missing each others point?

Doing a good job at everything you do personally and professionally is (like you say) integrity and drives self-respect.

At the same time, the work you're doing can be menial/meaningless to you and thus may take time from tasks that have greater meaning, or it may even be mentally unhealthy (stress) or impact your relationships (long hours) that is sometimes required TO do a good job.

Not everything we do in life is going to matter, I'm not arguing we need to have meaning in everything. However there is a point I think where people do need some sort of personal meaning/connection to some of what they're doing. For many people its family, others charity, volunteering or working in fields where they are passionate and connected to or any/all of the above/other.

Too often people take the admirable approach of trying to do the best job they can at everything, and burn themselves out on tasks and jobs that don't provide them personal benefit in their lives otherwise in my opinion, its a cultural issue that seems to be getting worse.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#386
post #343

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good != charity. Good people voluntarily enlisted in war to fight tyrants. Or sacrificed to give decent upbringing to their kids, often against extreme hardships, so that they don't become degenerates or criminals. Etc etc.

I don't know much good on average wars do. For every good person fighting a tyrant, there's a good person fighting for the tyrant.

Wars are bad (assuming they are usually started by "the bad guys" - an unreasonable aggressor). But, in order to stop the bad guys from taking over the world, the good guys need to sacrifice their lives.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#387
post #122

The key moment for me when I first had an inkling that being smart wasn't enough on it's own came at my grade 11 math final exam. I finished it in 45 minutes. No problem. Got an 88%. Felt awesome. Simon, the prototype of the "jock" football player, took the full 2.5 hours offered on the same exam. He got a 99%. It bothered me for years because it went against everything I knew. I was smarter, so I deserved the better…

It sounds like you learned that lesson at the correct time.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#388

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m so glad I had parents who encouraged in me what you are encouraging in your children. I was accepted to a very prestigious university, and as my friends, their parents, and other adults (including some family) found out, there was mostly encouragement to just go there. The attitude was, “why wouldn’t I want to go there? Just think of the opportunity!” They we’re shocked I was thinking of attending a state school…

Which “very prestigious school” doesn’t have financial aid? Any elite school will be much cheaper than a state school (possibly free) if you don’t have very wealthy parents.

> Any elite school will be much cheaper than a state school (possibly free) if you don’t have very wealthy parents.

This was not at all true in my situation.

Over ten years later, I imagine some things are different, and I know some very rich schools have shifted certain policies since then.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#389
post #359

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What if "being happy" for them means watching Youtube all day and playing computer games? That's what I'm struggling with with my 15 year old. This is currently affecting his GPA to the point where it'd limit his college options to community college, and maybe not even that (since you do have to work even there to not fail). I simply can't convince him that this is not a good use of his time, and he will regret it pr…

When you're "addicted" it is hard to get perspective. Not sure about your situation or feasibility, but banning the activity for 30 days might clear the fog. There are blogs about journalists giving up Twitter temporarily for example. Another angle might be explaining the difference between a creator and consumer.

His answer to that is he completely refuses to do anything at all in that case. Grades be damned. Now what?

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#390

You guys ever look out an airplane window or do some people watching in a crowded place? There are a fuck ton of people, all competing for the same resources, and with (if you made one of those FIFA-style player attributes charts, about the same overall ability). Im pretty darn good at running, recently did a big race and placed prob in the top 0.5%, the guy who won beat me by 3 mins (over 10% my time). I try and be…

Feels pretty reassuring that there are a ton of smart and talented people out there. Imagine what the world would be like without them.
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