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I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

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Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#201

Post by rapind »

brm wrote: post #153
S_A_P wrote: post #17

One of the first articles I remember reading on HN was back in 2009. The gist of the article was that you shouldn’t praise your kids for being smart, praise them when they work hard. Rewarding hard work will better serve them in the long run since being smart will plateau at some point. I have a 9 and 11 year old and I still bristle a little bit when my mom says y’all are so smart.

That’s also how you’d raise a plough horse. The toughest thing in life for a smart person to figure out is often what’s worth working hard at and what they truly want. It seems as rare to find a person who has gone through the steps to decide if they truly want and value the outcome they’re working towards as it is to find a smart person who doesn’t apply themselves fully when they’re actually interested in, value, a…

I would argue it doesn't matter what you expend effort on as long as you're expending effort. IMO the only true rule in life is that you only value things you expend effort on. Beyond being able to afford the basic necessities it's all semantics. For example if efficiency interests you then working smarter could be your thing, but you'll still need to find more challenges to work on so that you're always expending effort. By all means, do this, but if your goal is to eliminate or reduce overall future effort you're fooling yourself if you think this will achieve some higher state of happiness.

The greater the effort the more rewarding it is, regardless of whether others would consider it rewarding or smart effort.

Once you internalize this it's basically the secret to life and you can throw out all of those self-improvement rags. Of course it's still a struggle in that you'll forget it constantly and have to correct course.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#202

Post by yason »

lorepieri wrote: post #93
jshaqaw wrote: post #36

Part of the issue here is defining what it means to “achieve”. I was a gifted child and graduated at the top of my fancy Ivy League university. Did I go on to conquer the world? No. And many days I stress and feel bad about that. But that’s mostly when I allow myself to judge myself by the external validation system of society. Society values a big bank account or fancy awards which is fine. A happy life spent with f…

Well said. Some people talk about enlightenment. To me, that is nothing else than fully realising that what really matters has actually been at our reach all the time. It's just that it is so difficult to filter out the external pressure to "achieve more".

Enlightenment is just the realisation of to know who you are and know what you have to do instead of thinking you know who you are and thinking you know what you have to do.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#203

Post by yomly »

mcguire wrote: post #165
yomly wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The life of a virtuoso musician is a curious one. The first 20-25 years of their lives is intensely stressful and gruelling. Practising their instrument for 10+ hours a day isn't uncommon, and their lives are usually dominated by chasing competition to competition trying to prove their worth relative to their contemporaries so that they can get signed by various agents and record labels (assuming that they are aiming…

Is that path accessible to everyone who practices 10 hours a day through their teens or is there survivorship bias involved? I've known a few very skilled musicians who had to have spouses or day jobs to put food on the table.

>Is that path accessible to everyone I don't think so, although I feel like it is sometimes constructive to believe it is (from a personal perspective).

From what I know, the 10 hours a day usually starts before teen years (it is common for musicians who reach virtuoso level to achieve "university-level" technical ability before they are 10 years old). For instance, amongst the musicians I've known, playing all Chopin Etudes or Grieg Concerto by 8 years old isn't particularly outstanding - these are easily Diploma level 2/3 works.

What I also know is that a lot of these musicians typically have a lot of financial backing - finding a good teacher and a good instrument is expensive! Unless you're a 1 in a 100-million talent, you probably won't find a sponsor as a child...

Lang Lang is probably one of the musicians I can name who wasn't particularly wealthy growing up...

On the subject of survivorship bias - almost certainly this reeks of bias, we never hear of the dropouts... Presumably those that stay healthy/positive wind up in session-gigs and education.

>I've known a few very skilled musicians

I can't say much about your friends, although my anecdotal intuition feels that virtuoso* musicians' success sits on a pareto distribution: those in the top 5-10 of their individual field are lavished in concerts, records and money. The 11-200 are probably reasonably comfortable and the 201 onwards start having to worry about making ends meet.

This is true for other skill-based professions - look at tennis players for instance, they struggle to break even on their livelihood if they're outside the top 200.

An observation a pianist once told me that scared her was that every few years there's a new star who wins the Chopin or Tchaikovsky competition who then robs the limelight. Adding to that, as musicians have a long career you have a long-tail/pyramid effect where the base is constantly growing, but the rewards are fixed if not shrinking.

*(where a major factor of their success is technical skill)

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#204

Post by eeZah7Ux »

jshaqaw wrote: post #36

Part of the issue here is defining what it means to “achieve”. I was a gifted child and graduated at the top of my fancy Ivy League university. Did I go on to conquer the world? No. And many days I stress and feel bad about that. But that’s mostly when I allow myself to judge myself by the external validation system of society. Society values a big bank account or fancy awards which is fine. A happy life spent with f…

Excellent points.

> not make the Forbes rich list or a Nobel prize

...not to mention that many scientists gave up opportunities to go after Nobel prizes to focus instead on more meaningful topics of research.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#205

Post by shiven »

jshaqaw wrote: post #36

Part of the issue here is defining what it means to “achieve”. I was a gifted child and graduated at the top of my fancy Ivy League university. Did I go on to conquer the world? No. And many days I stress and feel bad about that. But that’s mostly when I allow myself to judge myself by the external validation system of society. Society values a big bank account or fancy awards which is fine. A happy life spent with f…

In a somewhat similar vein, learning & practicing “deliberate gratitude” saved my sanity.

Taking a mindfulness class was what introduced me to the concept, but regular practice of gratitude helped save my mind (and perhaps my life!).

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#206

Post by kaybe »

nihalot wrote: post #180
microtonal wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Therefore, I find myself in a situation where making a lot of money isn't my goal, but I feel that I have to do it if I want to achieve my goals. Can't you work remotely? There are a lot of smaller cities (at least in Europe) that have a great vibe, are welcoming to all kinds of people, and do not have extreme housing costs. I live in such a city, a large chunk of the population are students, so there is a vibrant so…

I'm working remotely but living like a nomad. A month at most in different villages across India. I now miss the city life, and am also considering moving to Europe, perhaps a small city in Germany. Can you share more about these smaller cities? What was your criteria for choosing the city you are in presently?

If you need any information or help about Germany, you can contact me if you want (see profile).

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#207

Post by haihaibye »

JasonFruit wrote: post #133
haihaibye wrote: post #60

The person somewhat cruelly judging her life is using a formula of: Life score = actual potential - genetic potential Ie she had high genetic potential but failed to live up to it. It seems she has had a gifted kid. She sounds like she's given up on this metric but were she to have another gifted kid, and nurture the two to success making the world better, she would meet her metrics. Have a particularly awesome kid,…

The worldview of this comment baffles me. Do you think living to maximize some imaginary "life score" is a good idea, a healthy idea, a utilitarian idea? Why not make yourself useful in whatever situation you are in, trying to make constant progress on what is important to you, and be a benefit to the people you care about? They won't put my life score on my tombstone.

Assign those goals or being useful a score then try to maximise it.

Write the deeds on the tombstone and let future people assign their own score.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#208

Post by nugget »

throwayEngineer wrote: post #167
karmelapple wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m so glad I had parents who encouraged in me what you are encouraging in your children. I was accepted to a very prestigious university, and as my friends, their parents, and other adults (including some family) found out, there was mostly encouragement to just go there. The attitude was, “why wouldn’t I want to go there? Just think of the opportunity!” They we’re shocked I was thinking of attending a state school…

The whole prestigious school thing means little imo. After you meet a few dunces from a top school and the rare genius who went to CC, you really stop caring. College is what you make it. If you aren't networking a top school, I don't see the purpose, we all learn math.

I would argue that as University education has scaled up and become commoditized, the value of a generic degree as a signaling function has decreased, and that in response the value of matriculation to a top school has only increased. Schools are just brands and become an extension of the personal brands of their students and alums. Unless you're studying a hard science or similar, I'd bet that the value of lower ranked schools will become obsolete sooner.

Re: I Grew Up Gifted, but My Life Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Expected

#210

Post by kaybe »

mojomark wrote: post #160
lorepieri wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well said. Some people talk about enlightenment. To me, that is nothing else than fully realising that what really matters has actually been at our reach all the time. It's just that it is so difficult to filter out the external pressure to "achieve more".

It may sound ridiculous (you're going to laugh), but when I find myself stressing over superficial things, it helps me to think of the song "The Grand Illusion" by Styx. To me, no words better sum up the odd complexity that has emerged from humanity. It's my mantra. My wife's mantra is equally ridiculous and true: "it just doesn't matter" from Bill Murray's monologue in Meatballs. Maybe one of these mantras will help…

Here's another one: It's all part of the human experience.

This is not one to tell others when they struggle, same as yours, but it can help me from time to time.

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